His Girl's Blog

Fed.

2012-01-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

I have food in my refrigerator and pantry. I put it there because I want to make sure my children have what they need to grow and develop properly. When I plan a weekly menu, I make sure there are representatives of every food group- some veggies, fruits, grains, proteins, dairy products. I take time to make their meals delicious and enjoyable. I want my kids to be completely nourished and satisfied. We work hard so they won't be hungry.

Now, imagine that at about 5 o'clock every day, I walked down into my kitchen, tied on an apron, and made a dinner for two. My kids-who really don't want to be bothered with coming to the table, don't like to be told what to do, and have other things they prefer to do - just help themselves to whatever they can scrounge up without getting up off the sofa. My husband and I sit down at the table and eat the delicious, nutritious food and wonder why our kids are acting so poorly... they are bickering and grouching and lazy and rude. What is the problem with our kids? We ask ourselves... they're acting hungry, we'd say- but how can that be? We've got plenty of food in the cabinet! the fridge is stocked! We have full bellies!

As ridiculous as that sounds, I wonder if it's possible that any of us do that for our children on a spiritual level? Do we put Bibles on shelves, play Christian music in the background, and hang scripture on our walls and wait for our kids to serve themselves? Do we wake up early for a devotional time, attend Bible studies, and have deep spiritual conversations with our friends, while letting our kids catch what they can? And then, are we wondering why our children seem to be spiritually starving?

This year, I intend to put as much time into making sure my children are fed spiritually as I put into making sure they are fed physically. I want to be sure that I don't assume they're getting fed just because spiritual nourishment is readily available. I know that it's my job to take the time to grow spiritually- but I don't want to pretend that it's just going to settle into my children's hearts by osmosis.

I desperately want to see my children grow to be the men & women God created them to be. Could there be any greater joy? Is this your dream too? What do you do to make sure your children are not spiritually malnourished? I'm genuinely interested in hearing what you have to say- please share....

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.

Deuteronomy 4:9

New Year.

2011-12-31T09:26:00.000-08:00

This year.

Oh, this year.

This wonderful, horrible, beautiful, stupid year.

I could tell from the beginning it was going to be ... different.

In fact, early on I titled this 'The year of obedience'- a vow to work at keeping perspective and focusing on obeying God no matter what the cost- and I was pumped up and ready to take this year on!

Of course, about a year ago:

I wasn't a full-time college student
I had two more grandparents on earth
My church family was seemingly intact
I was ready to teach all the way through the book of Joshua in an online study
The biggest deal with my son was counting down 'til his 16th birthday
My daughters were easygoing 11 year olds full of optimism and sweetness
All my appliances worked
My roof didn't leak
I was (some really big number) pounds lighter
My dental history was significantly less traumatic
My expenses were several hundred dollars less a month
I blogged on regular basis

What I discovered is that obedience is difficult under any circumstances, but in the midst of serious homework, deep grief, shock and hurt, disappointment, loss, disgust, shame, terror, irritation, pain, fatness, and unexpected expenses... well, it's downright impossible without God. In fact, if I would have known how hard this year was going to be, I think I would have called this 'The year of pampering' and skipped all the trials altogether.

but God.

I love stories that have a 'but God' in them... the ones where everything seems bleak or hopeless- impossible or ridiculous, and then the whole story turns around. And that, my friends, is exactly true in my story. While I can't say that about halfway through the year the story changed and I lived happily ever after, I can tell you with certainty that in the midst of these trials, God's goodness was woven into every fiber. And that made 2011 worth a closer look.

You see, I maybe could have fast forwarded past college, past the deaths of my grandma, Ruby, in December and my grandpa, Bud, in March, past our church family's Big.Fat.Mess (which is a waaaay bigger part of this story than I can write about at this time), past the point when I had to confess I could not 'do everything' and put the study on hold halfway through, beyond the worry of my son being a licensed driver and having a supercute girlfriend, past the intermittently hormonal personality change of two 12 year old twins who shall not be named, skipped the failings of several major and minor appliances, past learning the effects of stress eating + homework on the size of one's butt, past the trips to the dentist for major work, and past the new expenses of a new car payment, insurance on a 16 year old kid's car, and all sorts of other new bills, and beyond the life-induced coma of my blog... but God knew the exact path that was necessary for what He had in store for me. And had I asked Him to take me around the rubble instead of through the storms? Well,

I would have missed out on some really amazing things:

The birth of a long-prayed for nephew
The work of God as a comforter, restorer, rebuilder
The joy of celebrating 20 amazing years of marriage in Washington, DC
The strengthening of my relationship with my husband
The thrill of surprising my bestie in TX as a treat from her husband
The new friends I made and cherish from the part of the study that we did get to do
The lessons I learned and needed from the first half of the study
Seeing my son grow into a more responsible, thoughtful young man
Watching my daughters become young ladies much more gracefully than I ever did
Seeing how fun it is to have a car that can fit more than just our family in it
Counting my blessings and realizing that my trials, though hard for me and no less traumatic, are insignificant when compared to those of people in much more desperate situations then my own... people who have lost children, spouse, homes this year.
Watching Christians pull together to take care of a horrible situation the best they can
The satisfaction of standing firm for God's plan instead of running and hiding for my own
Deeper, richer, truer friendships
The excitement of finding clearanced-out stainless steel appliances and the ridiculous joy of having them in my kitchen
The silly thrill of a 4.0 GPA
Trips to CO, TX, GA, and AZ
The re-connection with several friends I haven't heard from in years
The new, closer, more dependent relationship I have with God- because of His care for me, I have more faith, stronger resolve, better character... and best of all? hope.

So... back to the Year of Obedience ...

This year.

Oh, this year.

This wonderful, horrible, beautiful, stupid year.

I am grateful for the lessons learned, the blessings given, the chances to obey. I am happy that I chose to press on and not crawl in my bed and finish out the year in my bed. I am happy for the chance to watch God work in times of tribulation...

But most of all?

I'm glad it's over.

Here's to 2012- the year of Hope. Not my will, Lord, but Yours.

-HisGirl,

amber

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us

Romans 5:1-5

running the race.

2011-12-11T16:01:00.001-08:00

*peeks up through the fog* hallllllllllllloooooooooooooo? Is anyone out there?

I am so thrilled! I am out for school for AN ENTIRE MONTH! If you were in my house when I turned in my final paper, you would have seen something like this:

There is something so awesome about passing a milemarker, even if you're not that close to the finishline. It keeps you movin' and it's always nice to have an excuse to take a little breather, reset, refocus, and prepare for the next leg of the race (I say that like I actually ever run on purpose, did any of you fall for that?) I am loving checking these short but intense five-week courses off my list one at a time. Just knowing that some progress has been made gives me hope to keep on running. Making it to Christmas break feels just plain amazing.

I'm super happy that I have some time to kick back and enjoy the Christmas season with my family. I intend to be purposefully present this year- I'm leaving the gift giving frenzy to people with more time and money than I have, and settling for less under the tree in exchange for richer memories. I don't want to focus so much on the trying to push the pace that I miss the good stuff along the way.

The thing is, though sometimes it feels like I'm on a slow pace uphill in regard to my schooling, my kids are picking up speed. The boy is preparing for his second semester of his JUNIOR YEAR and the girls are already on the better side of the awkward twelves. My conversations with my son are often about careers and college and making all those big life choices. My daughters are amazing me with their new, more mature selves (inside and out) and how gracefully they're handling all the changes they're facing. I keep watching milestone after milestone whiz by and realizing that it won't be long before all three start running their own race.

Although that could sound a little melancholy for a post that began with the Peanuts Gang doing the happy dance, I have to say that I don't really feel all that sad at all. Though part of me would like to keep them all close, there's something about this that just feels right. It's right that they are growing up, it's right that they are becoming more independent, making plans and choices independent of mine, it's right that they are becoming the people that God created them to be... this is what I've been praying for all along. How could I ask for anything more? All this time I spend with these guys, all I've invested... it's not for me to keep for myself, it's to turn over to God for him to use for his Glory. If my children, by His grace, run up ahead of me- I shouldn't be sad that they're out of my control as long as they're headed on the path that God has placed before them. The more I realize that these kids aren't mine to keep as trophies, the more enthusiastically I'll be able to cheer them on when it's my time to watch from the sidelines.

And so, I'll wind up this all-too-wordy-extra-rusty-way-too-out-of-practice blog post with this scripture and a promise to not be a stranger... I intend to stop by this spot often over this break, and I hope to see you here- it feels great to be back- even for a few weeks.

Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless.

Philippians 2:16

love to all,

Checking In.

2011-11-27T07:47:00.001-08:00

Hello, Friends!

This week held an unexpected surprise... no school for the kids... AND ME! It took me an entire 7 days to stop thinking that I should be working on homework or studying or something, just in time to return tomorrow, haha. Isn't that how it always goes?

Though I've allowed no time for hobbies- (reading for pleasure, blogging, socializing , laundry) over the last (how many has it been? 11?) months as I wandered back into Academia, I can honestly report that it hasn't been as horrid as I feared. I've been forced to be purposeful with my schedule and carve out really deep quality time with my children and husband. I've found myself more disciplined with my minutes and enjoying the simple things a whole lot more. Homework is hard, but so far (by God's grace) I've been able to keep great grades and still stay closely connected to the people in my home... which has to be enough for now. I've learned a million things that I can't wait to hash out on the blog as soon as I am able to come back here for real. God is amazing, ya'll- and He's been next to me through this whole journey. The story is just building in my mind- I am anxious to type it all out for you, friends!

This month, I've had the pleasure of listing something I'm thankful for every day of November as my first post of the day of Facebook. It's a great practice, and I'm thinking of stretching it out a little because of the effect it is having on my outlook each day. Today, I am thanking God for you, my bloggy friends- for even though I've had to lay this little project aside for this season, you are never far from my heart. It's impossible (especially right now with my rusty blogging skillz) for me to express how much this community means to me. The friends I've made here, the perspective, the encouragement, the pure joy and honor of forming these hard-to-explain-to-the-nonblogging-world relationships are nothing but blessing to me. I miss you guys, and I can't wait until the day when I can return here.

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.

Philippians 1:3 NLT

HisGirl

Twenty.

2011-08-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

Twenty years ago, I married my superhero. I still love the guy- in fact, I think I love him more every year. That's quite a cause for celebration!

This evening, someone asked me why I think we've been able to make it when so many people bail out of marriage before they make it to their 20 year anniversary. I told him the truth- it's all Jesus. If not for the grace of God, there is no way we would be able to survive. I am not going to say it's always easy- but it certainly has been FAR from being always difficult. We've laughed, loved, and learned along the way. In honor of our Twenty Year Anniversary, Jason and I are sharing 20 lessons we've discovered over the last two decades:

Put Jesus first.
Hold hands.
Keep accountability- no spending time alone with the opposite sex.
Celebrate anniversaries! Really celebrate!
Treat marriage like a covenant- not a contract. This is 'til death- not 'til I feel like you're not holding up your end of the bargain.
Stay on the same team- never let the kids know they outnumber you
Go on dates without the kids. often.
Find hobbies you enjoy doing together- and some that you enjoy doing separately.
Admit when you're wrong. Apologize.
Forgive.
Attend Church together. Make the time.
Spend time with friends who support your marriage- who won't let you rip on your spouse for too long, and who encourage you to love your spouse more, and to spend time with your family.
Discuss all big purchases with each other.
Remember that even a quick text can let the other know you are thinking of them
Consider the needs of your spouse above your own.
Be grateful- tell God AND your spouse how thankful you are for him/her
Don't pray that God will change your spouse- pray that He'll change your heart so either you'll be ready for a changed spouse or content with what is.
Wear attractive pajamas. Bedtime is no time to be looking your worst. There are plenty of comfy jammies that don't look like they belong on a child, an elf, the 'donate' pile, or your great-grandmother.
Say "I love you" every day- no exceptions.
Kiss. Often.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:31-33

anniversary shots from days of yore

I'm sure I could come up with a wittier, more romantic post if I really tried, but I am beat, exhausted, soooo tired. If you are so inclined, you can see more anniversary posts here:

16th anniversary 17th anniversary 18th anniversary 19th anniversary

Waves

2011-08-03T16:20:00.000-07:00

a similar scene, several years ago.

My kids and I slipped out for a quick trip to the beach this morning. It was really nice to be able to hang with my peeps a little before I head in to work tonight.

In sharp contrast to the weather in my hometown (a blistering one hundred and a million degrees) it was downright chilly on the seashore today. I sat in a chair and watched my girls as they tried to wade into the icy ocean, jumping over waves and dodging incoming seaweed.

For a short time, the waves got a little more aggressive. From my seat I could see the whitecapped waves rolling toward my tall, lanky daughters... at first they were standing confidently, but as the bursts kept hitting them, they became less sure on their feet. Finally, I was getting ready to go on out and tell them to come closer to shore.

Just as I started to stand, I noticed the girls inched closer to one another. Their arms extended one toward another and they grasped hands. Suddenly, they were steady. They were able to stand firm, facing the waves, and before long I could see them laughing and jumping.

It reminded me how fortunate I am to have been given 'brothers and sisters' to face the waves with. Just knowing that they are there for me when I am feeling unsure and unsteady is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Those waves, they are nasty. They want to knock us down, and drag us off into the deep, but we don't have to be afraid.

