*update from part one*
Thank you all for your encouraging words and prayers. It's so easy to forget how amazing the blogging community is when one's been away for a while. You guys are, you know, amazing. I can't even express how cool it is to have your support.
So, I had a doctor visit yesterday. I did inquire about the possibility that this is anxiety or anxiety-induced. He said he absolutely does not believe so. I was honest, I promise. I told him that I am high strung and over committed and have some heavy things on my heart. I told him you told me to ask because you know how I can be. I even let him see some of my crazy firsthand as I burst into tears when he told me that though he's certain it's not anxiety, he's not positive as to what is making it so breathing is such a burden right now.
He gave me some more prescriptions for more things, and a referral to a Pulmonary Specialist. He also told me that I can stop worrying that I'm doing this to myself. That made me cry some more. (I confess I peeked over his shoulder to read his notes to see if I had a psych referral as well- I did not. *whew*) He told me it's normal to feel frustrated after this period of time, but that if I rest and be patient, we'll get to the bottom of this.
rest and be patient.
pfffft.
I was hoping he'd tell me that this new healthy lifestyle I've taken on in the last few months was killing me. I was hoping he'd diagnose a big honkin' Chipotle burrito with extra guacamole deficiency. No dice. Instead he prescribed the things that are hardest for me in the whole.entire.world.
rest and patience.
I was watching a lady cross the street today with her little boy. He was kind of squirming and pulling at her as she held his hand tightly, protecting him from the stampede of carpooling Suburbans with her body. The boy was unaware of her sacrifice- he didn't see the revving engines, he just wanted to be free to take his own path at his own speed. I wondered if that's what I look like sometimes... wrestling and trying to pull ahead of God- resisting His hand and feeling 'held back' when in actuality, He's just keeping me safe from dangers I'm too impatient to notice.
I've spent this week resting, resolved to stop resisting that hand that 'maketh me to lie down in green pastures' as He 'restoreth my soul.' No, I still can't breathe without pain. Not one breath that I've taken in the last 21 days has come without effort. Still, I know that this is not all there is. And maybe the perspective I need for today is that I need to stop looking at my restricted breathing as something that's keeping me from going down my path at my pace, but instead as keeping me on His path at His pace.
hmmmmmm.
The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.
Psalm 23
11 comments:
Rest in the fact that you're not crazy.
That smart people will get to the bottom of this.
That you have people who WANT TO HELP YOU IF YOU ONLY TELL THEM HOW (ahem).
That you are loved.
No way are you crazy, girl...just busy. Obey the doctor and get some good rest (it's a great excuse to break out the Anne of Green Gables series, lol).
We're praying for you!
I have read your blog so many times and not responded but when I read your blog it just hit my heart. Just praying for you and praying that you can find rest during this time.
O Father I pray for every nurse, doctor, and any medical professional that GOD will use to discover what is going on.
May the LORD richly bless you.
I'm with Becky...totally a reason to break out Anne!
Praying for you sis!
I'm so sorry for all of this worry and difficult breathing, Amber. I know He works everything out to glorify Himself, but it's hard for me to see how sometimes.
Which would be why I'm not God.
But still.
I'll pray, friend. For patience and rest, and that you would feel His presence as you wait upon Him.
I'd go ahead and try a burrito, though. Just in case.
Oh man. Rest and be patient, while you are experiencing breathing trouble- that is HARD to do!!! Will be praying for you- for peace in such a situation. I wish I lived closer...would crash with you, watch Anne, then break out my Pride and Prejudice DVD's. You would be sick of me. Seriously, will be praying for wisdom for the doctors and that you will feel God's presence close to you and the peace He can bring.
This is such a beautiful song! Now, I am crying too.
It should NOT hurt to breathe ... and with such extreme tiredness to boot! It is NOT acceptable that the drs take much longer ... and that is NOT lack of patience ... but wisdom gained from experience! My dear daughtie, you cannot afford to be placated, put off, or "procedured" at the expense of your health!
I have lots of annual leave coming and I am available ANY time, day or night ... I love you XOXOXO
So grateful its not anxiety...and still praying for easy breathing.
Can I tell you what I think your problem is?
I think it's all the smoggy CA air.
It's not good for you.
NC air is filled with good, clean, tree filtered oxygen, that is known for helping people who cannot breathe.
So if you want to get well, you have to move here. I'm just saying'.
So sorry that you are having pain when you breathe! I am praying for you girl!!
What have your oxygen levels been? Have they checked your ribs? When you fracture (or break) a rib it can cause pressure on your lungs & could totally be causing pain with every breath...sorry, the "fixer" in me transcended the "friend" in me for a sec.
I thought it was cool that you looked up all the Scriptures on breathing - I would totally have done that as well. God is the author of every breath that we breathe. I am praying that He will take care of you sweet friend and that you will be able to get into your Dr. quickly. May His breath be your own right now and may He fill you with His peace!
And I'm with Gretchen...eat the burrito!! :)
Love and hugs (but not too tight right now...)
Well I diagnosed anxiety, and I am wrong, which is great! It means it's something else which will be a bit more treatable once you find out.
Though I will say, even if it was anxiety, it doesn't mean you are crazy. Even if you were sent to a psych, it doesn't mean you're crazy. Mental illness, like any physical illness, is something that people cannot help. Just want to be clear on that as it sounds like something you might fear.
In closing, I have never been referred to a psych - so I'm not saying this for me! I do know lots of people who have been, though, and it's like anything else - they get through it in their own time.
But seriously, glad you are getting to the bottom of this. Much love to you.
Andrea
ahh!!!!!!!!!!! just saw your latest breathing tweet. i'm really done with this breathing stuff for you. it totally stinks.
i hope you're resting (maybe you should buy another pie to help you relax???)
:)
love
jess
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