Thanksgiving

Being thankful is not telling God you appreciate the fact that your life is not in shambles. If that is the basis of your gratitude, you are on slippery ground. Every day of your life you face the possibility that a blessing in your life may be taken away. But blessings are only signs of God's love. The real blessing, of course, is the love itself. Whenever we get too attached to the sign, we lose our grasp on the God who gave it to us. Churches are filled with widows who can explain this to you. We are not ultimately grateful that we are still holding our blessings. We are grateful that we are held by God even when the blessings are slipping through our fingers.

-Craig Barnes

Psalm 100

A psalm of thanksgiving.

 Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth!
Worship the Lord with gladness.
Come before him, singing with joy.
Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation.

May God bless each and every one of you this special day...

Love,

Shopping for Thanksgiving (a commercial break)

So, Thursday, as I was running out the door to go meet up with my BeFri, Brandy in San Francisco (will tell you all about that goodness in the next post), I opened up an envelope from the good people at Safeway. Inside was a $25 gift card for me to take to the nearest Safeway (which I discovered was a Vons for me) and do some Thanksgiving grocery shopping- then chat with ya'll about my experience.  I was up to the challenge and vowed to get to Vons as soon as I got back from Northern California.

I got home on Saturday night, and then worked Sunday morning, so I didn't really get to even think until Monday. It was about that time I realized it was time to face the reality that Thanksgiving is just around the corner! After being sick for so long, and then out for vacation, I had only three things on my mind for grocery shopping criteria: quick, easy, and cheap.  Because I haven't been to Vons in a long time (we moved closer to another store) I was interested to see how their prices measure up to the store that I hate (the closest store) and the store that I love (totally worth the drive), so I first checked out their website to see what's the latest.

I was seriously impressed with all the new stuff they have up!  First of all- there is a recipe for a two hour turkey!!! What is up with THAT? How did I not know you could do that? Very exciting!  I also found that there are TONS of recipes and ideas for meals. Impressive. I jotted down a list, grabbed my grocery minions children, and headed this afternoon to see how I could spend my card and feed my family.

Because this was my grocery store when my son was a baby, it brought back memories of one of my favorite grocery tricks: If I started on the opposite side of the store than the bakery, I could promise my boy that if he sat in the cart the WHOLE time, he could get a cookie at the end. Every week, the kind ladies at the grocery store would give him a little cookie and tell him what a good, big boy he was. I wanted to kiss them for helping me though those trying toddler shopping years. The women were saints.

ANYway, we've come a long way since those days, and now my children are actually helpful. I make let them get the grocery cart:

Then, I gave the kids assignments to help get us in and out of the store quickly. I gave them a challenge to figure out the best price of each item from the list. We kicked it into high gear. The store was not very crowded so we really were able to shop quickly:

The produce department was just so beautiful... we had a great time picking beans for our big feast. And the potatoes were such a good deal, they were almost out!

I was not planning to purchase a turkey on this trip because I already have one in my fridge, defrosting, and then 2 in my garage freezer (my kids love turkey, okay?) so though this looked like a GREAT deal (above), I passed it right by.

One of us was not feeling up to being photographed on this adventure...

but he's actually quite helpful these days!

I'll be making a pumpkin pie, but couldn't resist these. They looked so pretty! 

...pretty delicious!

Here's my crew of cart unloaders. (woot!)

I was pleasantly surprised at my bottom line- I got a whole thanksgiving feast and a few extra items for waaaay under budget! We were in and out in about 45 minutes. Not bad at all, especially since I wasn't familiar with the store layout.

Here's the best part! Because I spent a particular amount of money, the cashier offered to me that I could purchase a whole turkey for ... FIVE DOLLARS!!! That was the cherry on top that made this entire trip just beyond enjoyable! I think I just may have found a new love in an older store. Also, I totally forgot that they are willing to take your groceries out to your car for you. It's been years since I've been in a store that actually offers decent customer service and I was pleasantly surprised. So glad to report that this trip was quick, easy, and cheap. (no jokes about that being anyone's nickname in college, okay? that would be inappropriate)

I'll keep you posted on how the Two Hour Turkey and other recipes turn out!!!