And you know why? 'Cause God sent us everything we need- including each other. We can reach out, hold hands, and even when the sand is shifting under our feet, we can steady one another- reminding ourselves about the good things that are happening, the blessings we share, and the hope of Jesus that never wavers. We can laugh together, we can lend a listening ear, and we can hold each other up.

When times get rough, there's always going to be people who seem to enjoy the drama. Let's not focus on them. Let's gather in tighter, closer, let's clasp hands in prayer... and let's praise God in unison- for these waves are no match for the Creator of the mountains and the seas!!!

You rule the oceans.
You subdue their storm-tossed waves.
You crushed the great sea monster.
You scattered your enemies with your mighty arm.

Psalm 89:9-10

There are “friends” who destroy each other,
but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

An idea

2011-08-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 5:29-32

I love social media. It's given me so many opportunities to connect with people I otherwise might not even know. And the re-connections! To see how my childhood friends have grown and blossomed has been nothing but a blessing.

There's one feature I would like to build in, though- something that Christians could have installed on their accounts as a safeguard: a passion-delay option. When someone's feeling especially riled up, it would be great for a little screen to pop up with the following questions before they change their status:

Did you pray about this?
Are you being kind? Even to your enemies?
Are you helping the situation?
Are you sure this is true?
If an unbeliever reads this, will it draw them to Christ?
What is your honest motivation?
Is this truly a prayer request, or is this an attempt to find a loophole big enough to slip gossip through?
Are your words causing unity or division?
Would this be better leftunsaid?
Is anyone going to be hurt or stumbled by this?
Who will benefit from this post?
Would this be better said privately?
Are you SURE you don't want to cool down before you post this?

Wouldn't it be nice if this feature existed? Wouldn't it be nice if everyone used it?

It makes me cringe when I see someone I love post remarks on FB or Twitter that are clearly meant to be a barb at someone else I love. Do they realize the rocks they throw hit other people in the crossfire? Are they aware of the pain they're causing? Do they worry that the world is watching us tear each other apart? I can't know.

Here's what I do know- it's making me much more aware of the words I use in social media. When I feel compelled to complain about service in a store, I am going to remember that it's someone's livelihood. When I want to insult a person's outfit, I'm going to remember that the wearer is someone's child. When I feel compelled to take a stab at someone's church leadership, I am going to remember the congregants. If I wanna say something about a celebrity or politician, I'm going to remember that person has a mother, a child, or a spouse who loves them. Above all, I'm going to try to be really mindful of the fact that Christ died for all sinners, not just me.

I can't control what other people write, but I can be more careful about what I write. Will you join me in an effort to make social media a brighter place?

May God bless us all.

Dehydration

2011-07-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

I had the honor of going to camp with our elementary school aged kids in June. I love camp... and so, even though it was ridiculous for me to go up on a mountain while I was already busy trying to balance planning VBS and my college studies and all of well... life, I jumped at the opportunity to head out with a few dozen kids, some awesome volunteers, and my dear sweet friend and co-worker, Julie.

In my life, I have had the blessing of going to several types of camps- school, church, scout... each of them is unique in their own way, but there are some things that always seem to happen:

for sure, at least one of the boy's cabins smells so badly of dirt, unwashed children, broken wind, dirty socks, and sweat that the door has to be left open (because the threat of a bear walking in is preferable to living with the stench)
early morning, the adults will inevitably line up like zombified toy soldiers, waiting with bated breath for the coffee maker to turn out its first batch.
we will for certain find a child with some sort of contraband- a cellphone, ipod, pocketknife, or a bunch of medications that weren't checked in with the nurse
and beyond a shadow of a doubt one of the kids will come to us, wanting to go home because they feel "sick"...

When the children come to us saying they are sick- we first make sure they're not just homesick (this is usually cured by just refocusing on how much fun they are having at camp), we make sure they've been to the potty recently (sometimes they get so busy they forget to take care of some bizness), and we get them to drink a lot, lot, lot of water.

Now, once we've ruled out the first two things, it's a pretty sure bet that the child is dehydrated. They never, ever think that's the case. They will argue with us that they have been drinking water the whole time, that they must have eaten something, caught a bug, have the flu, or that they need to go home. It's really hard to convince a child that their bellyache or fatigue is dehydration.

Eventually, though, we'll talk them into taking a few sips of Gatorade. Almost like magic, the color will return to his/her face, they will perk up, and they will tell us they feel much, much better. After about 20 minutes the child will be better than new, and ready to get up and head out to all the fun activities that are planned for them.

This last time it occurred to me that I am often like the stubborn camp kid who will not admit that she is parched. What? I'll ask- I have been reading the Bible everyday! I can't possibly be spiritually dehydrated! It must be something else, someone else must be to blame! But the truth is, if I'm feeling emotionally drained, physically exhausted, spiritually yukky, it's hardly ever what I think it is. It must be my circumstances! It's probably that other people are making me sick! I must need a (fill in the blank here--- piece of chocolate, a new diet, a new purse, a new home, a vacation....whatever) and THEN I will feel better!

But what I don't want to admit is that I am running dry. The thing about camp (in our area, anyway) is that it is almost always in the mountains... in a much higher altitude. When you're up high like that and you're much more active than usual, thirst comes faster. And the amount of H2O that used to sustain you just isn't enough... in fact, you have to drink several times the normal amount of water you normally drink.

You see, when we are up on God's elevation we need to realize that a simple glance at the scriptures and a halfhearted prayer are not going to be enough to sustain us. When we are serving God, ministering to others, going through difficulties, raising up families, making life changes, we need more than just a few seconds with God everyday. We need several times our normal amount of time with God.

For me, that means I am going to have to start going to bed earlier so I can wake up more easily. I need to not check Facebook before I check in with God. I need to start keeping scripture cards in my purse again, I need to stop making phone calls in the car and go back to listening to sermons while I commute. I need to just drink in the Living Water because frankly, my friends, I am not only at a different elevation, but I am in a seriously rough season. The climate is dry and scorching. I am tired and weary and feeling "sick" because I am dehydrating. My thirst is not going to be quenched from any other source but by the Word of God.

I love how God shows up in everyday life, don't you?

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”

John 4:13-14 nlt

Ketchup ... On a Roll

2011-06-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

What? Three posts in a WEEK? I'm on a ROLL! Can I get a what? what?

No, of course not. I can't pull that off. I know this... but thanks for humoring me.

I'm still in a rather jubilant during my week off of school, and there's no time like the present to catch up on the good junk which made up last month. Behold, the sweetened, condensed version:

MAY

May had considerably less travel, but still a buncha fun!

My son turned 16. WHICH IS AMAZING SINCE I AM PRETTY SURE I WAS JUST 16 MYSELF! We decided to invest in our kiddo and spring for him and his friends to go play paintball. I had such a good time getting to know all his friends! Maybe you're not like me, but I have always been a little bit anti-teenager. I have been jaded by their smart mouths and disrespectful attitudes... but these kids? Not a punk among them. They were smart and funny and so much fun. I would love to do more stuff with them like that-- such cool kids. And I have to say, so far... 16 has been a great age for my boy. He's really turning into an amazing young man. Love that kid.

I have one more exciting tale to tell before school starts back tomorrow! This one is a FUN one!

I got a message a while ago from the husband of my bestie, Judi (Sing 4 Joy). He was offering to fly me out to TX to surprise his wife. At first I thought there was no way I could squeeze it in- too much homework, VBS coming up, and I'd already been gone waaaay too much recently. But, my husband told me that I just couldn't miss the opportunity, and I was able to get the days off of work, and I found a tiiiiiny little window of opportunity.......

So, we hatched a plan- Charlie (that's MR. Sing 4 Joy) would come pick me up from the airport, and I would drop in on Judi at the family-owned laundromat she'd be working at and surprise her socks off!

It ended up that Charlie couldn't pick me up, so he sent their darling 18-year-old daughter, A to come greet me at the airport. Along the way, Charlie sent A a text asking if she was taking me to the laundromat... but accidentally sent it to JUDI!!! We thought the cat was out of the bag, but he was able to play it off well enough so that when a strange lady with no laundry, wearing a baseball hat and sunglasses (me!!) came into the 'mat, and walked right into their public restroom... S4J was a little rattled. She told me later that she thought I was hiding drugs in there! When I came out, she looked right at me- and then started screaming and jumping up and down! It was so awesome!

We spent a few days together- just hanging out and doing what we always do- taking inventory of our lives and encouraging one another to follow Christ well. It was beautiful! I am so grateful we both got to marry such amazing men who love us just right!!!

We also got to meet up with a friend we made YEARS ago on the blog- JENN! We had such a delightful time chatting her up and shopping around some old shops in TX. She's so beautiful and lovely, and I was just beyond blessed to be able to see her. (I should mention that in this shot we're sitting in the dark because the power went out!)

There's more stuff, like finishing my World Music Class (with an A!) at the community college, finishing my first class in Big Girl College (with another A!) and starting a new Philosophy class, but overall, I think that's enough Ketchup for now.

Thank you for your patience-- hopefully, I'll be back and hanging out with you guys over on your blogs and over here soon. This craziness... it's a season... and I just can't wait to see what happens next!

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

Ecclesiastes 3:1

love to all,

Ketchup, Catsup, Catching Up...

2011-06-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

I've been enjoying my week off of school so much! So much has been happening since I've been on my bloggy hiatus... here's a quickie recap to get us all caught up:

APRIL

I got to go celebrate with my friend Malinda as she got a very prestigious award at a ceremony in AZ:

I also was invited to speak at a children's ministry conference in my old hometown. God TOTALLY SHOWED UP! It was so amazing! I also got to go wander around a little bit in my old neighborhood since it was in the same town. I even got to walk around the park where I spent lots of time as a child:

My family and friends wore Dodger Blue in honor of my Grandfather at his memorial service:

Oh! I also celebrated my ~~19th~~... um, ~~29th~~... I mean 39th birthday! I was spoiled beyond reason and thoroughly enjoyed the entire week!

Near the end of the month I traveled to GA with the RK team for a conference & some fun sightseeing:

Somewhere in there we celebrated my favorite holiday, Easter... I continued with my community college class, and began the 'big girl' college program. I also got to teach a buncha fun workshops and worked my regular job. It was a busy, but amazing month. I learned a lot of lessons about how to spend quality & quantity time with my kids and husband. Was difficult, but totally worth it!

Apparently, April was fuller than I thought... guess I'll have to pick up on May tomorrow!

Blessed be the Lord,

Who daily loads us with benefits,

The God of our salvation! Selah

Psalm 68:19

Love to all,

Foxhole

2011-05-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

fox·hole/ˈfäksˌhōl/Noun

1. A hole in the ground used as a shelter against enemy fire or as a firing point.

2. A place of refuge or concealment

Okay if I jump in here with you guys for a minute? Apparently, I have a WHOLE WEEK off of school for the first time since January and I just need a little taste of luxury and, frankly... a little break. The first thing I thought of (I mean, besides sleeping all week long) is to come on over here and say hello. I'm not sure if there's anyone even reading anymore, but there's a certain sense of comfort that comes from typing into this little box, sorting out my thoughts, and imagining we're all sitting in Adirondack chairs and chatting about what God's been doing in our lives since the last time we were together.

For a minute, all is calm- there's no homework, no discussion questions, no tests to study for, no papers to write... it's a school holiday, so there's no carpool... it's a work holiday, so there's no desk to go to... my housekeeper comes today, so there's not even housework to be done (besides hanging up all the clothes I never seem to but back in the closet after rejecting them in the mornings) my children and husband are sleeping in today, so there's no desperately trying to spend time with them so they don't feel abandoned by their wife/mother as she tries to juggle work and school and life...

And yes, I'm pretty clear that this is more like a foxhole than a Cape Cod shore, but before I jump out in the fray again, it feels good to just breathe...

I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;

I will trust in the shelter of Your wings. Selah

Psalm 61:4

here.

2011-03-31T21:45:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to let anyone who still is reading out there that I have not fallen off the map. I'm just working toward the "new normal" (life as a wife-mommy-friend-ministry worker-Bible study writer-preschool consultant-college student) and once all the big pieces get put in, I'll be able to find were blogging fits in. I just know it.

love to all.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,

and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:33

Remembering.

2011-03-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

I have a very vivid memory of sitting in school one day, early in my elementary career, the Friday before Father's day.

"Today," our teacher said, "we are going to make cards to tell our Daddies the things we love about them."
I rose my hand- "What if you don't have a Daddy?"
"Everyone has a father somewhere."
"I don't know where he lives." (I could feel the tears starting to well up)
"I'm sure your mom can mail the card to where he is..."
"But I don't know what I love about my Dad." (now my voice was cracking)
"Do you have an uncle?"
"No"
"A grandfather?"
"Yes!"
"Do you know what you love about him?"
"YES!"
"Then I suppose you can make your card for him."

And thus began the realization for me that I wasn't the girl who didn't have a father on Father's day... I was the girl who had a GRANDfather to celebrate!

My grandfather, known as Bud to one and all, was one of those rare men who was able to step in and be a hero without expecting anything in return. Listing the things I love about him is easy as could be...

