This week our host is Melissa... who stepped out of an airplane from a mission trip to Peru and into a big puddle on her bedroom floor caused by a slow leak in her bathroom! I'm so glad to have her back, I don't even mind the late start. Besides, I'm up to my earlobes with VBS details and really, really needed the extra time. Whoo Hoo! That being said, let's look at this week's topic: Forgiveness....

The entire timing of this study has been hugely meaningful to me. It seems every single time we begin a new chapter, it's exactly the topic I need for the day. This week was no exception. As I worked through the study on forgiveness, I wrestled with God about what that meant for my particular situation. The question wasn't should I forgive?... I think God made that pretty clear in the Bible... of course I knew I needed to forgive. My problem was how do I forgive? How could I make the leap from this impossible place I was- hurt that was quickly hardening into bitterness- to the place where I could honestly say, I have forgiven this person- s/he owes me nothing. without gritting my teeth or crossing my fingers?

I have to say that forgiving others has not really been a huge problem for me in the past. I love living peacefully so much, that I often will forgive mid-apology. I usually am able to remember how much I've been forgiven (by God and my friends and family and others) and am therefore quick to accept and move on. However, when doing the exercise in the workbook that had us list people who we believe have wronged us and then list what we've done in response, I was a little taken aback. I noticed a pattern: in all cases in which there was long-term bitterness, the same thing happened:

1. Withdrawl~ I pulled back from the person, not ignoring, but never initiating interaction
   
2. Waiting~ Like a street beggar, I held out my hand in anticipation of my 'due' apology
   
3. Whining~ I told God I would forgive, except they're not sorry
   
4. Worrying~ I start to feel like it's never going to be fixed, that it's impossible
5. Weleasing~(Okay, Releasing... but I can't resist alliteration) I give the problem to God
   
6. Wondering~ Every single time, He would fix it, and I would be awestruck because it was not even close to how I imagined it would happen, but how wonderful restoration is His way.
   

Two things come to mind here. First, hello, this is a pattern. When I get stuck on number 4- I need to remember the faster I get to step 5 the faster I can rest in step 6. Remembering this will help me hold on to hope, and hopefully not wallow too long in the early stages. Or maybe just skip right to 5. How's that for a concept?

The second thing I noticed is that holding out my hand in anticipation of an apology is much like the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor... I expect God to forgive me for millions of things I haven't confessed one by one, yet I am unwilling to forgive someone of one (or even hundreds) of things they aren't willing to confess? Not.even.right.

This concept softened my heart a little, which is exactly what God needed to get this next part through to my stubborn self... the how on earth am I going to do this? part. Almost immediately after I asked God to help me to learn how to forgive, I was given simple, godly counsel from a godly friend... pray for him/her the way you pray for yourself.

That teensy bit of practical advice completely rocked my world. So easy! Something I could do! I know the things I would like for myself, so all I had to do is think of the particular person that I was angry with and pray specifically for God to do things for him/her only that I would like done for myself:

Forgive him/her, Jesus. Give him/her eyes only for you. Let him/her desire peace. Let him/her feel Your presence, hear Your voice, follow You. Let him/her remember the genuine love we had for each other. Let him/her not grow bitter, but instead grow closer to You....... me too, Father.

.... and just like *snap* that I could feel a change in my heart. I could feel a release of tension that had been building in my core for a long, long time. The anger, hurt, resentment, faded away in my little prayer- for as I lay down my self, Christ came to pick me up and put me back on the path He had for me. Forgiveness no longer felt impossible. It felt necessary.

Does that mean I will never be angry about this situation again? Sadly, that's unlikely. But what I know now is that it's possible to forgive through Christ. Even God is unable to forgive us without Christ's blood. And in order to for Jesus to forgive, He had to lay down His life, release a debt He was owed. Why would I think I am any more equipped to forgive others on my own? In order to truly forgive, I must follow the Holy example: I must go through Jesus, I need to put my self aside, and I need to release any debt I think I'm owed.

For today, I think I can actually say I've done that. I can think of no person today that I think owes me anything. Will that change tomorrow, or even later today? Indubitably. This is a daily death to self, a daily forgiveness of debt, a daily battle that God will continue to fight for me if I'll let Him. What a gift!