us: Well, you don't like our ideas about dating? What do you think the rules should be?
he: I think you should just trust my judgment.
us: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And thus started a new chapter in our lives. Life with a very independent 14 (and a half) year old boy. I have a jillion thoughts about boundaries. My son disagrees with nearly every single one. To him, boundaries are oppressive and offensive and unnecessary. To me, he looks like a beginning swimmer wanting to dive into the middle of the Pacific, confident he can make it to shore. And he wants me to trust him.
There's a reason swimming lessons happen in pools or in lagoons where the water is calm and there are lifeguards and edges. When you're learning, it's not safe to be where there are riptides and undertow and sharks... you need the security of the boundaries that are in place. even if they seem like they're holding you back.
Too often, I would see parents neglect to set up boundaries for their children and I would judge them. What's so hard here? I'd wonder. And then I got a teen of my own- and I got to see someone I love push and shove and test these boundaries. I'm done judging. I know why people don't do it...because though I'm sticking to my guns, and though I know it's for the greater good... it's hard. Holding back the current is EXHAUSTING and HEARTBREAKING and FRUSTRATING and....
excessively rewarding.
Don't tell my kids I said this- but each time they try to knock against the rules we've set up here I know that means they're thinking for themselves. They're trying out their skills in these safe parameters where I can help them if they struggle- way before they drown. I'm thankful they're doing this now, so they can build up the skills they need before they are out there- without me, without a lifeguard, without the walls of a pool or the beaches of a safe marina.
My only goal- my constant quest- is to make sure they know their Life Preserver- the only way they're going to be safe out there in that crazy, boundary-less world.
(oh, and hopefully, come out of this alive too... whew!)
When you go through deep waters,I will be with you.When you go through rivers of difficulty,you will not drown.When you walk through the fire of oppression,you will not be burned up;the flames will not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2
ps: I'm featured over HERE... stop by and say hi to Melissa at A Familiar Path... you'll LOVE her- and not just 'cause she has the cutest baby in the world.
16 comments:
Oh how the dating scares me! (And I think pre-teen boundaries are hard!)
Yikes...I'm not looking forward to this. I love your word picture, it's perfect!
Wonderful. I just love you. And this post.
i love your perspective here. looking at it as if testing you in some ways is a good thing. i like that.
I am so not looking forward to the dating scene! My oldest is only a couple of years behind yours, and already I don't want to think about it. Luckily, I share a wonderful friend and example with you and the three of us share Jesus.
I had this totally naive belief that if I really put hard work into the first 5 years of my kids lives, they would just need a slight tune up now and then for the rest of their growing up years- lol. I still haven't finished shaping my character yet, so I don't know why I thought that it would take only 5 years for them! Boundaries is not a popular word with my teen either...
Stick to your guns, sister!!! Mine are knocking the boundaries daily, and we're not even eleven, yet.
I think the hard part is deciding when to move the boundary stakes and when to hold them firm.
I'm sure we'll be discussing this frequently over the next few years.
What a good, good word! And being the mom of a 10-going-on-16 yo, I need many, many more like this
I am saving this post for myself....for the days ahead that will look alot like this post!
God sent me over here tonight because I needed to hear this perspective. I'm so tired of holding firm to my boundaries. But here was a little respite and a lot of encouragement. You rocketh. xxxooo
Loved this post! Mine are still pre-everything (thankfully!!) but I believe this boundary thing begins at birth and is that healthy struggle between parents and child(ren) preparing them to fly (or swim!) on their own. I couldn't agree more that the main thing is doing all that we can to make sure that they know The Lifepreserver. Our second goal is to make sure that our kids know we are after their hearts and not simply "behavior."
I agree with CPQ - one of the toughest parts is knowing when/how to expand the boundaries. My husband and I constantly pray for wisdom!
I loved this post. I teach it all the time to my SS class of high school girls, but shutter to think of the day when I have to deal with it with my own two daughters (now 8 and 4).
Nice post as usual!
Dating? Oh my goodness, I forget he isn't climbing the tree in the front yard or playing on the swing set in the back yard anymore. That means one thing, we are old Ambear.
Oh, man...SO GOOD! Another one for your devotional book Ms. Patsy er, HisGirl of the Chicas of Faith. =)
You are so wise! When you described their bucking the system as proof that they are beginning to think for themselves was SO refreshing to me. As parents, it is so easy to take it personally. Thanks for putting it back into perspective for me.
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