When I was young, the best thing in the world was to sit in the 'cuddle rocker' with my Grandpa and listen to him read. He didn't read like an ordinary person. No, that would never do. He would read books like 'Rootie Kazootie' and 'Uncle Remus' and 'Grandpa Bunny Bunny' using voices and inflections that I can still hear in my heart when I close my eyes. When he'd finish reading he'd say in his distinctly gravelly voice- 'Okay, Amber Dawn... time to climb up the wooden hill' (for those of you who are unfamiliar with the phrase, that means it's bedtime)

This would be my cue to instantly fall asleep. If I could fake it well enough, he'd gather me in his strong arms and carry me up to bed. I can right now smell his sweater, feel the stubble of his 5 o'clock shadow, hear the shuffle of his shoes as he walked up the yellow shag carpet-covered stairway, carrying me in his strong arms. I can honestly say I have no memory of my childhood when I felt safer than I did in those moments. Into my bed he'd gently put me, the bed that used to be my mom's, and pull the covers up to my chin. I'd feel the whiskers again as he kissed my forehead, said goodnight, clicked off the light, and went back down the stairs to finish reading his paper, watch the end of a Dodger game, or whatever heroes do after their granddaughters fall asleep.

G'night Grandpa....

I love you

Sing praises to God and to his name!
Sing loud praises to him who rides the clouds.

His name is the Lord—

rejoice in his presence!

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—

this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.

Psalm 68:4-6

Good Grief.

2011-03-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

My Gramps passed away peacefully in his sleep on Sunday morning.

It's been a funky couple of days. Yesterday, I was uncannily composed. I wanted to be there for my mom and I wanted to make sure the things that needed to be done yesterday were taken care of. I felt the sad lurking, but only shed a tear or two as I went throughout the day, surrounded by prayers and people I love. This lasted for hours and hours and hours.

Until I crawled into bed well after midnight, exhausted and weary (are those the same thing? Too tired to remember) and felt this bubble rise up from my chest and with it came deep, hiccuppy sobs of grief and sadness. It suddenly occurred to me that my Grandfather was gone.

I suppose I'll never really know on this earth if he's waiting for me in heaven, but I take peace in the fact that God is a very fair God, that He loves my grandpa even more than I do, and that Gramps was given every fair chance imaginable. My grandfather stopped struggling a few days ago, the furrowed brow and the fist shaking stopped, and he looked at peace Saturday night when I last saw him. I am taking that as a sign that he finally reconciled whatever he needed to do and that now he is hanging with Jesus. That makes me happy.

Right now, I keep finding myself feeling deep grief for maybe the very first time in my life. Tears keep welling up inside, and I feel like I'm having an everlasting asthma attack. Then, I'm fine. I keep smiling when I remember the cool things about this man who gladly stepped in as a father for my mom and then stepped up to be my father figure when he was needed for that role. I want to tell you all those stories, but when I go to write them down I feel sad and incapable of finding any words. When I busy myself with the next thing the sad goes away. Today in his apartment, I kept thinking I wanted to ask Grandpa about something and when I'd realize he wasn't coming, I'd get all funky again. In and out. Up and down. Sad and less sad. This is an altogether unfamiliar feeling to me and I feel like I'm just riding the waves, unable to control where I go next, but trusting that God understands mourning and will pull me out before I go in over my head. I feel peace and comfort and love within the grief and I wonder how people do this without Jesus.

I'm trying to set my self to writing his obituary, but I think first I need to just let my heart settle a little more. For now, I think I'll just share with you a couple of the treasures I found among his things this morning:

Thank you all for your prayers. God's such an amazing Comforter. I can ask for no more.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

2 Cor 1:3-4

Congratulations and Welcome.

2011-03-12T14:50:00.000-08:00

Look what just came in the mail!!!
I feel about 17 years old today.
   (and also 117)
Excited.
   (and petrified)
Overwhelmed.
   (and hopeful)
Confident in the grace of Jesus
   (and certain that this is absolute madness)
Apparently, God doesn't mess around when you say 'I'll go where you send me...'
Now it's time to put my money where my mouth is.

Back to school I go.

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am. Send me."

Isaiah 6:8

wrestling

2011-03-09T22:56:00.000-08:00

my grandfather is dying.

not in the sense that we are all in the process of dying... someday.

he's in the process of dying right this minute.

i just went to go visit him-

it was heartbreaking.

watching the only father figure i ever knew like this.

he has stubbornly refused to submit to God his whole 90 year life.

and now?

he's pale and yellowed and thin and old and instead of resting-

he's wrestling.

'i hate that guy' he mutters as he tosses in his bed.

'i don't like him' he shouts to nobody in particular.

'who is it?' he asks- 'he's a son of a b****'

mom and i tell him that he can tell that evil guy to go away.

'GO AWAY' he shouts and shakes his fist.

mom tells him he can go to Jesus instead.

he smiles a little and then says nothing for a minute.

my mom and i pray for his soul.

i pray for my mom.

we are resting in the fact that God wants not one of his people to perish.

we realize that this time of wrestling is likely more than we know.

as he literally wraps his hand around his own throat it's easy to imagine

that he's spiritually trying to war against his own flesh.

i don't know for sure.

but i know God loves my grandpa more than i do.

and i know God is giving him every last chance to surrender.

i hope he will.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Ephesians 6:12-13

God Knows... Backpacking through Joshua Week 6

2011-02-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

*note: this marks the end of our first quarter in our online virtual Bible study. It also marks the open enrollment for the second quarter of the study. If you are interested, you can find out more information here: www.backpackingthroughjoshua.blogspot.com

aw, man.

my life looks ridiculous right now. actually, it looks hilarious.

well, at least to me.

I know there will be lots of people who won't be laughing when they hear my current undertakings. They will judge and tsk me behind my back. To my face they'll say 'I don't know how you do it' which is french for 'You are a crazy nutjob with messed up priorities.' They'll tell me I am overdoing it, and if I get ill they will say that my schedule, not germs are what are the cause. I know. Other people miss calls or forget to answer texts, but if I miss one, it's because I do do too much.

and I'd love to tell you that's fine if that's what they want to do,it doesn't bother me- but if I'm going to be perfectly honest with you...

I hate it.

I hate clenching my teeth and biting my tongue and trying not to defend myself. I hate that I feel confident that God is telling me to do what I'm doing until I get greeted by the tsk'rs and then the self doubt starts creeping in. I hate that they can't see how it all makes perfect sense.

until it occurs to me that it makes no sense at all.

here's a condensed version to my current lifeprojects:

maintaining a marriage that's approaching it's 20th year
caring for 3 kids-- two tweens and a student driver
keeping a home that is filled with the above and 3 pets
working part time on staff at my church
enjoying the company of amazing friends
writing a Bible study
consulting for 3 schools
writing a school newsletter
speaking at 6 upcoming conferences/MOPS meetings/schools
writing an online Bible study for 60 +/- women
attending school at the local community college
and the newest...

(trumpets, please)

registering for 'big girl' college-come spring, I'll be officially enrolled in the Bachelor program at a private Christian college.

Like Joshua, circling around a wall, trusting that it will fall down with a shout, I am doing something crazy right now. Of course not everybody understands it. I don't understand it myself. I don't have time to do this right now. I don't have money to do this right now. I don't even NEED to do this right now for my job or career or anything. But the truth is, at least half of the things on the list above, I wouldn't be doing if it weren't because God told me to do them. (more than half on certain days *cough, cough stinking teenagers, cough cough*) And each thing that added I thought, 'I cannot even imagine one scenario in which this is going to work- I just don't see it'

and here's the kicker that made me try them anyway...

I DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT!

I am following an omniscient God. Do you know what that means? It means HE KNOWS STUFF!!! In fact... HE KNOWS EVERYTHING!!! So why on earth would I follow my own plans that, even with my powers to think things out to the nth degree, are limited at best? Why wouldn't I follow the Guy who has already seen my life through, knows the outcome of any choice I could possibly make, and thinks this path is the one I should take? If God says I should Go to BigGirlCollege, who am I to say it won't work? Why would he tell me to so something that is bad for me?

Any more than I would tell my children to run with scissors, quit doing homework, drink and drive, and take up smoking.

So, like the rest of the study, I'm realizing how important it is that I have an accurate picture of who God is in my heart. Knowing who Jesus is turns out to be the only thing that can really change my behavior. It's the only thing that can help me trust, obey, follow, endure... it's the only thing that can help me press on when something makes no sense. It's the only thing that can make me not worry what others think.

Because God is omnicient, I'm honored to look ridiculous to the world in order to look obedient to my God.

Now, would someone please save the link to this post to send me when I lose my mind and start to think going to BigGirlCollege is too ridiculous?

thanks!

So the Lord was with Joshua, and his reputation spread throughout the land.

Joshua 6:27

Holy, Holy is He - Backpacking Through Joshua Week 5

2011-02-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

This week we read through the 5th chapter of Joshua- an intriguing story in which God tells Joshua to gather up all the men for a little ribbon cutting ceremony.

minus the ribbon.

yikes!

It was a pretty extreme statement. The men who obeyed were essentially saying "I so trust God, it's so important that I be identified as a member of God's family, it's such a priority for me to obey God's every command, I so revere God's Holiness, that I will endure anything... pain. humiliation. being different. anything."

(I imagine they were saying a few more things than that, but for the purposes of application and keeping a pg rating on my blog, I'll move on...)

In my opinion, Christians today are constantly faced with the risk of pain, humiliation,and being different- but not just from the obvious source. I think many of us are prepared for the fight against the world. We knew that 'they' wouldn't understand. The thing that surprises me is the war within the Christian community. I have been accused (in a roundabout way, never directly) of being both not 'Christian enough' and 'Too Christian.' The 'not Christian enough' side has been around since I can remember, but the 'too Christian' thing from fellow believers lately is really unsettling.

Yes, I agree, there are some hateful FREAKOS out there. I have cringed many times as I've witnessed people behave horribly in the name of Christ. Being militant and harsh and hateful is clearly wrong. I also agree with Kim, who has experienced people who wear their 'righteousness' like a badge of honor- proudly and obsessively waving their own homemade 'thou shalt nots' in an effort to promote shame, inferiority or whatnot in others who are not living as 'holy' as they are.

But what's killing me right now is the trend of even Christian leadership being so afraid of looking like one of those freakos that they are over-correcting... big time. 'As long as you love everybody, it doesn't matter what you do.' and 'You concern yourself with your sin and let everyone else do what feels right to them' 'I don't want to be legalistic' and 'I don't want to be so heavenly minded that we're no earthly good' seem to be our new anthems. Issues that were formerly black and white are downgrading to a weak shade of grey.

Satan, from the original sin, has been whispering in people's ears that God's rules are really not that important. I think that he's cracking up with glee each time we justify sin because we don't want to be 'legalistic.' Yes, Jesus was clear that loving God and loving others were His top two commandments. But Paul and the other writers of the New Testament spend page after page telling Christians how to behave and be set apart... so that among a world filled with liars, adulterers, drunkards, fornicators, users of foul language and idolaters, the people who are following God can be easily found.

Not for bragging rights...
Not to earn one's way into heaven...
Not to impress others...

But so our light would so shine,
That people would see our good works
And glorify our Father in heaven (Matt 5:16)

If we are hanging around the darkness, if we are exercising our liberty to the point of abuse, if we are justifying our sins by not wanting to be extremists, how are people going to see God for who He is? How will they know we serve a Holy God if our behavior is unholy?

It IS important that we love one another. It is the MOST important thing. In fact, it's equal, Jesus says, to loving God. But one way that we can show our love to each other and to God is to keep His commands. (John 14) Our Holy, amazing, perfect God deserves our reverence, respect, and obedience. And here's the cool part- we don't have to do this on our own! He's given us the Holy Spirit to help us live in a way that glorifies God. Why wouldn't we want to be set apart for our Holy God? Our hearts need to be right so that we will willingly circumcise anything from our lives that would not be pleasing to Him.

Even if it hurts. Even if it's humiliating. Even if it separates us from the crowd...

The Jewish ceremony of circumcision has value only if you obey God’s law. But if you don’t obey God’s law, you are no better off than an uncircumcised Gentile .....For you are not a true Jew just because you were born of Jewish parents or because you have gone through the ceremony of circumcision. No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by God’s Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.

Romans 2:25, 28-29

Unchanging. Backpacking Through Joshua Week 4

2011-02-02T12:59:00.000-08:00

I've been arguing a lot with my son lately.

He's nearing 16 years old, and the other day I likened parenting him to taking my beagle on a walk. Sydney Bristow the Beagle is the WORST... she pulls and chokes herself and runs ahead of me. If she'd just relax and stop resisting the leash, we could go more places. But because she is so awful, we spend most of the time trying to establish who's the boss and then we return home, both exhausted and weary, and me just.plain.mad.

yeah, it's like that.

So, the other day was particularly rough. Finally, in sheer desperation, (not my finest moment)I approached him:

Me: Dude, it's been a long day. I need some nice words from you...
Him: what do you want me to say?
Me: Tell me you love me....
Him: I love you, Mom.
Me: Awesome. Tell me I am pretty...
Him: You are very pretty, Mom.
Me: Thank you. Tell me I am smart...
Him: ........
Me: Come on!
Him: Well, you're smart about SOME things.
Me: aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

Here's the sad reality. The kid genuinely believes that I am not smart. He is truly, honestly, completely convinced that I am so dumb that following my direction would lead to a life of pain, frustration, and oppression.

