Crybaby.
endearing, isn't it?
They even made up a song for me:
Baby, baby, suck your thumb.
Don't forget your bubblegum.
isn't that sweet?
Given that wonderful information, I imagine you can see now why I grew to hate to cry. These days, I hold it in as long as I can until the tears spill out, burning my cheeks and cracking my voice into a million pieces. My head will ache, my stomach will turn, and I can't seem to get rid of the thought that if I could JUST get into bed I would be okay.
It felt like that in elementary school, when I would forget my homework, or when I felt left out, when I was embarrassed, or when I thought I might be in trouble. It feels like that now. I still cry easily, as though my tear ducts are closer to the surface than normal, or my heart is overly sensitive to emotion. I still try everything I can when I feel the tears about to spill, but there's really not much fight in me. I almost always give in, and I'm filled with self-loathing for being so weak. I know that's a lie from satan, I'm just telling you how it is.
This week has been especially rough. I have cried for guilt, shame, loss, disappointment, frustration, sadness, conviction, irritation, joy, fear, discouragement, overwhelmed-ness, self-pity, overburdening, from laughing too hard, being too tired, from watching a touching movie, from seeing a darling baby, from sweet times with God, from having a nice time with my kids, from just plain having my feelings hurt. I thought back and could remember crying at least once a day for the last week. Each time I told myself to get it together, quit being a baby, to suck it up. Each time I failed miserably, and each time I furiously wiped away the defiant tears that refused to stay hidden. I cried alone, I cried in front of others, I called and cried over the phone to S4J. I cried into my husband's strong chest. I cried into my pillow. I cried in front of my children, which I rarely do. I am crying now as I type this. It's easier to let go again once you get started, I think. For sure it's harder to stop.
I wish I had a happy point to this post. I don't. I just was thinking to myself that I didn't want to blog about this week for a litany of reasons, which compelled me to think maybe I should. Maybe it's good to reveal that it's not all sunshine and happy times every single day in the HisGirl house. (though really, we have a jillion more good times than bad) Maybe it's good for you to see this little slice of reality... perhaps it's part of this whole transparency thing. Maybe it's good for me to let down my guard a bit, to risk a bit, hold my breath, and hit "publish"
In fact, I think I shall.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56:8
Psalm 56:8
*ps: right after I hit "post"- my son came up to tell me that the toilet was overflowing downstairs. Like, everywhere. and not clear water either, if you know what I mean.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
18 comments:
It shows a heart that knows how to love. And that's not a bad thing. The tears spill easily at this house, too. I ditched the mascara years ago.
well...you do not want to be my friend then. because i cry daily. and that is not an exaggeration. i cry at things that really are sad or joyful. but i also cry at commercials, pictures, movies, someone else's pain...you name it - i cry! and i LOVE it.
oh dear, did I give the impression that I don't like other people to cry? Funny, I don't mind it a bit. I don't find it weak or annoying on anyone other than myself.
I loved the Scripture that you added to this post. Our tears are so precious to Him that He collects them...there is great beauty in this post and clearly within you.
I hear ya girl! This year has been a cry fest and I wonder why I still cry about the same thing. Great post.
And I'm just the opposite...have a hard time crying. People think that means I'm not sensitive, but that's not true at all. I sometimes get angry because I DON'T cry even when I'm very moved.
That Scripture is one of my favorites. Can't you just see Jesus holding that bottle of tears to His chest and adding a few of His own? Oh, I love Him so!
I grew up with a stiff upper lip. Neither of my parents EVER cried. I didn't understand when others cried, as I figured life had to be pretty bad for someone to really cry tears. Boy was I mistaken.
I couldn't cry. After becoming a Christian in my 20's, I came to the point where I had to ask the Lord for the gift of tears. Because I had none.
And then the most wonderful thing began to happen. Tears flowed. Tears of sorrow at first, then tears of joy. For the first time in my life I experienced real tears. You have no idea what a momentous and joyous occasion it was.
I can't say I cry easily. And maybe I've been too hard-hearted lately. But tears are a gift. Truly. Your post is a reminder to me that if I don't have tears, I need to check my heart.
I'm so sorry for your rotten week. One consolation is that bad weeks can't last forever, and I hope easier days are ahead for you.
I cry ALL the time. ALL THE TIME. At books! At ads! When I'm laughing! When I'm mad! Boo hoooo!
I think we happen to have a lot to cry about. Both good and bad.
It's gotten worse for me as I've gotten older. I don't know if it's hormones, or life experience, or lack of caring what folks think (at least to a degree--I'm still fighting this demon).
Sorry you've had the week you've had. Especially about the toilet.
I hope God's jar is Costco-sized because I've probably filled a tanker trunk the past few months.
Ever feel like you can't start crying because then you won't be able to stop so you just suck everything back in? Well, after doing that for too long, when the dam broke, it stayed that way for a few days. I was right, once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was afraid my family was going to have me committed, but finally the flood slowed down to a trickle and I'm on a much more even keel now.
And I think I feel better having let so much of it go.
Hi Amber...I'm a cryer. And there is no shame in it for me. I'm trying to teach that to my kids also.
Here is a post I wrote about it:
http://www.lifeat7000feet.com/2007/10/tender-hearted_07.html
I totally relate to what you said about being sensitive to emotion. I'm TOTALLY there. And I appreciate your transparency in this post.
Oy...I hear ya. Sometimes a girl just needs to bawl her eyes out.
You kinda almost sound...pregnant.
TOTALLY kidding. Kinda.
You didn't just give away the last remaining vestiges of baby stuff from your garage or anything did you? Because that was what happened just before I was 'surprised' by Judah, lol.
;)
I have been right there with you in the crying this week. I have found myself getting all depressed and stressed, and then I get even more upset because I hate that I am acting this way!!! Horrible cycle!
Nothing tragic has happened this week. Life is just getting to me. Things all make sense in my head, but they are hurting my heart.
Anyway - here I go with whinning again....
I hope your week starts to look up.
Thanks for the verse and honesty. I needed it today.
I wish I could say my crying fits were limited to this week....it's been a long six months. :(
I'm so glad you hit publish. I wish I could cry easier than I do. Sometimes it just sits there, right below the surface, but the timing isn't convenient. So I suck it in and it festers while I look for a time better suited to some crying. But there never seems to be a good time so I continue to hold it in.
I've been told I'm "strong" because of this, but it's not strength. It's cowardice plain and simple. And it's damaging. Crying is cleansing.
So there you go! Crying is a good thing!
I don't cry as much as I used to...I've noticed. But I sure have my days...and weeks. Sometimes I think it is just good for the soul to feel it and expel it. I had a similar week last week...hope this week is better for you. And so sorry about the P.S mess...ick.
I'm crying FOR you after that p.s.!
I am crying right now! I told you you encouraged me...what I didn't say was that I was crying!
This is one of my all time favorite verses...a good one to meditate on today. Even in my tears God has not forgotten me nor has He forgotten you!
Praising Him through tears,
lisa
Post a Comment