youth.

When we were looking for a new church for our family, one of the things I prayed for was that we would find a church with a youth group that would take good care of my kids.  After a rough exit from the only church they had ever known, I feared they would be soured on Sunday worship forever if we jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.  The good news is that our prayers were answered.  My kids willingly go to church/youth group each week, interact well with the volunteers there, and even invite their friends to come with us.  whew.

We're at a satellite campus which meets in a pretty middle school in a town that's a little closer to our home than the main campus. The congregation is a little smaller, which really worked out well for my socially awkward discerning children. One  thing that happens at this campus is that the kids and youth learn in their own their during the adult sermon. That way, the teens are able to have more discussion and interaction with the youth leaders and one another, and learn how to really live the lessons they're learning instead of hear and forget.  But in the beginning of service, we all worship together. Selfishly, I am especially thankful for this tradition because listening to my children sing with their whole hearts to Jesus makes me all squishy and happified inside, you know?

Today, the youth stayed in main service the whole time because our youth pastor, Tim, was teaching from the pulpit. It's the the final week of the sermon series about investing in children. We've talked about investing in children with prayer, time, and this week we covered that uncomfortable subject-- money.  It's true, that where our treasure is, our heart will be also.  (Matthew 6:21) We always care about the things we put our hard in dollars more than the things that we don't.  The rest of that story is that things we invest our money in are a great indicator of what's important to us, too. 

A glance through my 'checkbook' (though I don't really have one of those anymore) will show you that I really like me a lot.  I spend money on things to make me pretty and happy and entertained. All those things, however, are temporary.  My beauty is rapidly declining on a daily basis fading, my happiness is terribly fickle, my attention span is insatiable. 

That's why my husband and I made the decision all those years ago to invest more in our kids than we do in stuff.  The bulk of our paychecks are spent to feed, house, transport, educate, entertain, and equip our children. It's our hope that this investment will pay out into the future. We hope that not only will our children care for US in the future, but also, that they will care for their families well, the people in their lives, that they will invest in the generation that follows theirs. It's pay-it-forward in a spiritual sense, and I can't think of another, better way to spend our moneys. 

If money spent on our crazy three is a good investment, then, is so well spent, how much more is investing in the youth at our church? My husband this year is taking a week of his vacation pay to be a camp counselor for the school age kids even though our own children are too old to attend. His logic? We can't afford to sponsor a kid to go this year, but he has well over 10 years experience going to camp with the kids, this is something he can do. I'm so humbled by his act of generosity (which Pastor Tim so correctly distinguished from giving- which anyone can do for any reason. True generosity comes from the heart) that I am inspired to take some action too.

Tonight, I'm going to talk to my kids about the possibility of collecting our recyclables to be put in a fund so we can sponsor a kid to go to church camp next year.  I love the effects of church camp on kids, and I love the idea of how that kind of eternal investment can keep on giving to generation after generation, and I triple love the idea of teaching my children how important it is that the church works together to care for it's kids. I'm thankful to be part of a church who inspires this kind of action in me and in my husband... and I'm glad to see that the youth staff is investing in my children this way. It's good junk, indeed.

Blessings,
His Girl

Don't store up treasure here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal

Matthew 6:19-20 (NLT)

________________________

Reflections on the other sermons from this series:

Week 1: Kids

Week 2: One

Week 2b: Risk

Other sermon reflections:

In which I let go of hatred: Release

In which I let the sermon do work in my heart: Weeds

In which the pastor rudely singles me out in church: Refugee

In which I admitted I was not okay: Fine

risk.

I think I've admitted here online that I'm kind of  totally a chicken baby. So, it might surprise you to know that I actually L-O-V-E rollercoasters.  I love every bit of it - starting about 5 seconds after takeoff.  The previous 30 seconds are torture for me. I am all excited about riding right until the minute I realize I'm next.  As I climb in and buckle up, I get a sheer panic- is my buckle on tight? is the bar going to be able to hold me? can I trust this piece of metal and foam?!? OH NO! What was I thinking? I AM A MOTHER! MY CHILDREN NEED ME! GET ME OFF OF THIS THING!!!! IT'S NOT WORTH THE RISK!!!! WHAT IF WE DIE? WHAT IF THE BAR FLIES OPEN? WHAT IF I FALL OUT OF THIS THING? WHAT IF????