What kills me is that, though I have my ups and downs, our history proves that I have made wise decisions for my children. My son has benefited from my advice for his entire life- he's been kept alive, succeeded in school, and had his needs provided for. And not that I want to be all 'toot my own horn' girl, but my life story should speak to the fact that I'm not completely daft. I hold a job, have an education, maintain friendships... I can go on and on but the long and the short of it is this: I KNOW STUFF, YO.

(I feel so much like I'm setting myself up for a humbling, but stick with me, I'm going somewhere)

So, as I was venting about this to a friend yesterday, I saw a little lightbulb go off as I was talking-

I don't understand why the kid all of a sudden thinks I am dumb and want horrible things for him!
I'm the same mom who has only ever done things for him that will help him because I love him! What happened to the little boy who used to think I was the smartest person in the world? How has he forgotten?

Then, I realized... when I pull against the will of God, it's because either I really AM an idiot or because I have lost sight of something... the unchanging nature of God. The same God who got me through THAT will get me through THIS. The same God who provided for THAT need will provide for this need. The same God who turned THAT into good will turn THIS to good. When I am beginning to rebel or despair it's because I have developed spiritual amnesia. I need to turn and remember that even though my circumstances peak and valley, my God never ever changes. If I need help remembering, I can look in my prayer journals, the scriptures I've painted on my walls, photos of the amazing events in my life, I can even scroll back on my blog.

So, from this, I figured out the secret to my son's arguing. I applied it and he hasn't argued with me since. He remembers now that I am the Mom who loves him, and there is no more rebellion in my house....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. oh, man. that's rich.

No, I haven't figured out the secret for that teen boy. I'm not sure it's something I'll ever really get. I did figure out one thing, though. I need to stop worrying about who my son thinks I am and start making sure He knows Who his God is. I am intentionally becoming more purposeful about pointing out things God has done in my life, in the history of our family, and in even his life. I am taking the time, also, to remember that the truth is that my boy is actually a cool kid... he's really not always a toad. He's smart and funny and helpful and good to me most of the time. I am actually proud of him, and full of hope that he will eventually think I am ... well, at least a little less dumb.

I remember your genuine faith, for you share the faith that first filled your grandmother Lois and your mother, Eunice. And I know that same faith continues strong in you.

2 Timothy 1:5

MIRL at 7000 Feet (or close, anyway)

2011-02-01T23:49:00.000-08:00

I was so busified telling you all about the cool work that God did at the ReGroup conference that I didn't get to tell you about the fringe benefit that I was able to enjoy!

Friends, let me introduce to you the AMAZING Meredith from Life at 7000 Feet, my amiga online for ~~I can't remember how long~~ at least 3 years. I got to Meet this girlie In Real Life on the last day of the conference:

I can't even begin to describe how much this visit meant to me... Meredith has been such a source of encouragement, a sisterly sounding board, an inspiration for intentional homemaking, and a godly example that when she picked me up at the Denver Airport I forgot for a minute that it was the first time I'd ever seen her in person.

Mer had to move heaven and earth to make the meetup happen- her family sacrificed on a buncha levels- and I was oh-so-grateful for their willingness to give up their wife, mother, and gift cards to support this. I know it wasn't easy, but I felt so loved and appreciated as we sat for what seemed like forever at a Mimi's cafe chatting easily, going from deep topic to light and back again.

What a treat it is to know that there are some people in this world who are every bit as genuine, beautiful, real, honest, funny, generous, and purposeful as they appear to be on the surface. Thank you, Meredith, for dropping everything to see the shivering SoCal girl IRL- hope someday you'll find yourself at 1400 feet someday... I'd love to return the blessing.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;

but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

Reward her for all she has done.

Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Proverbs 31:30-31

Following the Leader Part 3- Backpacking Through Joshua Week 3

2011-01-29T11:41:00.000-08:00

So yeah, I got in contact with the sweet people from Group, who (though the conference was completely full) found a spot for me to attend. Apparently, I was headed to Colorado for the ReGroup conference!

I packed my bags and jumped on a plane in the wee hours of Monday morning.

As soon as the ReGroup Leadership Conference began, we were asked to write down one of the words that start with 'Re' that we were praying that God would work in us for the week. I chose 'Rekindle' without really knowing why. You see, I am in a sweet spot in ministry right now. We went through a severe rough patch a year and a half ago, and now we are able to see what God was up to during the storm. I no longer have anxiety or angst when it comes to the area of ministry I am a part of so it was hard for me to focus on what it was that I 'needed.'

What I didn't know but realized over the course of the time that I spent there (besides learning LOTS of practical tips and meeting SUPER COOL new people) is that, though I had a great sense of relief and contentment from being a survivor of the 'indecent-that-shall-not-be-mentioned,'
I had lost something along the way... my spark.

I had been so focused on what God wanted to do in the team as He REpaired and REfurbished and REstored and REfreshed our ministry that I lost track of myself as an individual. Not that this was a bad thing... in fact, I think it was a season for that. But now I can clearly see that God is saying that within the team I have a specific role to do- and it's time to let him REkindle my passion for education and training and follow the path God had for me within the one we're on as a group.

God is very clear in His word that He has specific plans for each of us. He tells us those plans are for Good and not for evil. He tells us they're for a future and for a hope. That tells me this Promised Land- the life as a Christian who is following Christ- is somewhere I want to be..... and to get there, there is only one way...

I have to be willing to purify myself (put down the junk I think is important), listen to God (take the time to hear what He has to say instead of running up ahead), and step out in faith (do what we know He's asked me to do even when it isn't comfortable, logical, easy, or cheap) in order to make it across the river ... the thing that stands between me and the life that God has for me.

So, here's the long and the short of it:

An opportunity to follow God came up.

I hesitated because as I counted the cost, it seemed too much

until I held it up to:

a) the cost of not following God and

b) the price He paid so I could follow Him

because He is good...

and until

I decided to stop focusing on said cost

and started focusing on the fact that God is a great Leader

who leads me to still waters and green pastures...

and who would never lead me anywhere

that wasn't good

because He is Good

and then I followed.

and I was glad.

because He is Good.

The Lord is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
      He leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
   He guides me along right paths,
      bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
      through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever.

Psalm 23

Following the Leader- PART 2 Backpacking Through Joshua Week 3

2011-01-26T06:47:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, where was I? Oh yes... the door closed on being sent to the conference but I still felt like God was nudging me to go. Okay, maybe nudging isn't the right word. Maybe it would be better to say... urging. Like, with urgency. I started counting the cost to see if it was even a possibility....
Then, I had a conversation with a really amazing, Godly friend. "I feel confident," she said to me "that you are supposed to go to this conference. In fact, I am so sure, that if you are willing to go, I will pay for your plane fare."
I teared up. My first instinct was to refuse. I am not in the habit of letting my friends pay for plane tickets (although, now that I think of it, that would be a great habit to have! Who wants to support that habit? hehe) but I felt like it was God's way of saying 'Follow Me. I will provide.' So, I totally booked the whole thing on the spot!

just kidding.

That's what I wish I did. Instead, I put out a couple of more fleeces. You know, laid out a couple of more tests for God to let me know He REALLY FOR SURE wanted me to go. Because apparently, for me, accelerated heart rate, confidence in my spirit, and free plane tickets are not enough.

So, I brought it to my ~~perpetually cheap~~ responsibly thrifty husband. This much for hotel, this much for the shuttle, this much for the conference, this much back in free product, this much for food, and a free plane ticket. This many days away from home, this confusion with carpooling, this many meals you'll have to fend for yourselves. I waited for the hesitation. I could barely stand the wait! I was just starting to add my next argument when he interrupted...

"yah, I think you need to go..."

oh boy.

At that point, I needed to have a little talk with myself... (the same self that was putting the finishing touches on the Backpacking Through Joshua's week 3 study in which we were looking at the characteristic of God being our Leader) and I realized that it was time to put my faith to the test...

Did I truly believe that God is my leader? 'Cause if I did... it wouldn't matter who I am (a bossy, bossy control freak) it would only matter who He is. Leaders lead. When people believe that a leader is a good leader, they don't question... they just trust. If I want to call God my leader, and if I want to say He is a good leader, then I need to follow.

not just when it's affordable.

not just when it's convienient,

not just when it's comfortable,

but EVERY TIME He leads....

so.... I booked the trip. for real this time.

more to follow..........

Then Joshua told the people, “Purify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do great wonders among you.”

Joshua 3:5

Following the Leader- PART 1 Backpacking Through Joshua Week 3

2011-01-25T06:20:00.000-08:00

Last month, I got an email from Group Publications. Group is a company that publishes fantastic ministry resources and is largely dedicated to supporting church leadership and volunteers... especially children and youth ministries. I subscribe to a daily email which I confess I am hit and miss for actually reading. But this time- for Who knows what reason- was different. I remember the moment. I was walking from the church coffee shop toward my office, I glanced at my phone, read the email and my heart started beating wildly! It was a tiny little church leadership conference- room for only 25 people- and I just KNEW that I was supposed to go. I didn't even know much about the conference... didn't have an itinerary or workshop descriptions... and despite my inner need for details, I just KNEW.

So, I ran into my office and told my Director the scoop. She agreed that it sounded great, and put it on the table as one of the choices for our team's annual conference trip. Yay! A possibility!

And then it started to become obvious that this was not the trip for our team. It was too soon, for one. To get 6 people mobilized and ready to go in 3 weeks was going to be a challenge. Plus, we had been praying about another conference that seemed to fit our team much better. *sigh* I had to admit that it wasn't God's will for our whole team to go.

Now I had something to really consider... I still felt like I was supposed to attend this event but the easy path was no longer an option. If I were to go now, it would come at a cost... financially- I'd have to fly to Colorado, rent a car, get a hotel, pay for the conference, feed myself for three days, take three days off of work, logistically- find a way to get my children tended to, run carpool, and all that good stuff and personally- I'm kind of socially awkward...traveling on my own is not a problem, but interacting with strangers for three days? eeeek. And still, I didn't know what to expect at the conference or why I would even need to go....why would I follow this path? I was in a pickle...

But God.

................to be continued

All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)

Ephesians 2:3-5

Worthy, Worthy, Worthy- Backpacking though Joshua Week 2

2011-01-19T12:16:00.000-08:00

This week my Fellow Backpackers and I are reading in Joshua 2 about how Rahab helped Joshua's spies because she had heard about how great their God was. We are focusing on the characteristic of God that He is Worthy. I am hoping that knowing God is WORTHY (deserving) of our good behavior and praises will compel me to live in a way that will cause others to want to praise Him. It reminds me of a story...

When my son was small and cute and in Tae Kwon Do, (now he is not small, not in Tae Kwon Do, and a different kind of cute) he had a really cool instructor who also happened to own the studio. Before one of their competitions, Mr. W had a very serious talk with the kids:

Can someone tell me what the patches on your backs say? Mr. W's Tae Kwon Do Studio, Sir.
That's right. Do you know what that means? No, Sir.
It means that you are competing not just for yourself, but for me. You are wearing your name on the front, but my name on your backs. Yes, Sir.
When people see you out there, behaving well, they will think 'That is one cool studio. Mr. W teaches his kids to play fair, to play well, and to be a good sport. I wish I was on Mr. W's team.'
If people see you performing or behaving badly, they won't just say, 'what a rotten kid'- they'll say Mr. W is not a very good teacher. He doesn't know how to control his kids. Why would I want to play on Mr. W's team?'
Now, I want to ask you. Am I a good teacher? Yes, Sir!
Have I taught you to play fair? to play well? to be a good sport? Yes, Sir!
Do I deserve a team that plays with honor? Yes, Sir!
So, even if you are treated badly, even if you are in a bad mood, even if you are scared, you will try your best, right? Yes, Sir!
And you aren't alone. If a judge is unfair, who will handle it? You will, sir!
If you get lost, who will help you? You will, Sir
Have I ever let you down? No, Sir!
Then I am expecting that you will say, Thank you Mr. W, for being a good teacher, not with your words, but with your actions. I would love to bring home lots of trophies today, but even more, I would like to have people think good things about our character.

and that's all I have to say about that.

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:1-6

Great is Thy Faithfulness- BTJ week 1

2011-01-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

I know that God is faithful.

I have seen it time and time and time again.

And yet?

Sometimes you can't tell by my behavior.

Like when I'm stressed about money and my husband says 'It's going to be fine.'
And I, ever the supportive, sweet wife spit through clenched teeth...
BASED ON WHAT? HOW DO YOU KNOW? ARE WE LOOKING AT THE SAME BILLS? I DON'T WANT A PEP RALLY, I WANT A PLAN!

Or this week as my son became a driver and I am tense with fear and trembling. How will he survive when he's a solo driver? I fret in my almost-asleep hours.

Or when I read about this sweet lady, the same age as me... who's been married the same amount of time as me... who is now fighting for her life and I am ....

actually, I truly am hopeful for her and for her family.

why the difference? because I am choosing to remember the faithfulness of God...