I'll be back soon with our regularly scheduled programming....

Happy Thanksgiving to each of you- may blessings abound to you and yours,

Pressing On

I can't bear to talk health anymore... so quick update and then we're pressing on. Feeling much better, after having a nasty 'adverse reaction' to the meds I was on. Apparently Advair and I are not friends. Now, I have a new medication (that's the 8th in four weeks for those of you keeping count) that seems to actually work pretty well most of the time.  I have an appointment next Wednesday to have a pulmonary function test and hope to get some more answers in the breathing department that very day. Also, I'm all done with the Prednisone. The drug-induced POW is gone, but I am so happy to not be feeling horrid I am appreciating the natural POW that comes with hope and rest.

Okay, so here's the deal: I've been reading through the Bible, with commentary, daily, chapter by chapter for the last three years. I am currently in the book of Daniel and I am love, love, loving it so much I can barely stand keeping it to myself. THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IN THERE!!!

I have this harebrained idea that I'm letting God stir around in my heart... I am thinking about writing an online, 4 week long bloggy Bible study that takes us all on a trek through the book of Daniel.

What do you think? How many of you would be interested in joining me? Here's how I think it'd work:

Sundays: You'll get emailed to you the study guide for the week. Included will be 4 days' worth of materials. Each day's materials will be designed to be completable in around 20 minutes (including reading).You'll have all week to finish them at your own pace.

Mondays: We'll meet again to discuss 2 discussion questions on my blog and/or you can post this information on your own blog.

I'm super excited about this idea- and would love to get your opinion...What do you think:

a. Is this something that would interest you?

b. If timing is your only obstacle, what timing would be better?

c. Is there another obstacle we could work through?

I've long wanted to write a through the Bible devotion book- and though I've written kid's curriculum, I've never done anything like this for adults. You'd be like my guinea pigs, so I can't really make a lot of promises. I can promise you that I'll be open to input so the study might be something that doesn't add another thing to your plate, but maybe instead opens the door for God to be able to lighten your load. I can promise you I'll pray about every word I write. And I can promise you that God will be glorified. Also, because you're being my test subjects, I'll be happy to provide the study guide to you via email for free.

Daniel is a book full of intrigue. So far I'm seeing themes of weathering trials, silencing satan's lies, standing firm in our faith... and *gulp* end times prophesy. Should be QUITE a safari.

You don't have to commit now, but if you think you might be interested, virtually raise your hand in the comment section below. (and don't worry if this isn't calling your name right now... I also can promise not to take it personally!) If I get the green light from God, and there are enough interested, I think we'll kick this off the first week of the new year.

 *holds breath* okay, I'm all ears- what say you?

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

Daniel 3:16-18

RAD

Well, aren't you all so glad to read another post about my health? Oh boy! Me too!

My appointment with the Chief of Medicine was yesterday. It did NOT go how I hoped, which would have been like this:

Oh! HisGirl! Look at this! There is a teensy little splinter right here on the surface of your skin. *plink* I took it out for you, painlessly. And look! POW! You're cured! You're welcome.

No, that's not how it went at all. Instead, it went much like all my other visits in which we discuss all the ways we know it isn't cancer, hypochondria, anxiety, mold, crippling lung disease in which you are going to die any moment, or dental hydroplosion. Then, he told me that though it is very odd that I am not responding to the current treatment (specifically that Prednisone turns me into a Superhero, but not one that can breathe properly) his diagnosis most likely going to be Asthma.

