As iron sharpens iron,so a friend sharpens a friend.
Proverbs 27:17
Proverbs 27:17
As I'm tearing through this topic of transparency in reference to blogging, to our public personas, and to our children, I think the next logical area to look at is how it relates to our friendships. How odd is it that this should even be a question. Of course we should be authentic with our friends. Why is it sometimes easier to be forthright on a blog being read by virtual strangers? I think maybe part of it is because of the accountability factor. If I tell you guys that I want to stop eating cake, you (my internet friends) would be all supportive, but would never know if I ever cheated on this little vow. However, if I tell my friends IRL that I am giving up cake, they have the power to call me on it should I serve up a big slice at a party.
I have to say that in this particular area, I can be pretty transparent (maybe even too much so). My girlfriends know pretty much everything there is to know about their wacky amiga. That's because quite a few years ago, I realized what a blessing it is to have friends who are willing to provide accountability for me. The fact that they will call me out is a wonderful gift, not a burden!
It was with that in mind that I confessed to each of my real girlfriends my most private sin. The one I liked to keep just festering in my heart. The one that I knew had the potential to really ruin my life and many, many others. The sin that I didn't want to tell because I didn't want to a) admit that it was a problem that I needed help with or b) it was a problem I couldn't handle myself or while we're being really honest here, c)I didn't want my peeps to think less of me. I also I didn't want to give it up. Truth is, my secret sin is really embarrassing. I had never, ever acted on it but was ashamed that it even existed. What kind of CHRISTIAN has this problem? I stewed on it for a long, long time before I just went one at a time to each of my friends and let the cat out of the bag.
Ya'll are just dying to know, aren't you? Well, I've already talked about it here on this blog... I'm boy crazy. Some of you are thinking oh for pete's sake, is that ALL? But let me just tell you that until I exposed this, it was a big deal... and really more dangerous than you would think. I don't need to go too deeply into it here on the internet, but let's just say I know what I am capable of, and never want to even get close. Somehow, though, exposing it to the light made it lose all its power. Something that I thought was a really major trial (the confessing) became this amazing burden lifter. I know for a fact that my girls have got my back, and never in my life will I be able to get away with allowing myself to think that any kind of a private relationship with a cute boy is appropriate. This is saving me from an amazing amount of potential regret and heartache.
It's good to have people you can trust with those innermost thoughts, doubts, feelings. The argument against 100% transparency in friendships, I suppose, would be in the cases of protecting our friends. Not telling my friends when I'm angry at someone so that they don't get all riled up and hate them too might be a good thing to keep un-transparent... (is that opaque? what's the opposite of transparent?) Not sharing things that might cause my friends to sin is probably the only reason I hold back with them. I love that they know my failures and flaws... they keep me humble, they keep me honest, they keep me heaven minded.
How about you? What are your thoughts? Are you able to be transparent with your friends? How do you know when you can't be? Are there some friends you are more reserved with? Are there any other reasons not to be open with your closest people?
do share!
next time... transparency with self... and God
16 comments:
Unfortunately, the only friends I have are in another state. We moved 2 yrs ago and even tho we've settled in a church, I haven't made any "friends" yet. Not anyone who would be around enough to notice and call me on something I shouldn't be doing, certainly.
It's great to have friends like that. A true friend.
I'm pretty transparent on my blog. I can't stand lying or any kind of falsehood. I let things hang out TOO much on my blog. Your blog the other day on watching our words, they are read by the public, kind of reminded me of that. Criticizing my husband shouldn't be on the blog!
Thanks for your Tranparency Series. It's been great!
I have different levels of friendship and I guess each of those levels corresponds to my level of transparency.
I'm a pretty forthright person and my husband tells me I don't edit well. I told a mom at my kids' school yesterday WAY more than she wanted to know when she asked me how I was doing. BUT the deep, deep stuff I think and feel is reserved only for my inner circle of friends who know me and love me regardless. Bless those dear friends' hearts...they often get an earful, but I know that whatever I divulge it's safe and that I'm not "too much" for them.
I would echo Mer's comment almost to the letter.
I just have to hugely second the part that by being transparent and bringing your "hidden sins" into the light that it is an amazing burden lifter. Satan really tries to mess with our minds to get us to hide our "deepest darkest." He only has power over us with them until we confess them and expose them.
That said, you do need to be careful about who you choose to share those deepest items with. Someone who will point you to truth and not gossip. In my own experience, I have prayed about it and God has clearly brought a certain friend to mind. The most amazing part of it to me is that the very thing that I was struggling with - she had struggled too. It deepened our already close friendship and brought us both accountability and freedom through Christ.
I tend to have a large circle of acquaintances with whom I am friendly and honest. I have a much smaller circle of friends with which I am brutally honest.