The same God who saved this sweet lady's family, the same God who led Joshua to the promised land, the same God who saved me from childhood sexual abuse... The same God who is consoling my friend Patty as she grieves for her son as the anniversary of his death approaches...He's got her in His hand-

His faithful, loving, outstretched hand.

Oh, that I would remember this always- even during the small moments like this morning when my car that I just got the transmission rebuilt for sputtered (and threatened to die) during carpool.

Remembering His faithfulness should be easy- especially as I'm reading story after story this morning from the discussion for the Backpacking Through Joshua Study. So, instead of freaking out about my small, insignificant car troubles, I'm writing out scriptures to carry with me lest I forget... and if panic or fear threatens me, I shall say out loud:

Great is Thy Faithfulness!

Leaping Lizards!

2011-01-06T09:30:00.000-08:00

In the world of 'Leaps of faith-ers' vs 'Look-before-you-leap-ers,' I am hands down more of a girl of the second variety. I like to know what I'm getting myself into... Always. I want to know the whos and whats and wheres and whys and whens and hows of every situation before I hit the 'go' button. I love DETAILS.

But following God doesn't work that way. As He grows our faith, He asks us to do things with fewer specifications than perhaps I would like. Instead of giving me an itinerary, He's been talking to me in single word commands... Go. Do. Risk. Leap.

*deep breath*

If I really want to call myself a follower of God, I have to be willing to sacrifice. I have to be willing to risk. I have to be willing to jump and trust that I will land safely.

Near the end of last year, I had a series of rapid-fire opportunities presented to me- they'd come while I was out living everyday life and then I wouldn't be able to shake them. As I'd chat with God about each one during my quiet time, then seek confirmation in His Word and with my husband, and with Godly friends, I would start sorting out the 'good ideas' from the 'God ideas.' Show me, God... I'd ask... open only the doors you'd have me walk through.

Now that it's January 2011, I'm having the opportunity to walk through those doors... I still don't have a lot of details, so it's becoming necessary to cross over insecurities and impossibilities and uncertainties and just Go. Do. Risk. Leap.

here's just a sample of the thrill ride that is my January 2011:

The 'little' Bible study that I wasn't sure I would have enough people to respond to starts tomorrow with 58 people participating online and 12 people in a live version in Texas! I have no idea how we're going to manage all those people, if the materials I've written will be sufficient, or what my role is supposed to be.

I start school on Friday, January 21st- I have no clue how I'm going to do as a student again, when I'll study, how I'll get homework done. Or even why the only class I could take from the list of requirement is titled something like Music from Around the World. What does that have to do with anything?

Though I still don't know where the financing is all coming from, or even why exactly I am supposed to go, I'm heading to a conference at the end of this month in obedience to God. I've been gifted with a plane ticket from someone who is stepping out in faith as well, and that paired with my mom's willingness to care for my crazy carpool schedule and my husband's blessing to go is giving the little boost I need... still? I have no idea what to expect...

So now what? I remember that though I am Going. Doing. Risking. Leaping.... I'm not doing any of it alone. I am being supported by family and friends who love me and who love God, and more importantly, I'm being carried by the Creator of the Universe. I'm not so much leaping as I am leaning.

and as far as the other unknowns? to that I say: details, shmetails.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Responsibility.

2010-12-28T23:43:00.000-08:00

I've probably said this a majillion times here on the blog, but I do truly believe that a person's best features are often their worst features. I think it's fair to say that I am a fairly responsible person. That's not always bad... you can pretty much assume that I will follow through on whatever I tell you I will do, I have never once not paid a bill, I will stay up 'til a hundred o'clock to make a deadline. It's a great quality.

On the other hand, I am also r.e.s.p.o.n.s.i.b.l.e. (if you're reading this out loud, say that word with your most exasperated tone, while rolling your eyes, and exhaling deeply) from the definition of the word that means 'thinks she is responsible for EVERYTHING.' It's not a pretty picture.

If I were to have a party at my house, I'd be really excited to have you all over. If you told me you couldn't come because you had a big meeting that day, I'd feel responsible for not scheduling it with you in mind. If I didn't invite your next door neighbor, and I heard that she was super sad for not being invited, I'd feel responsible for fixing that. If somebody said they couldn't make it at the last minute because they didn't have a sitter, I'd feel responsible for helping you find someone.

After you arrived, I would feel responsible for making sure everyone was having a great time. I'd walk around, trying to help the lonely find someone to chat with. I'd wander here and there until I discovered you'd all gotten what you needed, and that you were all comfortable, and then I'd relax until it was time to make sure everyone left on time and got home safely.

I'd love to think that this is a sign of me being a good person. But the painful truth is that this is a pride thing. Sadly, I fear more than anything else that people won't like me. They won't think I am good or kind or special, and then I will die. or, worse yet- What if I cause someone to stumble by not taking my responsibility seriously enough? I want more than anything else to leave that part of me in the past. I want to move forward and think more of God than I do of myself. I want to remember that I can 'just do my best and let God do the rest.'

It's not that I shouldn't take my part seriously - I absolutely should!- but it's important that I realize that IT'S NOT ALL MY PART or I will dissolve in a bundle of nerves and pressure.

Sometimes I have to say right out loud to stop the anxiety: I am not God. I am responsible only to do what God has told me to do. I am not in charge of other people's emotions, reactions, or choices. My job is not to please people, but to please God.

I'm re-learning this lesson again today. Many of you are signed up for the Backpacking Through Joshua study that starts on Jan 1. Today as I am going to bed, there are actually 42 people registered. Most of me is THRILLED! This is a pure answer to prayer, and a great honor and a huge

re.spons.si.bil.i.ty.

Oh dear. there it is again. That WORD! *smacks forehead*

I do not want to fear letting so many people down, people who are showing up expecting to see God. I do not want to let my longing to make people love me to control this study. Moreover, I do not want to get so freaked out about all these people and the responsibility attached that I get in the way of God.

I am praying now that God would help me to remember that it was my responsibility to write this study, but it's the Holy Spirit's job to teach it.

Will you please join me in prayer too, my friends?

If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

Romans 12:8

Tipping the Scales

2010-12-26T23:02:00.000-08:00

There are so many blessings in my life right now, I can barely count them.

And to be honest, there are a lot of bummers, too- also too numerous to count.

but for some reason, I feel so content and joyful.

If you were to hand me some sort of scale in which I could pile all my blessings on one side, and all my burdens on the other, I'm truly not sure which way the scales would tip at first:

I had an amazing Christmas- spent it with family and friends - BLESSING!

My Grandmother died- we weren't as close as I'd like (family issues) but she was always a sweet and loving lady and I missed saying goodbye to her by mere hours- BURDEN!

But the airlines refunded my plane tickets! BLESSING!

My church family worked together for lots of great Christmas services- BLESSING!

My car's transmission died! BURDEN!

It's on a pretty good week since the kids and I are on vacation! BLESSING!

It's going to cost a LOT OF MONEY! BURDEN!

But we have a nice warm house and lots of food in the pantry! BLESSING!

My kids are sick! BURDEN!

I have a new Silhouette machine! BLESSING!

My dog got Chocolate poisoning! BURDEN!

But she lived! BLESSING!

My dishwasher is dying! BURDEN!

...............

I could go on and on, but the point is ~~moo (you know, like a cow's opinion)~~ moot. Truth is that none of the burdens would even make the scale budge after we put in Jesus Loves Me right on the Blessings Side. A little perspective is sometimes just what one needs to be able to say they're blessed in the midst of a storm...

May your scales tip radically on the Blessings Side as you seek God this week...

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.

The Lord lifts up those who are weighed down.

The Lord loves the godly.

Psalm 146:8

oh, and come on over and sign up for our Backpacking Through Joshua Online Study this week- navigate the top buttons to find the sign up form.

Sneak Peek

2010-12-22T08:36:00.000-08:00

Still thinking about joining the study?

Here's a sneak peek: BACKPACKING THROUGH JOSHUA

Post Number FIVE HUNDRED

2010-12-05T23:53:00.000-08:00

I have had the hardest time deciding how to celebrate my 500th post. In fact, I've been so obsessed with making sure that I come up with the perfect idea that I have gotten frozen like a deer in headlights. I haven't been able to write ANYTHING because I still haven't come up with the ULTIMATE IDEA. Today I gave myself a very stern talking to and warned myself if I keep waiting for the perfect thing, my blog will just fizzle at a very anticlimactic 499 posts. boo hiss.

So, I'm just going to post. No bells, no whistles. No pomp, no circumstances. Just a second to let you all know how much I have appreciated all of you over the last 500 posts. I have loved your input, the relationships that have been formed, the words of advice, admonishment, and inspiration. I thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to work through life here on this blog. I appreciate the amazing opportunity to be allowed to share what it is that God is showing me as I seek to find Jesus in everyday life. You’ve really been a great encouragement to me to get brave and try new things.

So…with that in mind, I’d like to make an announcement… (drum roll, please)

I’m now compiling an interest list for the 2011 HisGirl Online Bible Study… Backpacking Through Joshua.

It will similar to the Safari through Daniel Study, only broken up a little differently. There are 24 chapters in the book of Joshua, and I can’t even dream about doing 24 weeks in a row. Instead, we’ll do four 6 week quarters. Starting January 1, we’ll do 6 weeks, covering chapters 1-6 and then we will take a break, when you can opt at that point to continue on, or decide to bail and head for home.

I am working on making it a much quicker study this time. Besides the reading (a chapter a week) you’ll have just 4 sections to complete- each designed to last no more than 5-10 minutes as we set up CAMP (Commentary, Asking God, More to read, Putting it out there). You’ll be able to participate on Facebook, on your own blog, or here on mine. I will again make this available at no charge in exchange for your willingness to be gracious as this will only be my second attempt at writing a Bible study curriculum for grownups. In a couple of weeks I’ll have more info, but first I’d like to see if anyone wants to come hike with me. Interested? Please leave a comment below.

Well, there you have it… a 500 word post to celebrate 500 entries in this little online spot on the web. Thank you again for the honor of your company. Here’s to the next 500!

And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

Hebrews 10:25

Oh yes, the blog... a Thanksgiving Post

2010-11-25T20:44:00.000-08:00

Sheesh. This season of my life seems to be filled to overflowing with blessings, adventures, opportunities, and lessons. Though it's been full, I have actually been keeping a much less frantic pace... the upside being that I am feeling much more relaxed these days, the downside meaning that any time that I have 'extra' is spent either hanging with my family or sleeping. My blog, my little connection with the online world, has fallen prey to my 'only the essentials' vow.

My family blessed me with the day off for Thanksgiving (I've caught a nasty bug and have been sick for an entire week AGAIN)- my husband and kids went to his parents' house for dinner and I stayed in bed all day long. I feel remarkably better... rested and content and am thinking, what better way to celebrate this great day than to pound out a quick little post of thanksgiving and catch ya'll up in the process...

I am thankful for my family...

My husband has been such a trooper these last few days- cooking great meals and holding the fort down as I collapsed in a heap at the end of every workday.
Since I last blogged, my son turned 15 1/2... his appointment to take the test for his driver's permit is in just a couple of weeks... eeek!
My girls have been my little assistants as I've been working on my latest little moneymaking endeavor... custom Christmas ornaments I'm selling to locals to earn our Christmas spending budget. I've loved working as a team with them!

I am thankful for the God who hears my prayers...

Though I don't talk about my job very often on here (it's a policy thing), I don't want to leave out the miracle that God performed last week. Very long story short, we had hit a major slump in volunteers for our children's ministry, and it was starting to bring me down. After an intense night of prayer and tears, God answered the prayer in abundance-the very next day. My entire church pulled together and the new volunteers are now pouring in like the fish in the nets when Jesus told the disciples to cast on the other side of the boat... it's a much bigger story than I can tell, but it bears mentioning, I think, as a reminder to myself and to anyone else who is stuck in a rough spot that hopelessness is not a reality for those of us who know Jesus Christ. Truth is, the Lifter of our heads is in control and He hears our prayers.

I am thankful for my new adventure

Right before the whole 'God answered my prayers in a HUGE way the very next day' incident above, I started feeling a tugging at my heart. For the first time in a long time, it started to bother me that I had some unfinished business from my past. I really felt like God was telling me it was time to do something BIG... *deep breath* it was time to go back to school...

You see, back in the 'olden days' I had begun a course of study in Child Development. I finished the original certificate program and began teaching... for a long time I taught school, waited tables, and went to school. After a while, I dropped the waitress gig, and then eventually began just taking classes that would help me do my job as a teacher. Shortly after I earned my admin creds I dropped out of the program altogether.

...Fast forward through the births of 3 children to a change in careers to two weeks ago when I realized that I couldn't ask people to take a step in faith and serve in church if I wasn't willing to take a step of faith of my own. I know God has a plan for this degree and heaven forbid I ever say I can't do something He needed me to do because I didn't take action when I was told to. It was crystal clear that I needed to just suck it up and take the classes that I had put off so long ago... so I went down that very day, registered as a Spring Student, made an appointment with a counselor and picked up my new student ID. Ta- Dah!