Me: If it's not Asthma, what else could it be?
He: Asthma.
Me: Or?
He: Asthma.
Me: So... we've ruled out everything ...
He: It's Asthma. (totally reminded me of this:)

X X

He was actually very compassionate as we talked about the next few steps. For now, my official diagnosis is REACTIVE AIRWAY DISEASE (dun, dun, dun) which sounds very dramatic, but really in my case RAD is just the diagnosis before the diagnosis of Asthma. We're not going to call it Asthma on the books until I take a series of lung function tests... likely next week. Immediately following the tests, we will sit down and make a plan about how we're going to manage this thing so I can get back to doing the finer things in life... like exhaling AND inhaling without keeling over. Very exciting.

I told him I was disappointed that he told me that we'll get to the bottom of this and get my medications right and get me breathing in the next couple of weeks. I told him I was looking for 'later on today.' He laughed and said that I don't need to worry, I have a team now who's going to help me. Not very POW, but slightly comforting nonetheless, I suppose. In the meantime, I had to banish my feather pillows *sob* from my bed, and I'm no longer allowed to do laundry. (that last bit might not have been typed into the official paperwork, so I just went ahead and added it in myself with a sharpie)

Today, I woke excessively early thinking about all this. I was laying there on my new hypoallergenic and overpriced but seriously comfy pillow and cautioned myself not to get all dramatic about this whole thing. Perspective is really important at this point. Mentally, I reminded myself of all my friends (including Becky & Gretchen & about 5 more of you) who have told me about their own experiences with Asthma... and how it's a pain but not a crippling thing every day of their lives. I thought about Sheryl and Jess who both deal with (WAY more intense than what I'm experiencing) adult-onset chronic illnesses that are doing it so gracefully and honestly with Jesus that they have been encouraging me through their blogs for years way before this little breathing kerfuffle. I considered all of you who are helping their children through rough spots right now and/or whose children have always struggled with their health, yet... you're doing it. It's not POW! every day... but it's working out. This? this breathing thing? this is not a big deal. This is life. It's imperfect. It's inconvenient. It's uncomfortable... but it's not the end!

Remember when I went to the American Girl Store with my girls in September? I told you about this conversation on the way to the store:

(The dresses were a bargain find we discovered last week... but they were a little huge. As we headed to the store, K was fussing about how uncomfortable she was in the car. 'We are 12 minutes away, K... can you deal with it or not?' Her answer had me in stitches...'Are you kidding? I've been waiting to go to the American Girl Place forever! I could deal with it if i were sitting on ROCKS!')

I keep thinking of that this morning because it occurs to me that though she was feeling all out of sorts, she was fine with being uncomfortable because she knew where she was headed! The anticipation of her ultimate destination made her able to overlook the discomfort of scratchy petticoats and bulky dress sitting. She had been studying catalogs and dreaming for so long that it made sitting on rocks sound like a small price to pay.

Let that be so for each of us, my friends.
May each of us look at our challenges,
even ones that last for the rest of our lives
as temporary.
'Cause, you know what?
This is not our destination! We still have ETERNITY!
Just thinking of being with Jesus someday?
Totally makes me feel like I could sit on ROCKS...

POW!

For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name.
Hebrews 13:14-15 NLT

POW!

I have always wanted to be a superhero. Fighting crime in a cute outfit appeals to me in a way that I guess I just can't describe. As a child, I loved Jaime Sommers (oh how I longed to be bionic!) and could think of nothing more amazing than to be Diana Prince... (You're a wonder, Wonder Woman!) As an adult, I confess a inner desire to be Sydney Bristow and kick some bad guy.... booty.

Now, I have a few super powers (including a sonic blast of a whistle & the power to command the attention of hundreds of children without a microphone or candy) that are pretty impressive. However, as you know already, I've been feeling less than super lately.

(unless you count the two days I was flying around all hyped up on Prednisone last week! I was OUT OF CONTROL! I felt like a crimefighter for realz, people! POW! I sorted through stacks of paper! POW! I bought cute shoes! POW! I finished my Christmas shopping! POW! I foiled my trash-eating beagle! BOO-YAH! .....But then the breathing thing got the best of me and I lost the POW! sad but true story.)