This is the circle that I go to when I need them to tell me the truth, and not just what I want to hear.
Otherwise - what Mer said.
CPQ took the words right off of my keyboard.
Sometimes, when I want to be transparent and deep, I find that it's a lonely place. I think that's why blogging is such an outlet for me. There are some "new" friends in my circle which I can let loose with, and hopefully they feel like the same is true for them.
You are quite the teacher, Amber.
Oh my goodness! I am adding your blog to my feeder right now..I know I have been here before and enjoyed reading your posts...how funny that we both were writing about transparency! It has been a passion of mine. I need to read all of your posts and if it is OK, I'd like to link to you later too because I was thinking of posting a follow up. OK, off to read all of your posts about this subject
Loved this line:
"...exposing it to the light made it lose all its power."
I've been overly transparent at times...I think trying to overcompensate for people who are ultra-guarded and NOT transparent. But by doing that, sometimes I think I've made myself appear weaker (or something; not sure of the right word) than I really am.
I've loved this topic!
I am loving this series, even though it is making me squirm big time. I am such a guarded person, even with most of my friends, and sometimes even with my huby. I know it's not healthy, and I can blame on the way I was raised, blah blah blah. But I am really struggling with how to get past all of that, because I know there are layers within me that need to come to the surface. I'm going to have to go back again and just re-read all of your posts, and then meet with Jesus about all of this.
I think we MUST be transparent with one another or we take a huge risk in someone sitting right in our midst who is in something deep and can't reach for help. That scares me.
Keep on sista. Keep on.
I love ya,
Fran
You know... I've often wondered, as well, why I'm quicker to be transparent with "near-total-internet-strangers" and not with my neighbors down the hall...
Even this morning I had the opportunity to share some DEEP DEEP feelings and experiences with an older woman who I greatly admire, and felt all nervous about the conversation. But I find myself WANTING to blog about it - without any hesitation. And a number of my internet friends are well aware of these struggles in my heart.
I'm weird. I know. And I don't quite understand me... Do you? Help.
Somebody?
:)
Thanks for these posts. They really have me thinking.
This is great stuff...I'm playing catch up!
I have different "levels" of friendships but I've really noticed lately just how much I share too much too soon. Nothing's wrong with it necessarily it's just more than the person probably wanted to know.
This is so interesting- the comments as well as your post. I could totally relate to Cindy's- sometimes to make someone more comfortable, I tend to play up my inadequacies- that is not really being real either, is it? I have some good friendships where I can be real, and that is SO nice! I have others on a level where I don't feel comfortable because of past experience with that person, or because I don't know them well enough to know if they can handle the truth (did you say that like Jack Nicholson???)
Great post! I have a few friends that I feel "safe" to be completely transparent with and they feel the same with me. And then I have friends that I would love to share with, but don't really feel "safe" to do so. As in, I'm not sure it would stay confidential. I'm sure you understand. As far as blogging goes...I actually blog with a lot of my real life friends and or/ several of them read my blog so that can sometime affect what I will write there as well. Somehow, though, I feel more free to write there anyhow...usually.
Sooo true. Accountability is so beneficial and freeing.
Trouble is, I find it hard to find people whom I feel I can trust enough to be transparent to. There is a difference between having a friend that speaks the truth in love instead of speaking out of self-righteousness. It's a true treasure to find a friend on this earth that can love you and support you 'warts and all', and understand you well enough to know how to approach accountability matters they see in you without self-righteous motives.
I find that I'm pretty transparent when I teach a teen class at church on Wednesday nights. I often tell stories of my own experiences over the years (good and bad) to illustrate points, and in a good way, the kids keep me accountable. It causes me to strive to walk the talk and be above reproach...because the last thing I'd ever want to do is to lead someone astray or cause them to stumble by my example.
How did I get so far behind?????
The one thing I've noticed about my IRL friends is that they see my outside first. My appearance. I get to decide based on what they look like and their reputations if it's worth it to pursue them as friends...even they don't know my sin if I don't confess...I'm a great actress.
My bloggy friends see my heart first. Unless I confess them, they are not familiar with my struggles.
See a theme??? The bloggy friends know my heart (and rarely see my face)and this sometimes makes it easier to confess to the world wide web--Yikes!
I think, this post is a good reminder to be thinking that ye ole blog may be read by lots more than my own heart loving bloggy friends.
Now, I only want my blog to sharpen. So I will write from the heart and edit out some of the exposing feelings that may divulge tmi. Also, I want to point out that I have been guilty of revealing tmi to friends when all God was asking me to do was lay my burdens at his feet concerning a certain situation. The Lord is teaching me so much on this.
Great questions. Great answers. Great food for thought.
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