....and then, the cars start to move, and I am in absolute ecstasy.  As we fly around corners and loops and upside down, I cannot believe I ever resisted in the first place. What freedom! What joy! What a RUSH! At the end of the ride, I hesitantly get off, and can't wait to get in another line to go again. I'm always amazed at the difference from my demeanor at the first ride of the day and that of the ones that follow:

On the first ride, I am holding on for dear life, as though hurtling through the atmosphere at that speed could possibly be affected by my weak hand strength on the bar across my chest.  My desperate attempts at self-protection are laughable at best. I can no more ensure that I can keep my own self in the seat than I can fly around the track on my own power.  By the end of the day, however, my hands are up in the air as soon as the car starts moving! I have somehow build a sense of trust and security with the engineers, the equipment, and the laws of inertia and I am having a blast!

That gets me thinking about the last few weeks. Spiritually, I have a pretty low-risk life right now.  It's that way by design, I must admit.  I have purposely not been putting my neck out because I am still licking my wounds from the last year. I am holding back from investing all the way in the people and ministries because, frankly, WHAT IF?!?! What if I trust in a leadership, and they disappoint me? What if I make friends and they hurt me? (spoiler alert: they totally will) What if I get involved in ministry and find myself with too much on my plate, too much drama, too much.... bluckitude?

As I was chatting this over with God last week as I prayed for other people's kids every day for a week, (that post is here, in case you missed it) I noticed that my prayers have changed over the last few months. A while ago, I was praying prayers that would indicate that I wasn't serving in children's ministry because I was still healing, and wasn't called. Now, however, my prayers sounded more like I am .... scared.

If I am perfectly honest... and I may as well be at this point... for me at this juncture, my fear is mainly rooted deeply in a lack of trust.  The true thought I'm thinking is: "What if I risk and God doesn't protect me?"

*deep sigh*

I should know better by now, really. I have been protected through much bigger things than volunteering to do something that I love to do for a God that I love in a church that I am growing to really love. My self-protection is not fooling anyone, and it's unnecessary. It's time to do what I'm called to do.  This is nothing but a little, teensy leap of faith, and by hiding out, I am doing nobody any good. Furthermore, I am going to miss the thrill of the ride.

So, this week, I did it.  I braved up, I sat in the seat, and I pulled the safety bar of God's grace and goodness down over my head (much less risky than those man-made safety bars on non-metaphorical roller coasters).  I sent an email to the person in charge of Children's Ministry and made an appointment to chat with her a little bit to see what God might be up to with using me back in CM after a very long break. We're all set for Monday afternoon.

I get it. It's just a conversation. It's just a chance to see if I can be used in any way. It's just a tiny little risk... but it's a good start, I think. A way to remind myself that God can be trusted- especially to take care of us when He calls.

It's been a long time since I risked anything spiritually  so I anticipate that there will be a little terror to be had. However, I do think I'm just about ready to throw my hands up and fly around a few loops and re-experience the joy of what it feels like to risk even small things for Jesus..... WHOOOOOO HOOOOOO!

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.”

I'll keep you posted!

His Girl,
Amber

one.

I'm sure you have heard the story about the man who happened upon a boy on the beach among thousands of stranded starfish. As the boy is carefully returning each of the beautiful creatures to the ocean, one at a time, the man says to the boy "Why are you doing this? There are more starfish than you can possibly save. You won't even make a difference." The boy looks at the starfish in his hand, shifts his gaze to the man and gently tosses the starfish into the water.  "It made a difference to that one."

It's an old, overused story, but I think the reason it's stuck around for such a long time is that it resonates inside our hearts as a fundamental truth.  We can't save everyone, but we can make a difference in the lives of the people in our circles. Those of us who have had the honor of escorting a starfish or two back to the deep can testify to that- and even more so, those of us who have been a starfish can shout a hearty, AMEN!