And though I've come to terms with the fact that I can't take stairs in a single bound, and that I am just not going to be huffing and puffing and blowing anything over anytime soon, I'm still not ready to give up entirely and just lie and wait to die. I woke up this morning ready to fight! As soon as the offices were open, I went on a phone-calling mission to get my referral to the Pulmonary Specialist expedited. I talked to one person, then another, then one more. Each was so kind to give me just a little more information until I at last wound up with the Pulmonary Master Scheduler (that's her actual title) who was- I KID YOU NOT- the coolest, most accommodating person I've ever come across in the medical phone talking profession. And here's the AMAZING MIRACLE....She got me an appointment TOMORROW with the actual CHIEF OF PULMONARY MEDICINE!!!

It's those little moments that remind me that God totally has this handled. I don't need to BE a superhero... I HAVE a Superhero... and He wants even more than I do for me to be living out the plan that He has for me. I don't need to be out trying to summons up my own answers, to fight my own battles, to figure out what to do next on my own! He'll give me all the 'POW'ers I need to be able to do exactly what I need to do exactly when I need to do it. I can relax in the fact that while I need to be sensitive to His leading, I don't need to fret that I'm not super enough to kick this. Yes, I'm weary. I can't breathe. I have no POW left... but.... I merely have to reach out and touch Him to access far more than I could even ask for. His is the Kingdom. His the Power. His is the Glory. Forever and ever.... AMEN!

How's that for POW?!?!

But Jesus said, “Someone deliberately touched me, for I felt healing power go out from me.”
Luke 8:14

(that being said, I'd like the record to show that I'm still not giving up my dream of wearing a cape, cute boots, and some kickin' bracelets, SOMEDAY ... okay?)

breathing part 2.

*update from part one*
Thank you all for your encouraging words and prayers. It's so easy to forget how amazing the blogging community is when one's been away for a while. You guys are, you know, amazing. I can't even express how cool it is to have your support.

So, I had a doctor visit yesterday. I did inquire about the possibility that this is anxiety or anxiety-induced. He said he absolutely does not believe so. I was honest, I promise. I told him that I am high strung and over committed and have some heavy things on my heart. I told him you told me to ask because you know how I can be. I even let him see some of my crazy firsthand as I burst into tears when he told me that though he's certain it's not anxiety, he's not positive as to what is making it so breathing is such a burden right now.

He gave me some more prescriptions for more things, and a referral to a Pulmonary Specialist. He also told me that I can stop worrying that I'm doing this to myself. That made me cry some more. (I confess I peeked over his shoulder to read his notes to see if I had a psych referral as well- I did not. *whew*) He told me it's normal to feel frustrated after this period of time, but that if I rest and be patient, we'll get to the bottom of this.

rest and be patient.


pfffft.


I was hoping he'd tell me that this new healthy lifestyle I've taken on in the last few months was killing me. I was hoping he'd diagnose a big honkin' Chipotle burrito with extra guacamole deficiency. No dice. Instead he prescribed the things that are hardest for me in the whole.entire.world.

rest and patience.

I was watching a lady cross the street today with her little boy. He was kind of squirming and pulling at her as she held his hand tightly, protecting him from the stampede of carpooling Suburbans with her body. The boy was unaware of her sacrifice- he didn't see the revving engines, he just wanted to be free to take his own path at his own speed. I wondered if that's what I look like sometimes... wrestling and trying to pull ahead of God- resisting His hand and feeling 'held back' when in actuality, He's just keeping me safe from dangers I'm too impatient to notice.

I've spent this week resting, resolved to stop resisting that hand that 'maketh me to lie down in green pastures' as He 'restoreth my soul.' No, I still can't breathe without pain. Not one breath that I've taken in the last 21 days has come without effort. Still, I know that this is not all there is. And maybe the perspective I need for today is that I need to stop looking at my restricted breathing as something that's keeping me from going down my path at my pace, but instead as keeping me on His path at His pace.

hmmmmmm.

The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.

