Monday, August 04, 2008

Monday?!?! Seriously?!?!

This morning I woke up honestly genuinely shocked to discover it was Monday. This weekend, though not really wasted, did not seem to last very long. Maybe because the entire last week and a half was this whirlwind of finishing VBS, a little mini vay-cay, trying to re-enter into normal life, (whatever that is) battling a major illness, and reconnecting with some old friends. Not really some old friends, like a JILLION. If you've been reading for a long time, it will not shock you that by a JILLION, I mean really 5, because, well, that's HisGirl economy for ya. If you're new, you should probably have this conversion chart:
Practically Free: Under $5
A million dollars: Over $100
A BAJILLION dollars: any amount of money I do not have.
Nobody (as in, nobody came, cares, or rsvp'd): less people than I hoped for
EVERYBODY (as in, hates me, said, or is bugging me): more people than I imagined
Major Illness (in this case): a low grade fever for 4 days.
Never: Not in a long time, or not for a long time
Always: More than once
Jillion: More than what I would expect

It's not that I am trying in any way to be deceptive, it's really how my overly dramatic brain works. I think in hyperbole. So, when I say, JILLION people popped out of my past, you can understand, that yes, it was probably not even close to 10, but it was enough to be, well... unsettling.

Because I've been stuck in bed for like, a million years, (in this case- 3 days) I have had a lo-ot of extra time to mull things around in the dangerous little place I call my head. I wondered why on earth it is that I get so floopy when interacting with people who only knew the HisGirl who was really more like LivingForTheApprovalofOthersGirl. I mean really?

I have a core group of friends, (*waves to Bran, S4J, and Tawnya-via-David*) who have known me all along, and it doesn't bother me to talk to them one bit. In fact, I loooove to chat with them. I realize they remember the needy little teenager, but I also know (hope) that they have watched God grow me into someone who isn't so... well... icky. It's the ones I haven't seen in years that make me all... weird.

I know that many people wouldn't view being an approval hound as the same as a Christian killer, but sin is sin, and I wonder if Paul ever felt these feelings when he came upon people who knew him as Saul. I wonder if he cringed at memories of things he said and did that would not even cross his mind as Paul, or if he was able to embrace the grace of Jesus and not give it another thought.

The thing is, like Saul was big on following rules before his conversion, I played the part of 'good girl' comparatively in High School. I didn't drink or use drugs. I didn't smoke, I never went 'all the way' on dates. I got good grades, I was polite to adults. I really presented myself as this Christian girl who behaved. On the outside anyway. But oh! my heart.

I was contacted this week by a dear old friend who remembers me as the girl who gave her the first Bible she ever had. I hear that and I think, oh my word... I had no idea what a great gift that was- I never ever read mine back then.Because my old friends (whom I haven't seen in nearly 20 years) had this impression of me, I wonder if they see a difference in me now, or if they all say, like an old friend who came to church yesterday; "You are just the same exact Amber."

Noooooooooooooo! I want to scream- I'm NOT! I'm so different! Look what Jesus has done with my heart! You have to know that I am different! Come! Taste! See that He is Good!!!! Not me! I am not! I am wicked and nasty and self absorbed without Him! I don't want credit! I want to give it to He who changed my wicked soul, and daily adjusts my wicked heart!

I wonder if this happens to just me... anyone else out there totally.freak.out. about stuff like this? Do you analyze it to death in the deep, dark, recesses of your mind? Do you pray and pray and pray that He can be seen in you despite, well, YOU? Or am I all alone in this craziness?

Somehow it's Monday now, time for me to stop pondering, and start moving. Gotta get up and run this race. I pray that God will shine through my insecurities and facades and gather some glory wherever it can be found as I try to shake off the effects of what was the weirdest.week.ever (and by ever I mean, in recent memory)

All have turned away;
all have become useless.
No one does good,
not a single one.
Romans 3:12


Suzanne said...

Oh Amber, you are SO not alone in this! I am in the middle of trying to finish..or continue "my story" and HAD to take a break from it, so it is interesting that you would post about this now.

It's tough stuff, dealing with things that have to do with our "before lives", but that is also where the testimony comes in.

Thank you so much for your heart to share your life with strangers in attempt to help others to know Christ!

Gretchen said...

"I wonder if this happens to just me... anyone else out there totally.freak.out. about stuff like this? Do you analyze it to death in the deep, dark, recesses of your mind? Do you pray and pray and pray that He can be seen in you despite, well, YOU? Or am I all alone in this craziness?"

Where does the line start? To my left, or to yours? Breathe Him in. Breathe all the garbage out. Yes, I do it, too. xxxooogretchen

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

I heart you.
Like a jillion times.

bcolmer said...

You make me smile. Just getting ready to go out of town, and stopped by to read your blog.

ILY =-)


Sing4joy said...

You should write more when you are feverish. Cause you are so hilarious. I need that conversion chart for my fridge, to go next to my other measurement conversion magnet!!!

truth said...

Thanks for sharing this. Yes, I suppose I am very much like this also.

And, lol, I enjoy your over dramatic gazillion whatevers.

Becky said...

Oh, man...I SO think along those same lines. And have a tendency to overanalyze and overdramatize.

And speaking in overdramtic terms...this is my language! In fact I totally didn't need the clarifications, because I understand the terminology 100%, lol.