 Too often, we look at a shore littered with lives that seem hopeless and we think that nothing can be done. "This world is going to hell in a handbasket!" (not really sure what the implication is there- is going to hell in a handbasket faster, rougher, fancier?) "Kids these days!" "We are losing the battle"

It's true- as we discussed in church this week- there is always a possibility that an entire generation can be lost. (It's happened before- check out Judges 2:10) Between our generations' apathy/helicoptering, busyness/laziness, selfishness/overindulgences, permissiveness/legalism, and our own sinful natures, we are faced with statistics which are horribly frightening- most kids will walk away from church and from faith as soon as they leave our homes.

Part of me wants to formulate a plan. I want to move in and try to figure out how to affect the most change possible. But when I think about how much time and energy and money I have at the end of the week, I get stalled out of all those big plans because frankly... I feel like I don't have enough left over for one.more.thing.

So yesterday, as Pastor Matt was talking about how it's our calling to reach the next generation (Isaiah 38:19), how God nearly always uses people to reach people, how there is hope for the next generation as long as this one takes the time to tell them about His goodness (Psalm 100:5, 145:4, 78:4), and as he was encouraging us to pray about which move to make- I did just that. I prayed.

God? What's my role here? How can I help? How do we save all these kids?

And that's when God put in my head the picture of that starfish story.  I pictured talking to my kids, one at a time, about things that really matter. I recalled the times I've been super real with them and prayed with them and for them. I heard myself saying many times over the years,  "I get that you want to sleep in, but this family goes to church every week. Get up and get dressed anyway." I realized that building the relationships and habits with the children who are right in my home is a wonderful place to start- and a step that can't be skipped. It is a constant priority for me to keep picking my little starfishies back up and directing them back to the sea. This isn't about extra time- it's about using the time I already have been given.

I thought about the kids that I call "bonus kids."  I imagined the opportunities I have had when my kids' friends come over for a meal or a weekend, and then when we get to bring them to church with us.  I think about the times I've sat with crying teenagers and prayed for them, and pointed them to Jesus.  One at a time, I've had the honor of placing these little starfish back in the water at least for a while. This isn't about extra energy, it's about caring about the people placed right in front of me.

Then, I noticed a common thread-bringing the kids to church. It's really the equivalent of putting the starfish from the parable back into the ocean- where they can get what they need.

It was about that time that I heard our pastor talking about the uniqueness of the opportunities we have within a church to really minister to kids. In the public forum, we have to be careful- don't want to offend, don't want to push, don't know how cautious we have to be. In church, however, we are allowed to be "unapologetically clear"- it is expected that we will say some of the harder, true-er, more straightforward-y truths from the Bible. We don't have to mince words or be "politically correct."

This sunk deep into my  heart.  It reminded me why it's important to make sure my children come to church even when they push back. It reminded me why it's important to bring "extra" kids to church whenever they are willing. It reminded me that I need to be sure that I am supporting the children's/youth ministers at our church.

this is how we make a difference to the one, and then the next, and then the next.

this is how we make sure that the entire generation isn't lost...

Here's my challenge to you guys today- if you have been thinking about serving in some capacity with kids in your church but you keep coming up with excuses why you can't- let today be your last day to do that. Go! Sign up! Do it! Be the people who are standing in the ocean welcoming the starfish!

If you are thinking that helping in children's or youth ministry will exacerbate your allergy to kids- then, do something else! Support those who are serving by praying for them, encouraging them, seeing if you can bring something in that they need- pouring into the one can absolutely make a difference to many, many others.  Then, find somewhere else you can serve so that those volunteers don't have to come out of the classroom from teaching, then pass the plate, run the sound board, and stack the chairs after. Be a part of the family who cares for its people.

As for me? I think I know what God told me to do next.  I'm fixin' to make a bold move. I'll fill you all in on how it turns out :)

keep your eye out for starfish...