There are a majillion other things I want to share with you, especially the PURE COMEDY routines that have come out of being an older returning student... but for now, I think it's good to end this post, tell you how beyond blessed I am to have such amazing family and friends, and wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving...

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.

Philippians 1:3

Balancing Plates

2010-11-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I played some pretty high-stress board games. Perfection & Operation gave me many, many grey hairs at an early age. And then there was this one:

Did anyone else have Don't Tip the Waiter? The object of the game was to carefully pile plates on the waiter's tray without causing him to tip over. And if you do tip the waiter, you'll have to tip the waiter... you'll lose all your money and you're gonna lose the game... I was convinced that that game was invented just for my brothers to have another way to torture me.

These days, in ministry, it seems a lot of people are playing a game of real life 'Don't Tip the Waiter" - they keep adding one more thing and one more thing to their tray they are carrying around until they feel like they're going to tip over. I completely understand this feeling. I get accused of packing too many things into my everyday life much more often than I like.

So I really do have empathy for people who tell me they can't serve in church because they have too much on their 'plate'. I can't even throw one single stone. I do, however, want so badly to give them a tip...they're making a huge mistake.

You see, when we hear that whisper in our ear that says 'you have too much on your plate'- oftentimes it's quite true. On any given day, I have about 39 majillion extra activities jammed into my schedule and about a bizzillion of those are likely unnecessary. But the key to choosing the right thing to take off the 'plate' is not to just randomly cancel activities- or pick the ones that seem the easiest to back out of- or will make the most people happy- or will cost us the least to quit. Instead, we have to pray and ask God which items He'd have us cut back on or eliminate or even add because just shuffling plates around willy-nilly could cause us to topple over.

But how do you know what God would pick? Well, beside the obvious stuff- those things that are straight out sinful- sometimes we have to play a little game of 'Does this sound like something God would say?' That's when you take some time in prayer, and reading the Word & reflecting on the character of our Lord... and then you try filling in the blanks like this:

Does this sound like something God would say...
Your plate is too full, My child! What you need to do is stop serving me! I know you are overwhelmed, so why don't you just sit back, relax, and sleep that extra hour on Sunday morning. That will make ALL the difference! You'll have more time every single day! You'll be rested! You'll be perky! You'll have time to spare! ?

Or does this sound a little more accurate...
Your plate is too full, My child! What you need to do is limit your time on the computer! If you cut back just 2 hours a day, imagine how much time you could save! You could spend more time talking to me! You could spend time chatting with your kids after dinner! You could truly train them up in the way they should go! ?

I can't claim to speak for God, and I certainly would never want to put words in His mouth- and this certainly isn't meant to make anyone feel guilty about decisions they've already made... but I do think it's important that we take the time to discern who's talking when we're hearing a whisper in our ear.

Sometimes, God DOES call us out of ministry- and there are all kinds of reasons. Often (okay, really often) the things God tells us to do don't make a lot of sense, and so plugging them into a formula won't always work. But there is something that NEVER happens- God will NEVER ask us to do something (or not do something) that will contradict His Word or His character. They trick is to become very familiar with His character. And that means not just reading and praying when you have a decision to make... it means spending time with Him every day.

If God calls us to do something, He will provide everything we need to do it- and He won't ask us to quit before His appointed time just because things get rough. He tells us in the Bible to seek Him first- and He'll take care of everything we need. He'll carry us through to finish out our commitments, to run the rest of the race... and to find a balance to our proverbial 'plates.'

Be encouraged, my fellow plate balancers- God will guide you as you figure out what to put on (and take off) your plate... and when to do it. Don't worry about tipping over- just make sure you're looking Up!

We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith

Hebrews 12:2

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Philippians 1:6

loose ends.

2010-11-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

I am THREE entries from my FIVE HUNDREDTH post on this blog! Can you believe it? I'm praying about what I'd like to do to celebrate, but first things first: I have 3 posts in my draft folder that I need to just post and let be... so, in the spirit of ~~spring~~ fall cleaning, I present to you the the (still)unfinished posts:

___________________________________________________________

This one I titled "mixed emotions"- I found a poem my son had written for his lit class and was apparently all twist-y about it... I don't remember. Here's what I had waiting for me since May of this year:

Shall I Compare Thee to a Rose in Bloom?

A perfect countenance immutable

With an amiable scent of perfume

With beauty that is irrefutable

Yea, I knoweth it mayhap end in pain

But I have decided to pick the rose

The risks verily being worth the gain

My common sense I doth plainly oppose

This heart no longer my own

I notice when I view my wreathen soul

I am affined by thine hallow love sown

Espy, perchance that hath been thine's cunning goal

This broken place that I calleth my heart

Has been wholly thine from the languish start

____________________________________________

This one I titled, "pulled down." There was a good lesson in there, I'm sure...the actual finish eludes me now!

Today in church I sat near an older man and woman. At one point, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the woman was so moved by the worship that she stood up, arms open, smiling and singing to Jesus. I smiled to myself, closed my eyes and joined her in adoration of my King.

I'm not sure what made me look again, but the next thing I knew, the husband had his hand on the wife's waistband. I thought he was just giving her a love tap, but then it became evident that he was trying to coax her into sitting back down. After a couple of attempts, he then began rubbing her back, sliding his hand up to her shoulder and pushing hard, trying to pull her down into her seat.

I couldn't think of what to do, but......................

_____________________________________________________________________

Here's another unfinished post from May of this year:

I have about eighty majillion things I need to be doing right now, but I've given myself a short break to pop in and tell you guys how much I genuinely miss you! And also...

My son turned FIFTEEN!

(did you know that when you're 15, you are officially too cool to smile for any photos whatsoever, or to actually let anyone capture your coolness with her camera? apparently this is the case)

_______________________________________________________

Whew! That felt good! Now that I'll all cleaned up and on the up-n-up, I'll leave you with a question: what do you think I should do to celebrate my 500th post??? I love to celebrate the great things God has done- and the fact that he's given me enough things to write about for this long is a pretty neat thing- definitely reason for a party! So, what to do, what to do? In case you're wondering what I did the first 4 celebrations, here are the links:

When we hit 100- we celebrated by making a list of 100 random HisGirl facts.

When we hit 200- we played a rousing game of Truth or Dare

When we hit 300- I made e-party favors for all who commented

When we hit 400- we made donations to Compassion International

Well, let 'em fly- do ya have any suggestions for #500? I think I have an idea of what I'm going to do, but let's see if you have a better idea :)

I'm all ears!

For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations;

I will sing praises to your name.

Psalm 18:49

Kindness.

2010-10-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of talk these days about tolerance. Every time I peek at the news, or open my Facebook page, or glance at the paper I see headlines that tell of people being hateful to one another- spewing horrid words and bullying and attacking. Some people do this in the name of religion. Some people do this in the name of 'equal rights'. I'm not sure how either side justifies this. The world appears to be crying for tolerance from everyone- but they seem to be looking at Christians when they say it's lacking.

I am friends with many people who I suppose I don't see eye to eye with. We don't vote the same, we don't think the same... we have differing viewpoints on politics, faith, child rearing, and more. I feel strongly about protecting some of my rights that they would vote to take away- and they feel strongly about protecting rights that they wish they had. Still, we are kind to one another.

I'm not sure where anyone got the idea that they could beat the love of God into others. I can't imagine why being in the room with someone who we think is lost makes us think it's okay to shame, humiliate or physically assault them. When I see a child lost in Target, separated from his parents, I don't want to beat him to a pulp. I want to help him get un-lost. If I walk up to him, yelling at him for wandering away, coming at him in attack mode, how is that going to help him to want to come with me to safety?

Christians, when we think back on the people we were before we started following Christ, how can we be so arrogant as to think we have the right to behave unkindly toward anyone at all? Heck, when we think of the number things we need to repent of this week, why do we think we can be in a position to throw stones? Think back to what won you over to Christ... was it someone waving a sign at you with your sin printed on it? did you quit sinning because someone had a bumpersticker telling you you were going to hell? Or was your story sweeter, kinder, gentler? Yes, we need to be intolerant to sin- we don't need to look at it, participate in it, finance it, or applaud it... but there is no excuse for being cruelly intolerant of sinners. The Bible tells us that God's kindness led us to repentance...

You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that His kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?
Romans 2:1-4

I am afraid that some of my friends may never know the love of God because they can't get over the hateful words and actions of 'Christians.' let it not be so, Lord. Let me transparent and real. Let me love others the way that God does... and may it be contagious. I pray my friends will not grow to believe that our God is someone who requires we be perfect before we can be family. I pray they will know that God is loving and kind and soon, that they will love Him too. I also pray that my children will learn to love in the same way.

*sigh*

*side tangent* PS: For the record, I am offended to be lumped in with the haters when I stand up for what is right. It's not 'intolerant' for me to stand up for my children when they are made to watch a film that claims to disprove the Bible while they're at public school. If I can do it kindly and rationally, it's not hateful. I need to be tolerant and fair, but so does my school district. Since when does 'tolerance' mean it's a crime to be unfair to every group except Christians? pft.

Starting with Vicki!

2010-10-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

This morning, I did a drawing to give away a copy (or digital download) of:

...a book that I wrote about here and reviewed here.

I decided to do the drawing the old fashioned way- with pen and paper-

First, I wrote down all the names:

Then, I folded them and put them in a basket:

Then, I reached in and drew a slip of paper (drumroll............):

And out came the screen name for my friend Vicki! I am pleased as punch to draw this girl's name- for she was not only the chickkie who sold my old house, and who found us the home we live in now (9 years ago!) but she is a good friend who loves and laughs and lives generously!

Congrats, Vicki! Can't wait to see what God starts in YOU!

I'm pretty sure you're gonna want this digitally, so an Amazon gift card is coming your way!

Praise the Lord!

How joyful are those who fear the Lord

and delight in obeying his commands.
Their children will be successful everywhere;
      an entire generation of godly people will be blessed.
They themselves will be wealthy,
      and their good deeds will last forever.
Light shines in the darkness for the godly.
      They are generous, compassionate, and righteous.
Good comes to those who lend money generously
      and conduct their business fairly.
Such people will not be overcome by evil.
      Those who are righteous will be long remembered.
They do not fear bad news;
      they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.
They are confident and fearless
      and can face their foes triumphantly.
They share freely and give generously to those in need.
      Their good deeds will be remembered forever.
      They will have influence and honor.

The wicked will see this and be infuriated.
They will grind their teeth in anger;
they will slink away, their hopes thwarted.

Psalm 112

unfriended.

2010-10-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

See this girl?

She is 16 years old.

She drives a Nissan Sentra.

She gets good grades.

She is known as a 'good girl.'

She thinks she knows what is good for her.

but she is wrong.

Several times in her teenage life,

She put herself in compromising situations.

Only by the grace of God

is she alive today (22 years later)

to tell those stories,

to see how unwise she was...

and to write this post.

Yesterday,

I talked to another mother

Mom-to-mom

About her teenage daughter

Who is a lot like that girl in the photo.

I told her what I had seen.

I offered to butt out if it's not my business.

And in return,

The girl (who is a good girl)

Hit 'unfriend' on Facebook

I'm sure she's mad.

(The girl above would have been FURIOUS)

But I'm not sorry.

As parents, we need to realize

Our children live in a world we didn't know existed.

They don't have to climb out their windows to 'sneak out'

Their friends are not limited to the people we see

They live in two worlds- real and 'virtual.'

And to keep them safe

We have to work as a team.

It's not about 'your kid' or 'my kid'

It's about very real dangers.

It's not about being 'cool' or 'hip'

(kids don't even use those words anymore)

It's not about not "tattling"

It's about these teens.

Who, despite how grown up they look,

are kids.

They are kids that God loves.

And they are kids

For whom God has great plans.

And because of that-

We owe it to them to tell when we see them in danger.

And we owe it to each other to sound the bell

When we see the wolves circling our children.

even if it means being 'unfriended'

You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.

Hebrews 3:13

*note: I have a giveaway goin' on over on Sunday's post... there's still time to enter!!!

Starting with Me

2010-10-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

Today I read a book.

I won it from my dear friend Meredith's blog Life at 7000 feet.
She has special connections to one of the authors, John Blase.
(in this case, special connection=marriage)

I knew I would like the story just because John wrote it. I enjoyed his book Touching Wonder, from time to time I pop over and very much like his blog, and of course, I adore his wife. The man has a gift for words that I have rarely seen and so when I sat on the sofa today after church I was ready for a good read.

What I didn't know is that I would get so emotionally involved in the book. A few pages in, I had to go get a tissue. A few chapters later, I got up and got the whole box. Halfway through I wandered in to get my phone and texted Meredith "Where's the best place to send EVERYONE IN THE WORLD to go buy this book?" A few pages more and I had put the book down for a few minutes to let it soak in. I stopped to make supper, then left halfway through to go and finish the last two chapters. When it was over I just sat in my room in silence as my heart prayed... start with me, God. start with me.

you guys. this book.

If you are a Christian who is ready for more...if you're itching to see what else there is.. I want you to read this book.

In fact- I am so serious about wanting you to read Start With Me that I will be purchasing a copy (or download for your Kindle or Nook) to give away this week.

