Responsibility.

I've probably said this a majillion times here on the blog, but I do truly believe that a person's best features are often their worst features.  I think it's fair to say that I am a fairly responsible person. That's not always bad... you can pretty much assume that I will follow through on whatever I tell you I will do, I have never once not paid a bill, I will stay up 'til a hundred o'clock to make a deadline. It's a great quality.

On the other hand, I am also r.e.s.p.o.n.s.i.b.l.e. (if you're reading this out loud, say that word with your most exasperated tone, while rolling your eyes, and exhaling deeply) from the definition of the word that means 'thinks she is responsible for EVERYTHING.'  It's not a pretty picture.

If I were to have a party at my house, I'd be really excited to have you all over.  If you told me you couldn't come because you had a big meeting that day, I'd feel responsible for not scheduling it with you in mind.  If I didn't invite your next door neighbor, and I heard that she was super sad for not being invited, I'd feel responsible for fixing that. If somebody said they couldn't make it at the last minute because they didn't have a sitter, I'd feel responsible for helping you find someone.

After you arrived, I would feel responsible for making sure everyone was having a great time. I'd walk around, trying to help the lonely find someone to chat with. I'd wander here and there until I discovered you'd all gotten what you needed, and that you were all comfortable, and then I'd relax until it was time to make sure everyone left on time and got home safely.

I'd love to think that this is a sign of me being a good person. But the painful truth is that this is a pride thing.  Sadly, I fear more than anything else that people won't like me. They won't think I am good or kind or special, and then I will die. or, worse yet- What if I cause someone to stumble by not taking my responsibility seriously enough?  I want more than anything else to leave that part of me in the past. I want to move forward and think more of God than I do of myself. I want to remember that I can 'just do my best and let God do the rest.'

It's not that I shouldn't take my part seriously - I absolutely should!- but it's important that I realize that IT'S NOT ALL MY PART or I will dissolve in a bundle of nerves and pressure.

Sometimes I have to say right out loud to stop the anxiety:  I am not God. I am responsible only to do what God has told me to do. I am not in charge of other people's emotions, reactions, or choices. My job is not to please people, but to please God.

I'm re-learning this lesson again today.  Many of you are signed up for the Backpacking Through Joshua study that starts on Jan 1. Today as I am going to bed, there are actually 42 people registered. Most of me is THRILLED!  This is a pure answer to prayer, and a great honor and a huge


re.spons.si.bil.i.ty.


Oh dear. there it is again. That WORD! *smacks forehead*

I do not want to fear letting so many people down, people who are showing up expecting to see God. I do not want to let my longing to make people love me to control this study. Moreover, I do not want to get so freaked out about all these people and the responsibility attached that I get in the way of God.

I am praying now that God would help me to remember that it was my responsibility to write this study, but it's the Holy Spirit's job to teach it.


Will you please join me in prayer too, my friends?

If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

Romans 12:8