We will not hide these truths from our children;

We will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the LORD, about His power and His mighty wonders.

PSALM 78:4 NLT

Kids.

Over the next few weeks, my family is getting ready for a bunch of transitions. Today, my son attended orientation for his summer post-high school college program.  Tuesday, I'll gather up my daughters and head to Freshman Orientation. Never in my life have I been so compelled to pray for my people. There's just nothing like watching your little people get big-- it heightens your awareness of your complete ineptitude to actually teach a child everything they need to know in only 18 years, your inability to protect them every second of every day, your helplessness to ensure they make only great decisions all the time. 

And, it's not just my own people that take up the pages in my prayer journal. Along the way, even though I joke that I only like other people's kids on a "case-by-case basis," I have gotten to know and love an awful lot of children.  Yesterday, I got to attend the wedding of a boy who served in children's ministry when he was just a young teenager. I gasped for air when he appeared at the top of the aisle, looking all grown-uppy and hopeful. I cried like a baby when I saw him tear up when he saw his bride. I prayed with all my heart for  this new little family- for this boy who has been in my prayers for years and years.

This month is the month of graduation announcements, too. One after another have trickled in, beautiful portraits of amazing children who have grown up right before my very eyes. I feel so proud of these kids, as if they were my own, when I read about their accomplishments, when they share with me their plans for college and career, when they confess to me that they are a little scared about the future. I've been working on their graduation gifts, and the notes that tell them that God's put them on my heart to pray for them all this time, and remind them that God's got big plans for them.

At church this week, Pastor Andrew urged us in the importance of investing in the children of our community in addition to the ones who live in our homes. He challenged us to pray for a different thing each day this week:

Monday- that our kids will remain safe from evil
Tuesday- that they would follow the Truth
Wednesday that Sandals (our church) would be a place where kids are loved
Thursday- that our kids would always keep God first
Friday- for those who currently lead and care for the kids,
Saturday- that God would reveal to us what our role should be in caring for God's kids.

The former children's ministry leader in me loves this simple but sweet challenge. The idea of an entire church community agreeing in prayer that children are worth an investment is a beautiful thing. I love that we are taking time to acknowledge the value of children's ministry in any form, and the importance of taking it seriously. 

The mother in me loves it, too. I love that there are people (who are not me) who also care about what becomes of my children.  Do you know that the campus youth pastor, Tim, has- on more than one occasion- driven clear across the county to the podunk town where my son attends high school just to take the kid to lunch? That's investing, my friends. The simple act means more than we can even understand right now.  

Pastor Andrew gave us a reminder that it really just takes one significant adult relationship to make a difference in a child's life, something I've seen with my own two eyes. Yet,I'm currently holding back a little these days. I have kind of stalled out with taking the time/making the effort to invest in new children for whom I haven't already developed a bond. 

I confess- I can give you a laundry list of excuses of why I would rather "focus on my own family right now" -- my plate is fuller than full these days, my heart is still healing from the trauma of last year, my energies are spent during the week now that I'm back to working at a school again, my patience is waning with old age, I don't have as many opportunities as I used to, I'm tired.

The hard fact is that  these excuses are just that- excuses.  Truth is, we always find time/money/energy for the things we value. If I want to claim that I value the same things that are valuable to Jesus, then I must make an effort to see children as valuable, too. That means looking beyond myself, my hurts, my limitations, and honestly asking God what my current role should be.

Is this to imply I have to go back into full-time children's ministry? Does that mean I need to go in a classroom where I am convinced I am not being called at this time?  I don't think so.  It does, however, mean that I need to be in prayer so that I am aware of the opportunities to invest in children when God points them out to me. It doesn't have to be a big production, it can be a simple, little thing:
  

And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded. Matthew 10:42 NLT

Will you consider joining me in prayer for the children in your church/community this week?  I would certainly enjoy the company. Also, will you sincerely ask God what your role should be in the lives of children not your own when we get to Saturday? I know that when I ask Jesus on Saturday "What would You have me to do with the time, energy, skills, and experience that I have to invest in a single child or a group of children?"- I will sure love your prayers that I'll hear His answer louder than I can hear all the reasons why I can't. I'll be praying for you, too.

Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, Your mighty miracles to all who come after me. 

Psalm 71:18 NLT

Eighteen.

This morning, I woke up to the staggering realization that my firstborn is a man.

shoot. I told myself I wouldn't cry.

It feels like I wrote this post yesterday. In it, I reflected on my son who was suddenly a teenager. I worried how I would parent such a creature. I was frustrated with his early teen punk attitude, I was excited about the future, I wondered what was ahead.

and then, I blinked.

And out of the blue, here we are- he's 18 today. Once again, I'm at a loss for words... instead of fumbling through, I think I'm gonna copy my idea from 2008 and just post my rambly, raw, prayer journal entry for today, a quick 5 years later ....

Lord- Today is the 18th anniversary of the day you put Spencer in my arms.

Thank You.

It's the day my name changed to Mom. It's the day I learned what deep, achy, true, rich, sacrificial love feels like. 

How do I ever thank You for that?

I pray that You show me how to care for this boy who is now a man but will always be my child.

I pray Joshua 1:9 for him- May he always be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. Let him not be afraid or discouraged. Let him feel You with him wherever he goes.

Jesus, let him choose to follow You now that the parameters of his free will have been expanded. Let him learn from his mistakes. Let him know how to admit when he is wrong, fix what is broken, celebrate other's accomplishments. Protect him from his own youthful pride. Let him be humble enough to grow and learn and become the adult you created him to be.  

Guide his steps, O Lord- as he makes so many major life decisions over the next few years- education, career, financial, where he lives, who he will marry... 

let him first choose You.  

Please let him get through graduation. Let him finish high school well.  Let him succeed with his education- let him find adult friends who urge him to make godly choices. Let him be honorable, honest, compassionate, and kind. Let him learn to serve you and care for others.  

God, teach me how to be the mother of a man. 

Let me love him and let him go out on his own so he will not ever be hindered by my actions or attitudes.

Please fill in the gaps where my parenting lacked- I know I fell down on the job many times. I smothered, I neglected, I overreacted, I underreacted, I was too hard on him, I was too easy on him. Please forgive me. You know I tried to do well. Thank you for using me even in my weaknesses. 

Let him always know how much he's loved- by You and by me.

You are amazing, Lord! What a wonderful, beautiful, responsible, smart, funny, odd, amazing person you created! I am thoroughly enjoying him these days. I love laughing with him, talking with him, counting on him.  He's a true joy to me. Thank you for letting me love him. Keep teaching me how to love him right. 

Bless him Lord! 

Being a mother is a trip and a half. I have always half-joked that it's an experiment.  I do the best that I know how and see if it turns out in the end... I am thankful that I can trust in God, who loves Spencer more than I do, to correct my mistakes and to make the lessons we've been teaching him over the last 18 years stick. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this amazing kid as he steps into adulthood.

now, will someone please pass Momma a tissue?

 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go

Joshua 1:9 (NLT)

release.

When our pastor came out after worship time, he warned that today was going to be a heavy message. I settled into my seat and pulled my Bible closer. How bad could it be? I thought. We're on a series looking at Kindness.  Last week, we studied how kindness will overflow from our hearts once we understand how kind God is to us. We left with a challenge to be kinder to the people we love and who love us. (For the record, I totally nailed that challenge. I was superkind last week to my husband. *huffs on fingernails and buffs them on shirt*)

I felt so confident, I didn't even see it coming- the first scripture of the day:

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy.  But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.  If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much.  If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48 NLT

"Today," our pastor announced, "we are going to talk about loving our enemies." My heart froze mid-beat.

