#1 on the list

Well, I'm a huge proponent of Go BIG or Go Home, so I figure I may as well whittle down my list of things I'll never, ever blog about by diving right into number one. The biggie.

*Before I begin, a little disclaimer. There are people in my real life who do not know about this on purpose. I am going to have to be purposely vague here for that reason. If this story touches you in any way, and knowing more specific information would help you, please ask and I will email you any detail you want to know. I'm not ashamed, I just have some very innocent people to protect.

Okay, here goes...

When I was a small child, my mom found herself a single mom. She was still young and so were we. I think it's safe to say we all missed the presence of a man in our lives. Before she became a follower of Jesus, she had a few live-in boyfriends. I do not say this to condemn my mom in any way. I do not blame her at all, but I do think that detail is important to not leave out because so often I see single mothers moving their boyfriends into their homes not realizing the danger that exists for their children. I wholeheartedly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mom had absolutely no idea that one of these men was a child predator.

Anyway, as predators do, he preyed on me. I remember the absolutely horrifying feeling of dread at night when I could hear my bedroom door open. I can still recall the confusing state of the half awake, half asleep realization that he was back again. I can even hear the pleas to not tell. The bribes. The feelings of guilt and fear and confusion for holding such a huge secret...for hating what was happening to me but not being brave enough to tell.

Once, I did tell some friends. They were too young to understand, so I just let it go. I really grew up that year. I struggled in school a bit, though nothing else would have indicated I was in trouble. I was a good girl. I did what I was told. I know how to keep a secret. Plus, he apologized. I kept thinking it was over. It just never was.

Time passed. Though I believe the relationship had passed between he and my mother, one day, he was going to come for a visit. We kids were all piled in the car, and my mom had been leaving a note on the door of our house to let him know that we would be back soon. I remember sitting in the car with my brothers and casually saying aloud that I didn't want him to come. I didn't like what he did. I made them promise not to tell. One of my brothers didn't even wait until my mom sat back in the car before he opened his BIG FAT MOUTH (praise the Lord for his mouth!) and told anyway.

My mom sat still for less than 10 seconds. Then she went back to the door, ripped the note off and we drove away. I don't remember much about what happened next. The details are hazy, but the overall feeling is crystal clear. My mom believed me! It was over! I was safe!

Now, today my mom will tell you that she feels terrible that it happened. But I tell her the same thing I will tell you. I only hold her responsible for what she did after she knew. And when she did know, she did the most perfect thing anyone could do. She never questioned me. She never blamed me. She never made me feel anything but safe and loved.

Shortly thereafter, she found us a church. There, I met Jesus. I found my Redeemer! I curled right up in His lap and never felt any of the fear or guilt or distrust that typically comes with this kind of story.

I don't want to sugar-coat it... I am not unscathed. I have to confess that I behaved like a textbook sexual abuse survivor as a teen- totally boy crazy, looking for love from anywhere I could find it. God protected me many times from myself as I put myself in many situations where I could have been a victim again... and as I chose to become a bride at age 19. The emotional effects surface every now again in our marriage bed... but really, the times are so few and far between that I now can't even remember that last time it was an issue at all.

God, He works all things together for good for those who love Him. My young marriage, I believe with every fiber of my being, saved me from many dangerous and painful situations. It has grown into a beautiful marriage to an amazing man, and I get to take no credit at all for it! My relationship with Christ has healed nearly all of the wounds, and it wasn't long before I was able to say, "Despite the wrong that was done to me as a child, I praise Him anyway."

About two years ago, I was asked to sit in a counseling session with a mother and daughter who were going through a very similar scenario with the mother's live-in boyfriend. The mother was distraught. She thought that maybe her young preteen daughter had done something to entice her boyfriend. She was also convinced that they should keep him in the home because they couldn't pay their mortgage without his help. The daughter was a wreck, burdened by her mother's reaction and confused as to where to turn to for help.

The Pastor who asked me to come in had no idea of my personal connection, so was flabbergasted (and so was I) when the Holy Spirit took the reins of my tongue. I heard myself speak words that were able to minister to the daughter and to the mother in a way that only someone who had been through that particular desert could. I was able to show them where the Water source was, because I had been there and taken a drink myself.

The mother, because of the testimony that God wrote on my heart, made the choice to listen to what He was saying to her heart. She was able to stop blaming and instead believe her daughter. She resolved to turn her boyfriend into the police, even though she was certain that she couldn't when she walked into the door of the church. She walked out ready to protect her daughter under the guidance of Jesus, not of fear. The daughter left clutching a Bible with carefully highlighted verses ready to move ahead with God as her Redeemer.

And at that minute, I praised God... not in spite of what happened, but because it happened.

Then I will rejoice in the Lord.
I will be glad because he rescues me.
With every bone in my body I will praise him:
Lord, who can compare with you?
Who else rescues the helpless from the strong?
Who else protects the helpless and poor from those who rob them?
Psalm 35:9-10