Monday, March 14, 2011

Good Grief.

My Gramps passed away peacefully in his sleep on Sunday morning.

It's been a funky couple of days. Yesterday, I was uncannily composed. I wanted to be there for my mom and I wanted to make sure the things that needed to be done yesterday were taken care of. I felt the sad lurking, but only shed a tear or two as I went throughout the day, surrounded by prayers and people I love.  This lasted for hours and hours and hours.

Until I crawled into bed well after midnight, exhausted and weary (are those the same thing? Too tired to remember) and felt this bubble rise up from my chest and with it came deep, hiccuppy sobs of grief and sadness. It suddenly occurred to me that my Grandfather was gone.

I suppose I'll never really know on this earth if he's waiting for me in heaven, but I take peace in the fact that God is a very fair God, that He loves my grandpa even more than I do, and that Gramps was given every fair chance imaginable. My grandfather stopped struggling a few days ago, the furrowed brow and the fist shaking stopped, and he looked at peace Saturday night when I last saw him. I am taking that as a sign that he finally reconciled whatever he needed to do and that now he is hanging with Jesus. That makes me happy.

Right now, I keep finding myself feeling deep grief for maybe the very first time in my life. Tears keep welling up inside, and I feel like I'm having an everlasting asthma attack.  Then, I'm fine. I keep smiling when I remember the cool things about this man who gladly stepped in as a father for my mom and then stepped up to be my father figure when he was needed for that role. I want to tell you all those stories, but when I go to write them down I feel sad and incapable of finding any words. When I busy myself with the next thing the sad goes away.  Today in his apartment, I kept thinking I wanted to ask Grandpa about something and when I'd realize he wasn't coming, I'd get all funky again.  In and out. Up and down. Sad and less sad. This is an altogether unfamiliar feeling to me and I feel like I'm just riding the waves, unable to control where I go next, but trusting that God understands mourning and will pull me out before I go in over my head. I feel peace and comfort and love within the grief and I wonder how people do this without Jesus.

I'm trying to set my self to writing his obituary, but I think first I need to just let my heart settle a little more. For now, I think I'll just share with you a couple of the treasures I found among his things this morning:

Thank you all for your prayers.  God's such an amazing Comforter.  I can ask for no more.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Cor 1:3-4



The McLean Family Blog said...

Simply Beautiful....I know what you're going through and you explained it perfectly. Our God is a faithful God and He is with you every step of the way. I agree, I don't know how people without Jesus get through this time in their lives. Blessings to you and yours♥

Diana said...

"I wonder how people do this without Jesus..." I think that so often myself. I am grateful for you that the Comforter is very familiar and very near. I am so sorry for your loss and pray for your consolation. Love to you friend.

Mining for Diamonds said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I love the pic of your grandpa reading the LIFE magazine! He was a very handsome and distinguished looking man!

I can understand the not knowing his eternal fate. I went through the same thing when I lost my brother...but I also found peace in the fact that, as you say, God is very fair and I know for a fact that He made Himself known to my brother, who had every opportunity to make his peace with Jesus. Whether or not he did, only eternity will know, but God gave me peace to release him into his eternal fate, whatever that might be.

May God continue to do the same for you, and comfort you in this time of grief.

Becky said...

(((Hugs))) You were very blessed to have a wonderful grandpa in your life, and those photos are great treasures. And you're so right...our God IS a very good comforter. Praying for you all!

Alana said...

I am so sorry for your loss, but thankful for your grandfather's peace near the end and now. A true comfort.

lisasmith said...

This is beautiful. Grandpa's legacy lives on in his beautiful granddaughter! I am praying for you constantly.

Love you madly,

Halfmoon Girl said...

I'm so hard.
I am glad that you saw him at peace before he passed away. I will be praying for comfort for you and your mom at this time. Those are neat pictures :)

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

Just wanted to tell you that I'm praying. Loss and grief is never a slight ebbs and flows and sometimes catches me completely by surprise. God holds it all...every tear, every thought, every emotion, every memory...and He holds us in His loving arms. Rest in that today, friend. He's got you.

Melissa Stover said...

i treasure the old photos i have of my grandfather like that. i'm so sorry for your loss. grandpas are something special.