You guys, before we go on, I have to confess something I'm not proud of. Truth is, I have hatred in my heart for a particular man. I have justified this hate because this man is really a bad guy. He preaches the name of Jesus, but he tells lies and he deceives large groups of people and he slanders people's names- mine included. He is a bully and a liar and he gets away with it. This makes me mad. When I think about him, all I can think of is the evil smirk on his face as I suffered through one of the worst moments of my life and I just want to spit nails.

So, naturally, his name is what came to mind as our pastor continued to explore the biblical evidence for Christ's requirement that we not just love the people who love us- that's easy- but to love also those who persecute us. 

dang.

Throughout the sermon, I listened and took notes like a good little church girl, but on the inside, I was plugging my fingers in my ears and singing "LALALALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING" and when that got annoying, I folded my arms and made a mental pouty face and stomped my foot to prove that I didn't have to hear this junk because I HAVE MY REASONS, MISTER, AND THEY ARE GOOD ONES, OKAY?

At some point, I tired of my childish, bratty, stubborn behavior and I looked down at my notes.  Apparently, I had written these words,

(yes, I redacted the name, and yes, I am a church doodler. one confession at a time, please)

I have to tell you, I read over those words in my own scribbling handwriting and I was a little stunned. It's true- I know this in my head- that Christ loves this man as much as He loves me. But to see it in print just stopped me in my tracks.  I knew in that moment that it was important for me to really believe this (not just know it to be true) because this kind of arrogance- the kind that says "Jesus loves me and He does not love you" is not pleasing to God in the slightest. 

I made an effort to unclench my jaw and let the Word of God sink into my heart.

I'm not sure of the order from here on out, but at some point I did hear our pastor say "Forgiveness is releasing someone else to God and letting Him be the judge." He talked about debt and releasing debt, and it occurred to me that I am holding an account of the things that man at whom I have been directing my spiteful thoughts for the last year owes me.  

He owes me an apology!He owes me a PUBLIC apology!

He owes me ... what? to have my church back, my job back, my reputation back... what? The list is huge. I couldn't imagine how he could even afford to settle the account he had racked up.  An apology wouldn't really cut it.  Too much damage has been done. I don't think I'd even really believe it or feel like it was enough. Plus, I am pretty sure he's not really interested in settling this problem. So, my resolve to sit here and be the judge of this man is doing me  no good at all. Letting go of this and letting God judge the situation would certainly be the smart thing to do.  Still....

(and this is the part when I get all real, folks, so if you were looking for a marshmallow peeps and rainbows blog post, you may wanna avert your eyes for a few paragraphs)

So, at some point, the pastor says something like, "And some of you- if you were really to admit it- are thinking to yourself, 'If that guy's whole family got chopped up into little pieces, I wouldn't even care.'  And I'm here to say, you guys... that is not okay."

What a terrible thing to say! What person who loves Jesus and who claims to be a child of God would even identify with that kind of statement?

me.

Do you know that I have had thoughts like this? Not necessarily about his family, but I have pictured him having a heart attack, having to dig a huge hole and then being pushed in, being jumped in a dark alley... and these things did not cause me sadness in the slightest. I'm so ashamed, you guys.

that was all I needed... my resolve just broke. No matter how I tried, I could not keep the tears back. They spilled out over my cheeks and onto my neck and I finally had to dig through my purse for a tissue because my nose started to run too. 

I have allowed my hatred for this man to actually turn me into a terrible, discompassionate, hateful person and THAT IS NOT OKAY. Enough is enough. Sometimes a good look at your true self is all you need to make some serious, drastic changes.

So, today, I am officially, publicly, and once-and-for-all-ly stating here that I forgive that man.  I will no longer speak unkindly about him, I will no longer entertain horrible thoughts about him, I will no longer hold an account of his wrongs.  I understand that Jesus loves him as much as He loves me, and I will stop praying for his fall, and start praying for his return to Christ. Not because I think that man deserves it, but because I know that God deserves it. He tells us he loves ALL of His children- He wants that NOT ONE would perish. Because I have been a recipient of the grace of God- because I have had my debt washed clean, I hereby release the debt that is owed to me by the person who has hurt me so deeply. 

*whew* I think I need a nap.