All you have to do is leave a comment below and I will randomly draw a winner on Friday, October 22, 2010 at 7am PST. I'll need your email address so I can notify you if you win- so if yours isn't hooked up to your comment profile, be sure you include it in the comment.

If you post about this on your twitter or facebook profile, and leave a second comment below with a link to the post, you will get an extra entry into the contest. *NOTE: THIS CONTEST IS CLOSED. YOU CAN SEE THE WINNER HERE.

If you don't want to wait 'til Friday... head on over to Amazon to purchase the book in Paperback or to Download a copy today. Oh! And here is the link to get it on the Nook! If you want to read my official review, you can click here. If you want to purchase a Kindle for me, you can click here (hardy har har)

And as for me? I've read the book. It's time for me to go and get started.

In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coinsand gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'
"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"
The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him."
Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

Luke 30-37

Sunshine and pass the soda crackers.

2010-10-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I make an error in telling mainly the best parts of my life on the internet. Will people think, ever, that it's easy for me to lead a Christian life because I have such an easy time at it? Will people become discouraged if their marriages, children, home, jobs aren't perfect when mine appear to be somewhat flawless online?

Yet, when I attempt to talk about times when we fail, when my kids mess up, when my husband is irritating me, when things get tough at work - I get stalled out all the time. It's one thing to air my own dirty laundry (which I do try to do on this blog- you know I am messy and anxious and lazy and worse) and it's an entirely separate thing to air the shame of the people I love.

And though you might be interested, and maybe even encouraged, to know (for example) the story of who in my family BROKE MY HEART this weekend- it's not only my story to tell. I want desperately to share with you how we lived through a fairly major-ish problem- how God triumphed, and how we're better off for it. But telling it out of turn could bring unnecessary embarrassment and could cause one of my people to stumble... so, away it goes into the archives of my heart, filed under 'blogs I can write when my children are grown.'

Still, though I'm not a 'sweep it under the rug' kinda girl in real life, picking things to blog about here is kinda like doing just that. I have to wade through my thoughts delicately- considering the effect my words could have on my family, my church, my friends. Because of that, to the reader, it may seem like my life is all sunshine and pass the soda crackers- even when it isn't.

This may not speak to many of you, but in case you've thought 'of course she loves God... she has the perfect life'- I want to clear some things up:

my life is not perfect, but I can navigate the imperfections because I have a God who is.
my kids are flawed, but I can love them through their mistakes because I am loved by a God who loves me through mine.
my marriage has highs and lows, but I can endure the rough spots because I trust my God to repair them.
my job isn't always easy, but I find joy there because God goes with me every day.

And yes, I am blessed. My kids are healthy, smart, and fairly well behaved... I have a noble, strong, able husband... I have amazing friends... I get to do what I love for a living. But none of this is guaranteed. If I base my happiness on if all the ducks are in a row, I will be miserable whenever they aren't. My joy can't be based on the unstable perfection of my world, it has to be rooted in the constant perfection of my loving God.

I hope that even among my tales of vacations and home improvements and toothaches you are able to see that there is 'real life' there in between the lines- and that the same God who teaches me in the garden and in the dentist chair and on Whidbey Island is the same God who will teach me in the valleys of disappointment, fear, and betrayal. Because He loves me.

And He loves you, too.

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Philippians 3:12-14

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 9.

2010-10-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the broken pieces are exactly what one needs for a sturdy place to stand.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.

Genesis 50:20 a

AmberLappin dot Com.

2010-10-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest questions I ever get asked is 'So, what is it that you do, exactly?' The short answer is, 'I work at my church in children's ministry and do some freelance writing, speaking, and consulting'- but the long answer is often difficult to convey.

Enter the fabulous Tracey Thompson from Thompson's Design - a girl with a beautiful voice, smile, and testimony... who also has quite a knack for building websites. One day she asked me if I'd ever consider helping her write some copy for her websites. I braved up and asked her if she'd ever consider helping me build a professional site of my own. The rest, shall we say, is history.

I can't tell you all the crazy stories that got us from that day to this... the day I get to officially launch the website... but I will let you know that Tracey is not only creative and professional, but incredibly patient as well. (Even at the crack o'dawn yesterday when I had to confess to her that I just about wrecked 6 hours worth of work she had done. But let's not mention that again or my head might explode of shame and panic.)

If you're looking for someone to design your website, but you're not sure you're up for it, please allow me to recommend Tracey. She's an amazing girl with a heart for God, and expertise that just blows me away. She'll walk you through every step and leave you just so pleased at what she creates!

So, without further lollygagging, let me introduce the official launch of

www.amberlappin.com

the long answer to 'So, what is it that you do, exactly?'

_______________________________

do it all for the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31 b

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 8.

2010-10-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

Remember this tree? The one from this post?

Well, right after I wrote this post, it started to grow fruit! But it was weird fruit. I don't know if you've ever seen a kumquat... but these are NOT IT:

And also, it started growing these horrible thorns:

And then my very observant husband one day noticed this:

you can't see it very well here, but this is a shot of the tree showing how the bottom of the tree had a teensy little kumquat on it! And then he noticed that the leaves on the bottom of the tree (around the fruit) were long, straight and one per stem. The leaves on the top 5 feet of the tree had completely different leaves. They were shorter, more curled, and were three to a stem:

So I ran in to Google some answers. Apparently, this is what happened, in a nutshell:

Evidently, the roots of a kumquat tree are very fragile, so sometimes growers will graft it onto a different type of tree hat has stronger roots- the second tree is called the rootstock. Then, if it's done right, the tree will grow into a kumquat tree with a nice strong foundation. Unfortunately, we bought this particular tree from Wal*Mart. Whomever they purchased this tree from grafted the kumquat onto what's called an Trifoliate Orange- basically it's an ornamental tree- one that bears nearly useless fruit. This was apparently done badly, and the rootstock took over, growing so tall (about 7 feet) and taking so much of the nutrients (can't even type that word without doing it all Nacho Libre style,nuuuutrients, but I digress) that the poor little kumquat had little to no chance.

So, we talked about what to do about this. Our choices were to pull the whole thing out and plant a new kumquat tree, to live with the Trifoliate Orange instead, or try to save the Kumquat by removing the branches from the rootstock tree and taking the risk of killing the whole thing.

My husband elected the third option. "No sense in having a fruitless fruit tree." So, he got out his hacksaw and tree pruners (I'm just making up the names for these tools) and went to work:

It took about 15 minutes for him to carefully prune off all of the branches of the Trifoliate Orange. The spikes were seriously sharp so we had to take things slowly to avoid being shanked. As I ~~watched~~ helped, I mused out loud that I felt bad chopping down a perfectly good tree. This sent my husband into a spontaneous sermon...

I don't feel bad at all. This is not the fruit that I planted.. SNIP
This part of the tree is useless... SNIP
It is thorny and dangerous to even walk by... SNIP
And letting it grow is making it so the good branches can't even grow... SNIP And this is my Garden...I have the right to trim away useless branches to make space for the tree that I planted and have plans for... SNIP
As Christians....

If you knew my husband you were be CRACKING up right now like I was... the man is not really the 'spontaneous sermon' kind of guy. He's more of the 'put feet to your faith' variety. But there was something about the blatant object lesson in the throwing of the useless branches in the 'fire' (in this case our 'green' garbage can) that was irresistible to even him- a quiet guy who would sooner live a sermon than preach one with words.

And as he spun his sermon about how important it is for us to cut out the parts of our lives that are bearing useless fruit to save our energy for the fruit bearing ones, and as He preached about letting God prune us before we are absolutely useless to him, and as he expounded about God's right to prune the trees He planted, a feeling of joy washed over me. Not just because it was a rare glimpse into my usually spiritually private husband's heart, but also because it was another example of God just making himself so OBVIOUS in everyday life.

I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. John 15:1-3

It's been said that if Christians just lived and put into action what they have already learned, even if they never heard another sermon, never read another 'self help' book, but just applied the lessons they have already learned- this world would see a revival like none throughout history.

I think that the thing I took away from this particular time in the garden is that the sermon that spouted out of my husband did not just come out of the clear blue sky. It came from a combination of lessons and readings that he's done over the years- and when the reminder presented itself- the Word just sprang out.

If I want to become an effective, fruitful Christian, I need to open my eyes and my heart to the reminders that God has placed throughout my day that reinforce the lessons I already know... realizing He has ALREADY pruned me with the Word I have ALREADY heard

and then? I need to do something with these lessons... I need to bear actually PRODUCTIVE fruit... kind that is not just to look at, but that can be used... the kind that God planted. I don't want to settle for being an "ornamental Christian"... I've already been pruned, and now it's time for me to produce.

Just like our cute little Kumquat tree is doing now... which will forever remind me of God's willingness to do whatever necessary to remind me of His plans for us...

The heavens proclaim the glory of God.
The skies display his craftsmanship.
Day after day they continue to speak;
night after night they make him known.
They speak without a sound or word

their voice is never heard.

Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,

and their words to all the world.

Psalm 19:1-4

Toothless old hag.

2010-09-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

*warning: long, whiny post*

I have this total aversion to the dentist. I always think that it's irrational, but every time I go there it ends up costing a majillion dollars and hurting a really lot. Some people have really great teeth, but I am not one of them.

For the last maybe 20 years, I have been a daily flosser, brusher, and otherwise oral hygiene fanatic. Apparently, this is not enough to make up for bad genes or whatever. About every three years I have to sell a limb to pay for some procedure or another even though I have excellent insurance.

So this week, this crummy, crummy week, I started to get a little tinge of a toothache on Monday. By Tuesday, it hurt so badly that I made an appointment with a new dentist. This dentist was very nice, but after looking at my xrays said there was not one thing he could do about it, that the tooth actually looked pretty good, so I would have to go see an Endodontist. He gave me some antibiotics and superduper motrin. I made an appointment for a couple of weeks later to get an old root canal redone. UGH.

By the end of Thursday, I was getting desperate. The pain was still stinking awful, so I went back to the dentist to get a script for more powerful drugs and also to change my appt with the endo for Friday. I had a class to teach at 1pm, so I made it nice and early so I could recover and go teach.

When I walked into the Endo office this morning, they took a quick xray of my dreaded tooth, and the Endodontist says, oh yeah, um... you have a 'fractured root.' Then he just sat there like I now knew everything I needed to know. Finally, I was able to drag out of him that what he was telling me is that the tooth is unsaveable, that it had to come out, and that he doesn't do that. I'd have to go back to my primary dentist to make that happen.

I was sad and stunned by the news, and even more stunned when they collected my copay on the way out. sheesh. Then, I called my primary dentist whose office said they could get me in to see the oral surgeon on OCTOBER 14TH!!! (well over 2 weeks away) I burst into tears, and had to call them back to beg them to get a better appointment.

Anyway, they found an office just about 15 minutes away that could take me, but only if I hurried down there right away. While I drove, I thought about the news I had just gotten. It all started to sink in. The tooth that was about to be pulled was in a bad, bad spot. You see, a few years ago, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I went in to get 4 pulled and woke up to see that they had yanked out 5. Evidently, the bottom right wisdom tooth had wrapped its roots or something around the molar next to it, and they had to pull them both.

Can you guess where this fractured-root tooth was? oh yes... right next to the void created by that lovely procedure. That means that I would now be missing TWO teeth back there... making a strong case for the bizillion dollar dental implant procedure I am now certain to have. Cue the tears. I wondered if I could just leave it, but then the pain started up again and I realized that pretending it wasn't a problem would not work.

So, now I am crying, and talking to my bestie on the phone, and pulling into this dental office full of people I've never met, signing papers, texting Gretchen, and trying to maintain some sort of composure, when I realize I was seriously queasy. Whether from nerves, or Vicodin, or the major pain, or Murphy's law, I had to go take a visit to the ladies' room to lose the banana I had for breakfast. Lovely.

So, anyway, once in the procedure room, I plugged in my ipod, shook hands with the cute doctor and laid back to breathe in the laughing gas. Only, it didn't make me laugh... it made me cry. Big, hiccuppy sobs as two grown men worked together to yank out my stubborn tooth to the tune of Amazing Grace in my headphones, all the while sticking needles in my gums because I could still feel major pain. Finally, it came out... I heard the doctor say he was glad he took it out, there was a major abscess under there and no wonder I was in so much pain. nice. A nice nurse sat with me while I recovered, sobbing and carrying on for what felt like forever.

I stumbled out of the office, called the school where I was supposed to teach, and canceled. Because I am a professional, I cried like a baby, trying to apologize through the gauze and Nitrous Oxide haze. As I drove home, my dear friend Lisa kept me company on the phone, checking to make sure I was really okay to drive. I was and she even managed to make me giggle a couple of times through my tears of self pity.

Once home, I curled up on the sofa, blubbered and cried at Sus who was so kind to call and check on me, and fell into a deep, deep sleep.

And that all happened before 10:30 am this morning.

---------------------

I'm feeling remarkably better now. Who knew? I have FINALLY stopped crying. I'm not sure I've cried that much total over the last year! And though not looking like a toothless old hag is going to cost me my firstborn's college savings, I'm really glad to get that thing out of my mouth. No sense holding onto a useless, fractured, abscessed tooth.

