*this is my personal post in response to week 4 of the Safari study. You can read the other beautiful perspectives of my Safari Sisters by clicking HERE.
I knew this week was going to be rough for me... it's no secret that pride is one of my most toxic vices. I crave glory like an alcoholic lusts for a glassful of their own poison. I yearn for recognition, spotlights, feedback, praise. It's filthy and disgusting to look at in its raw form, so I'd often hide it behind false humility... which worked for me about as well as a paper bag wrapped around a bottle of booze works for a drunk.
I knew this week was going to be rough for me... it's no secret that pride is one of my most toxic vices. I crave glory like an alcoholic lusts for a glassful of their own poison. I yearn for recognition, spotlights, feedback, praise. It's filthy and disgusting to look at in its raw form, so I'd often hide it behind false humility... which worked for me about as well as a paper bag wrapped around a bottle of booze works for a drunk.
Since I've made the decision to follow Jesus, I've prayed for Him to allow me to humble myself, to want His glory more than my own... to replace my yearning for the spotlight with a drive to give it all to Him. Honestly, these prayers have for the most part been answered... or are in the process of being answered anyway. I suppose if you want to continue with my addict analogy... I'd be a recovering prideoholic. Though I lean on God's grace to avoid the temptation to overindulge in my vice, I battle my self-centered nature one day at a time...sometimes minute by minute.
The ironic thing about my personal addiction is that my professional life and hobbies have the potential to be the most humbling, glory-to-God-giving, most selfless arenas ever...
or it can be like letting a wino work in a bar.
Public speaking, training, teaching, consulting, writing, blogging.... all can be used to reflect His light, and all can also take a violent swing to expose the worst of me- when my motivations switch from wanting to point people to Jesus, and over to wanting to soak up accolades for myself. The gifts that God gave me of being comfortable in the spotlight and fairly adept at stringing words together can also be my greatest curse.
So, you can imagine the battle that took place in my heart when I heard God whisper to my heart to start this Daniel Safari. Selfish-and-salivating-for-opportunities-to-shine-Amber both loved the opportunity and hated it. She drooled at the chance to draw attention to herself, and feared failure and public humiliation. The other part of me (the His Girl part) feared only the possibility of uncaging that horrid side of herself.
However, God has called me His own. I don't have to be that girl... drunk on pride, seeking my own way... I have been given the gift of humility- I just need to use it, nurture it, care for it more than I do my vanity. I can't let fear be a reason I don't obey God. That's just ridiculous.
So I took a deep breath and jumped... out of my comfort zone and into the jungle... leading 42 other women onto a Safari deep into the heart of God....
to be continued.....
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works
and glorify your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:16
9 comments:
hi, my name is lisa and i'm a prideaholic.
did i write this?
awwwww...good post daughtie...I esp like the "safari deep into the heart of God." Oh yes!
Well written, friend. I love your honesty and transparency. I, too, can place myself right next to you at the next pride-a-holic meeting. Thankfully we have a Savior who want to free us from that stronghold. What better place to start than with a fellow sojourner!
xoxo
oh, honey.
Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.
I hate that I was sick this last week and my kids too, because I really had so.much.more to write about for this week but they remain in my notebook...
I just am so happy that you did decide to Safari us along...because this journey is so great!
Love ya!
You are my wonder twin.
you are the real deal
i appreciate this post
pride is something we all deal with on different levels in different ways
may GOD continue to show you the way
i really enjoyed this post
thank you
Oh, platernal one...How I love you.
And really, Amber, isn't it nice to see that all of us struggle, AND all of us are healed by the same God, giving us just what we need, where we need it on our very personal SAFARIs? I mean, we may be sharing this together, but God has each one of us by the heart. I praise Him for speaking to and through you. And I praise Him for your humanness. Why? Because He made you human. And if you can learn from your sins in a way which reflect His glory for the rest of us, so that we may be able to do the same and pay it forward...well then????
Wow!
Sorry for going all stream of conscious there... ;0)
It is amazing to see everyone's responses to this post - Lisa's, "Did I write this?" rang true to me as well!
"The gifts that God gave me of being comfortable in the spotlight and fairly adept at stringing words together can also be my greatest curse." Oh, can I relate girl!
The timing of my reading this post (just having written my first in months) was such a God thing...my heart while I wrote it was so pure and genuinely walking in humility only to be closely followed (after the "post" button was hit) by that mixture of complete insecurity and desire for positive feedback and praise. I'm hearing you loud and clear God! :) Thank you for being the vessel you are Amber, and constantly pointing us right back to Him.
Um, I think I'm a pridaholic too. Ugh.
Great post, Amber. I love the analogy you used about pride/alcoholism.
I'm really proud of you for being obedient in writing/leading this study. And I am so sorry that I leaped before looking and didn't realize I was overloaded. After reading all the weekly posts (yours and others) I'm realizing what I'm missing. My thought is that maybe I can catch up this summer.
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