Psalm 23

breathing.

Who needs to breathe anyway?

Two weeks ago, I wrote this blog post:

So, for about the past week, I've been struggling with a big o'pile of ... well, struggles.

Physically, I've had a seriously hard time breathing. Like, seriously hard. Finally, last night my friend Julie came and took me out to urgent care in the middle of the night.

On the way there, we got a flat tire, and because she was driving her son's former car which is lowered, it had to be towed. My husband was a superhero and came to wait with the car while we took his to the urgent care.

by the way, I may or may not have said a bad word when we found out the tire was actually flat.
Thank you, Julie, for not judging me.

On the way there, she asked me if I think I'm having such a rough week because I'm trying to do too much. I'm sure that's part of the trouble. Because she's been with me this week (and is a facebook friend like many of you are) she knows the stories of me forgetting to pick up the high school carpool the day after I locked my keys in the house and had to walk to do the 5th grade carpool. She knows that I've spoken at a MOPS meeting, gone to a 20th reunion planning meeting, been planning big projects at work, and dealing with some big emotional issues.

I could use this paragraph here to explain to you what the burdens on my heart are, but sadly, part of the reason they feel so burden-y is because they're not public stuff. I'm constantly aware of the the fact that I'm still morning the months-ago loss of a friendship, that we still aren't settled about some bad health news for a family member, and I'm reeling from some shocking news dredged up from the past and stirred around a bit. It's not major stuff by any means, but it is real and hard and ... exhausting.

So, when we got to the urgent care, I expected the doctor to send me home with the typical, "rest, drink fluids" lecture. Instead, he was worried. My chest was so tight, he wondered why I hadn't been in earlier. He gave orders for a chest xray, a breathing treatment, and a shot of steroids to get me to breathe a little better.

So glad to have a friend with me, one who wouldn't run screaming when the nurse let me know that I would be taking that shot in the 'bottom', AFTER I had just brought Julie in the exam room to hang out while I took my breathing treatment. aaaanyway.....

The result was that the shot hurt, the breathing treatment turned me into a shaky bundle of nerves, and the xray turned out fine. I was sent home with a bunch of prescriptions and the instruction to come back if I felt any worse.

So, today, I'm hanging out here in my bed, dozing in and out of consciousness, my chest feeling like my bigfatbeagle is sitting on it...

I didn't finish it, and decided not to publish it, because I thought it sounded all doomy and gloomy and I don't like that kind of post, so I decided to wait until I felt better.

Except I didn't get better.

I've been back to the Dr. since. I don't want to even go into all the test and prodding and horrifying things, except to say this: If people don't know how to draw blood, they shouldn't stick other people with needles several times, dig around for a while, call another friend who can't draw blood, let them dig around a little, and then call someone who is awesome and who can do it on the first try. Instead, they should do something else for a living.

Anyway, the good news is that I do not have a pulmonary embolism. I now look like a battered woman/iv drug user with trackmarks making pretty colors all over my arms, but apparently no embolisms. So, I have that.

I also still can't breathe.

But I mostly can't stand listening to myself whine any more. It's time to suck it up and press on. I can't just lay here waiting to breathe. While I'm waiting to be healed, I'm checking into everything I can, praying about ways to slow down a little bit, resting up, casting more cares upon Him, and waiting for a response to see if I can get an appt with my primary care physician before DECEMBER. In the meantime, I intend to focus my eyes on God's word. The Bible reminds us that everything that has breath can praise the Lord. It doesn't say 'Let everything that breathes well, praise the Lord'- so I'm going to just praise Him with the breath that I have.

Last week, when I was looking for that everything that has breath scripture, I found another one that just keeps turning over and over and over in my heart...

Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!

Psalm 116:2

Now, is it just me, or does the picture of our Heavenly Father, lovingly bending down to listen make you just breathe easier?

*sigh*

(this is the part when I apologize for a long, rambly, rusty blog post and promise to return soon with something much more organized and far less gloomy)