The time is coming when everything that is covered up will be revealed, and all that is secret will be made known to all.
I know, I know, it's not exactly Tuesday, not even close. But I need you blog-writers out there to tell me something...
Have you ever asked someone NOT to read your blog? If you have, why?
I just asked someone not to read my blog, and already I'm secondguessing my decision. You see, every once in a while, I want to write about a subject, but consider my known audience and think better of it. For example, I know for a fact that there are some men that pop in over here, so I never write about my cramps or pms out of consideration for their um, delicate sensibilities. I also know that people that go to my church, are part of my family, live in my town, and go to my kids' school read here from time to time. Out of respect for my children and husband, that rules out any stories that will come to bite me/us in the booty. My husband reads too, so that keeps me on my toes about writing about things that would make him less than proud of his wife... sometimes.
For the most part, I actually enjoy the accountability. It helps me avoid foot-in-mouth syndrome, (most of the time) and also keeps my flesh in check as I write. I think it's good to have the reminder that I am not writing anonymously, and that my words can affect people. I don't mind the certain level of censure that comes with the job... really.
However, over the last couple of weeks, I have reconnected with an old high school friend. One that was coming up on the Paths series, if you get my drift.... and all of a sudden the terrifying thought entered my head... what if he knows about my blog!?!?!
Quickly, I went to my myspace, where this blog originated from, and erased every possible link to here. I went through old posts from this site to see if any recognizable mention of him was here. Whew! Nothing. I haven't yet written about his role in the Paths series, and had only one passing mention of his existence on my 200th post. I was in the clear.
Later that day, I went to post. I must have started and stopped a hundred times. Writer's block in the extreme. I felt all bound and gagged by these odd feelings of "who is going to read this?" I tried again the next day, nothing. All of a sudden it was like I realized I am not singing in the shower, but in giant auditorium in front of hundreds of people. The freedom I felt when I wrote posts like this and this was gone.
So, last night, I popped online to chat with him in instant messenger and asked him if he had read my blog.
"I just peeked at it, haven't actually read it yet." was the answer. My face felt all hot. Now what?
"How would you feel, " I said very tentatively... "about not reading it?" As soon as the words were typed, I realized I hadn't thought out how I would explain when the inevetable next question was asked...
"Okay, but why?"
"Well, I don't know. I just... well... ummm... it's kind of like my um, diary and...."
"Am I in it??"
"Um, no, but... well, I feel like knowing you would read it would effect my writing and..."
"Now I want to read it"
"I know, but. as a favor, could you please not?"
"Of course. No problem."
I thought for sure that would make me feel better, that I could sit here and write good old fashioned HisGirl post, and move on. But for some reason now I feel more vulnerable, less open, and more... well... cautious. And I'm not sure I made the right move, either.
Should I feel more comfortable saying these things to strangers than to friends... should it matter? I know I'm fooling myself thinking I can control who reads here. Should I rescind my request for him not to read this, apologize for being so secretive, and just send a link? Oh! the dark recesses of an overthinking mind.
So today, I'm asking for your input ...
1) Has anything like this happened to you? what did you do? what was the outcome?
2) Should there be a difference between what you would write on a blog and what you would say to people you know in real life?
3)Is it just dumb to take back my request now? Should I? Should I not? ugh.
Okay, my friends... I want to hear from you. please... tell me-
* UPDATE: I went ahead and rescinded my request for my friend not to read the blog. I took into consideration all the fantastic advice ya'll gave. The truth is, you're right. I already follow those self-imposed guidelines of not saying anything that I would be ashamed of- and so there was nothing to be so secretive about. I took some time to let God examine my heart to see what it was that was bugging me so much. Turns out it was just a fear of vulnerability, and a lack of trust in God. I realized that was dumb, so I sent a quick email with a link to the blog, inviting him to come on over anytime. *waves* hey, man! Now, all of you... behave. We have company. ;)