Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Eighteen.



This morning, I woke up to the staggering realization that my firstborn is a man.

shoot. I told myself I wouldn't cry.

It feels like I wrote this post yesterday. In it, I reflected on my son who was suddenly a teenager. I worried how I would parent such a creature. I was frustrated with his early teen punk attitude, I was excited about the future, I wondered what was ahead.

and then, I blinked.

And out of the blue, here we are- he's 18 today. Once again, I'm at a loss for words... instead of fumbling through, I think I'm gonna copy my idea from 2008 and just post my rambly, raw, prayer journal entry for today, a quick 5 years later ....

Lord- Today is the 18th anniversary of the day you put Spencer in my arms.
Thank You.
It's the day my name changed to Mom. It's the day I learned what deep, achy, true, rich, sacrificial love feels like. 
How do I ever thank You for that?
I pray that You show me how to care for this boy who is now a man but will always be my child.
I pray Joshua 1:9 for him- May he always be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. Let him not be afraid or discouraged. Let him feel You with him wherever he goes.
Jesus, let him choose to follow You now that the parameters of his free will have been expanded. Let him learn from his mistakes. Let him know how to admit when he is wrong, fix what is broken, celebrate other's accomplishments. Protect him from his own youthful pride. Let him be humble enough to grow and learn and become the adult you created him to be.  
Guide his steps, O Lord- as he makes so many major life decisions over the next few years- education, career, financial, where he lives, who he will marry... 
let him first choose You.  
Please let him get through graduation. Let him finish high school well.  Let him succeed with his education- let him find adult friends who urge him to make godly choices. Let him be honorable, honest, compassionate, and kind. Let him learn to serve you and care for others.  
God, teach me how to be the mother of a man. 
Let me love him and let him go out on his own so he will not ever be hindered by my actions or attitudes.
Please fill in the gaps where my parenting lacked- I know I fell down on the job many times. I smothered, I neglected, I overreacted, I underreacted, I was too hard on him, I was too easy on him. Please forgive me. You know I tried to do well. Thank you for using me even in my weaknesses. 
Let him always know how much he's loved- by You and by me.
You are amazing, Lord! What a wonderful, beautiful, responsible, smart, funny, odd, amazing person you created! I am thoroughly enjoying him these days. I love laughing with him, talking with him, counting on him.  He's a true joy to me. Thank you for letting me love him. Keep teaching me how to love him right. 
Bless him Lord! 

Being a mother is a trip and a half. I have always half-joked that it's an experiment.  I do the best that I know how and see if it turns out in the end... I am thankful that I can trust in God, who loves Spencer more than I do, to correct my mistakes and to make the lessons we've been teaching him over the last 18 years stick. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this amazing kid as he steps into adulthood.

now, will someone please pass Momma a tissue?

 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go

Joshua 1:9 (NLT)

2 comments:

Gretchen said...

You said you wouldn't cry. Nothing about me not crying.

Wayyyy cool, Mama. Sending love to your tender, full, grateful heart today.

andrea frazer said...

You did well, Mama! I can understand how bittersweet this must be. I'm closer to it than I want to admit. Hang in there!