Weeds.

Today was so beautiful outside.

After extraordinary worship at church,

Following a lovely meal out with the teenagers,

I decided to take a delightful nap in my cozy bed,

Then wandered outside to wake the garden up for spring.

The sun was gently shining

over the yard, now full of weeds.

Our lovely garden had been overtaken!

Undaunted, I tied on my apron, pulled on gloves,

rolled up my sleeves, and prepared myself for battle.

I adjusted my iPhone to play,

Grabbed a kneeling pad from the shed,

and planted myself in the midst of the weeds.

So satisfying was waging war on the unwelcome greens,

that I found myself smiling despite the sweat blinding my eyes.

Up, out by the roots came the weeds-

The ones that grew in the cracks of our pavers,

The ones that grew at the bases of the fruit trees,

Those rotten ones creeping up into my container garden,

I tore in with a vengeance on my annual fight to reclaim my land.

Rip, yank, tear, toss, repeat.

At last I hit a groove, and my mind wandered

Oh, the luxury of time to reflect without an agenda!

My thoughts, uninhibited, came on like a runaway train,

Surveying the crazy year that passed since I was here before.

Last year, my heart was breaking.

It wasn't sweat that blinded me, but tears.

I was on the brink of taking a ginormous leap

Directly into the arms of my God without a net.

I couldn't have even dreamed what was still yet to come.

As I pulled out these same weeds,

A year ago, almost to the very day,

I remember begging God to let me stay

Asking Him to hurry up and fix what was broken

Because I was so afraid of all the things I was about to lose.

When spring came last year, 

I was still in the season of winter,

So much has happened since that dark time!

As I thought about the days and weeks and months

I could clearly see God in each and every minute of the journey.

The things I worried about losing

Either are long gone or standing strong

It turns out the "sacrifice" that I so greatly feared

Wasn't much of a sacrifice after all was said and done:

A small price to pay for being able to stand in the will of a loving God

As I pulled out the weeds today,

Turned the soil in the pots and beds,

Cleared away cobwebs, chased off the bugs

And soaked the ground to prepare for new growth,

I thanked God for doing the same things for me a year ago.

I thanked him for weeding my life,

For turning the soil in heart and mind,

For rescuing me from satan's evil plans,

For giving me a thorough soaking of His word,

And for preparing me for the new growth that's ahead

Our children have grown this year

Faster than I ever even thought possible

My son is mere weeks away from adulthood,

My daughters counting the days to the end of jr. high

And I am rounding the bend of this season toward the next

I'm starting to realize

That it is impossible to know

So that makes it imperative to trust

And the roots that we hold on to so tightly

Are often just weeds that are holding us back.

So, here I am at midnight

Letting today's lessons sink in

Remembering the trials of the last year,

Praising God that they were triumphs after all

And being truly thankful for the things that remain:

One husband, steady, noble, and strong,

Three children, growing in stature and in wisdom,

A house, imperfect and small, but home nonetheless

Many close friends who are quite literally tried and true,

An extended family- filled with love, and life, and laughter

The garden that God has planted

Is not only filled with strong plants, producing fruit

But also some annuals I thought were gone but returned:

A friend I thought was lost forever, a job I tried to quit long ago,

Relationships I thought were hopeless- all these returning at full bloom.

And then, there are the sprouts,

The unexpected gifts God has revealed:

New friends we're picking up along the way,

A vibrant church family to get to know and love,

A whole new season of discovering God's new plans for our lives.

As my body grew weary from weeding,

I stood up and looked around the garden.

Though not quite finished, it was wonderful.

We had made quite some progress, God and I

Both in our garden and in my own healing heart.

I hung up my apron, pulled off my gloves,

Relocated the huge weed pile into the trash,

Gave the soil one more good drink from the hose,

And headed back into the house for a long hot shower,

Thankful for this place to think, and reflect, and remember....

Let all that I am praise the Lord;

with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.

Let all that I am praise the Lord; 

may I never forget the good things he does for me 

Psalm 103:1-2