Now that the blinding pain is subsiding, I'm able to look around and see if there isn't a God-lesson in all of this. Is there something I'm holding onto unnecessarily? Something that looks fine to the naked eye, but is really just fractured and abscessing under the surface? I don't know... but tonight I think I'm going to say a little prayer, thanking God for good friends, decent health insurance, and for holding my hand in the form of Amazing Grace on my Ipod. While I'm at it, I'll ask Him to search my heart with His xray and let me know if there's anything that He's been wanting me to get rid of so I can be closer to Him.

And I might throw in a ps about not having any more dental procedures ever again in my entire life. ugh.

I leave you with a really long scripture verse... it's so beautiful and comforting that I couldn't choose which part to include so I'm just pasting the whole thing

(no photo, friends. the chipmunk look is not flattering at all. trust me.)

  O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
  You know when I sit down or stand up.
      You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
  You see me when I travel
      and when I rest at home.
      You know everything I do.
  You know what I am going to say
      even before I say it, Lord.
  You go before me and follow me.
      You place your hand of blessing on my head.
  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too great for me to understand!
  I can never escape from your Spirit!
      I can never get away from your presence!
  If I go up to heaven, you are there;
      if I go down to the grave,you are there.
  If I ride the wings of the morning,
      if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
  even there your hand will guide me,
      and your strength will support me.
  I could ask the darkness to hide me
      and the light around me to become night—
     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
   To you the night shines as bright as day.
      Darkness and light are the same to you.
  You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
  You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.
  How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
      They cannot be numbered!
  I can’t even count them;
      they outnumber the grains of sand!
   And when I wake up,
      you are still with me!
  O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
      Get out of my life, you murderers!
  They blaspheme you;
      your enemies misuse your name.
  O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
      Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
  Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
      for your enemies are my enemies.
  Search me, O God, and know my heart;
      test me and know my anxious thoughts.
  Point out anything in me that offends you,
      and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139 NLT

Crossing that Bridge

2010-09-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

Today I had a difficult conversation with someone who was fixing a big problem for me. She gave her proposed solution and I asked her "And if that doesn't work, will we have to do this second thing?" and she said... (are you ready for this?)

WE'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT.

I don't know what that actually MEANS, so I continued... "And if that second thing doesn't work, will this third idea be our only choice?" and she said (are you sitting down?)

I WOULDN'T REALLY WORRY ABOUT THAT UNTIL WE GET THERE.

What in the what what? Moving ahead without making sure you have at least 3 contingency plans? Huh? Do people really DO that?

That brings me to the idea that I've been churning on for a few weeks- a concept mentioned in a study about leadership and ministry. The idea was that a good leader, especially one who wants to give their best for Christ has to be willing to fail- or at least not be afraid to risk failure.

And though I completely get the reasons one can't let fear dictate what we do or do not do (especially for God), I absolutely abhor the idea of failure.

I mean, I tell my kids that though I don't necessarily expect report cards full of As, and I understand if they find a subject a struggle and get even a C, I absolutely will never accept an F. To me, an F means you didn't try. Teachers will nearly never fail a student who makes an effort, so if one of my children comes home with a failing grade they are in BIG. TROUBLE. MISTER.

So, when someone tells me my ministry would be more successful if I worried less about failing and more about doing God's will, I can GET the idea intellectually, but my heart just has a hard time catching up. My philosophy has already been if you could possibly fail, you should not do the thing until you have explored every item that could go wrong and come up with a contingency for it. Why would you do something (especially for God) if you could potentially waste God's time, money, resources, or the efforts of His people? Why would you risk the reputation of your ministry, your Church, or even Christianity if you could avoid getting an F? Why would you risk being in BIG.TROUBLE.?!?

But- and this is what I am just trying to see and believe now- if we sew everything up tightly, doing only what we can be sure will succeed, executing only sure plans, and going only where we feel safe and comfortable, where is faith? How can God get the credit if He hasn't been trusted for even part of the plan? If nobody risks, nobody steps out in faith, nobody takes a chance, how will the really big stuff happen? I'm not talking about being foolish or reckless, but instead, wisely engaging in projects or activities or relationships where you can't see how it could possibly work?

When I look at my life pattern I see a girl who only takes one step when she knows what the next ten will be. Yes, I never build a house without first considering the cost, but how good is that when all my efforts are being made to make sure the 'cost' is minimum and the risk is nonexistent?

This week, I'll be praying about taking 'calculated risks'- keeping my eyes open for times when God would like me to step out in faith, even when it defies logic. I'll look for wise opportunities to cross bridges as I come to them, instead of worrying about plans B, C and D. I don't think I'll ever be the kind of person who forges ahead without thinking, but I'd like to become someone who is willing to try something even if I don't know exactly how I can pull it off. I want to be willing to trust in the God I've given my life to.

How about you? Do you tend to plan or to risk? Are you okay to fail? Do tell...

Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.

John 14:1

old wounds.

2010-09-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a strange week for me. It's been mostly good. I am getting back into some habits that I had laid aside, that I really liked. I've been happy and blessed. My kids have been behaving well, and my house is... well, at least if you stopped by today I wouldn't have to pretend I'm not home. It's been good.

And although it hasn't ruined my week, some old stuff that I thought was gone has resurfaced. I don't know how to put into words the disappointment of thinking something chronic has been defeated, and then realizing it's just hanging out in the background after all... but it stinks quite a bit if you must know.

If you've been reading for a long time, you know that the end of 2009 I went through a majillion tests and medications to figure out that I had developed late onset Asthma. It was a rough time, but in a way that only God can pull off, I learned some amazing lessons about eternity along the way. I struggled to breathe daily for about three months, but eventually-- it just vaporized. I would still have to be careful, but overall, I was breathing pretty well and had pretty much forgotten about RAD. Generally speaking, I was healed.

If you've even been reading longer, you know that once upon a time I had a severe personal crisis. I had a very close and wonderful friend who had gotten herself deeply immersed in sin. I did almost everything I could to make it go away... mostly, though... I ignored it, prayed about it, sought counsel, cried, hoped it wasn't so, lived in denial, and prayed some more for what felt like forever as I watched her spiral down, down, down. It was horrifying to watch. I felt like I was in one of those nightmares where someone you love is in peril but your feet are somehow paralyzed and you just stand helplessly, hopelessly by in horror. A confrontation of the ugliest kind finally happened. Peace was offered and then rejected. The last I heard from her is that I was part of a group that could never contact her again. So I haven't. It hurt really bad for a long time. I thought I'd probably have that deep grief feeling forever. But, time passes, and God revealed a good many things about himself during that time. I learned some really good lessons, I took inventory of the blessings that I have, and I moved on. Eventually-- the pain stopped. I stopped crying when I heard her name, stopped wondering if I should just drive to her house and fix it. I realized that this was not about me, and that I would just have to wait and pray. Generally speaking, I was healed.

And then... this week happened. Early on, I started noticing it was super hard to breathe again. Then, it snowballed, (I'm convinced that in my case my breathing problems are at least 20% mental. When I can't breathe I tend to panic and that makes it worse) and soon my chest was in severe pain, my breathing labored, and that sick, wheezy cough was taking over... leading me to wonder if it was all starting all over again. Instant despair. OH NO NOT AGAIN I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN I THOUGHT THIS WAS OVER OH WOE IS ME.

Then, to add insult to injury, out of the woodwork pops up- no exaggeration- at least 10 mentions of that former friend. Some subtle, some huge... each of them picking away at the scab that had formed, exposing that underneath, there was still some healing to be done. Rats. Cue the tears, the worry, the dread. OH NO NOT AGAIN I CANNOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN I THOUGHT I WAS OVER THIS OH WOE IS ME.

But, (and here is the good part) THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT! This time, in both of the instances- I have firsthand knowledge that both the physical & emotional wounds are treatable! The good news about having been through this before is that I don't have to wander around without hope, wondering how to make it stop. This time I know.

Physically, I know that what medications work, which ones do not. I have a connection to the Chief of Pulmonary Medicine, who promised (and delivered) that he'd make sure I didn't go through this alone. No need to panic! Frankly, the lessons I heard from the Great Physician during the last crisis are still valuable today. I said at the end of the last string of attacks that I would go through it all again in order to walk that closely with God. Now's my time to prove it.

Emotionally, I know what thoughts get me wrecked and which lift me up. I have a connection to the KING OF KINGS- who's promised (and delivered) that I would never go through pain or loss alone. No need to panic! That horrible feeling is going to die down again- and I already know which scriptures and promises will bring the peace. I already know which thoughts I need to hold captive, and PLUS I have all the lessons I learned last time at my disposal. When the original 'injury' happened, I had the privilege of walking closer to God than I ever had before. That is what I need to focus on- clinging to God as he heals the wounds caused by betrayal and grief. The same God that was healing me then is healing me now.

Soanyway... that's a long way to say the thought that's been going through my head lately- I'm so pleased to have been growing with God for the last several years. I have an opportunity to actually lean on the lessons of the past to get through the present and I have the privilege of knowing those same lessons from the same God will get me through whatever will come at me in the future. That's good stuff.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

Fifty Percent.

2010-08-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

Nineteen years ago today, I married this guy:

This is not the first time I've celebrated a wedding anniversary on this blog (here are the flashbacks to our 16th, 17th, and 18th) but this is the first time I can say this: today marks the point at which I have been married for half my life.

did you hear that? HALF MY LIFE!

That is the CRAZIEST thing to me. It seems like I only recently I said 'I do' and at the same time I feel like I've always been married. I can barely remember what it feels like to not have a husband. My maiden name sounds odd to me, like it belongs to a different girl... one I used to know or read about... or maybe saw in a movie. That girl who existed for the first 50% of my life seems so far from who I am today.

I can think about a bizillion things I could tell that child bride if I had the chance to travel back in time- wedding day advice like slow down, pay cash, let it go, finish school, open your Bible, floss your teeth, eat less, exercise more, don't buy so many movies on videotape. There are a lot of things it would be helpful to know 19 years ago. I probably would even know where to start....I do know the thing I know I would say to her for certain is this:

outside of giving your life to Christ,
this is the smartest thing you will ever, ever do.
relax... sometimes it'll be difficult,
sometimes it'll be fantastic
but you'll never be sorry

A very happy wedding anniversary to Jason- an amazing father to my children and the faithful, loving, supportive, strong, handsome man I've called my better half for half my life.

Thank you, Jesus for helping us beat the odds and live deeply in love for the last 19 years. I'm one HUNDRED percent thankful for my amazing husband.

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife (or husband)? In body and spirit you are His. And what does He want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife (or husband) of your youth.

Malachi 2:15

middle. updated

2010-08-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. My girls start middle school in the morning.

*faint*

- UPDATE-

My girls started middle school today. It was their first time in separate classes, their first time walking to school, their first time moving from class to class.

It went wonderfully. This is such a cool season of life.

This is the scripture I shared with the girls this morning after ~~our~~ their night of anticipation... they totally got the application. How cool is that?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

Lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways acknowledge Him

and He will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3:5-6

walking the fence.

2010-08-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

My anniversary is coming up... it's August 17th- on that day we will celebrate 19 years of wedded wonderment. I'm looking forward to a weekend getaway, some time to be with my man and look back in appreciation of the miracle of lasting another year together.

but this isn't exactly a post about that.

begin rant//

It's about the Christian marriages that are falling apart around me. Three that I can think of at this very moment are either over or crumbling quickly. These aren't the first couples to throw in the towels from our circle of friends, but they're falling faster and faster the longer we're in the game. Another one bit the dust today.

I don't take divorce well. I'm not sure if it's attached to leftover fallout from being raised in a single parent home, or because I know it grieves the heart of God, or if it's just one of my little quirks... likely a combination of all three. I am sure of this: I hate it. Today I have a horrible knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat and a dull ache in my heart. I hate that satan gets even small victories.

Whenever this happens, I obsessively look at the state of MY union. Are we okay? I'll ask my husband. Are you happy? I'll check in with God... Am I doing all that I should? I run myself through a set of proofs and tests to make sure I'm not in danger. I fear that I could be falling off the cliff without even realize I'd wandered so closely to the edge... You'll tell me, right? I beg my close friends- You have my permission to call me out if you see me being stupid. I am not a complete idiot- I know that 'there but for the Grace of God go I.' I know I could fall easily and quickly if it weren't for all the safeguards I've been graciously given.

Honestly? I saw each one of the three trainwrecks happening waaaay before they got here. I watched as one spouse from each pair toed the "All things are lawful" line. I watched each one hone an attitude of 'I don't need to be a stereotypical goody goody legalistic Christian to prove I'm saved.' And as I warned (sometimes too loudly, sometimes not loudly enough) and as I watched (often too silently, too often through a naive veil of optimism) they climbed up on the fence- teetering precariously between a godly lifestyle and the ways of the world ... not all at once but bit by bit by bit. The path to 'the fence' is paved by compromise after compromise after compromise. And then as they reached the top of the fence they had a perfect view of....

the other side of the fence.

you know, that place where the grass is greener? The land populated by people who are cuter, stronger, hotter, more understanding, more available, better at listening, neater, smarter, funnier, even more godly than the ones who live on your side of the fence? The place where all the promises you made to your spouse, your children, your God are suddenly not half as important as your own happiness?

And then, suddenly contentment... the thing that each of us struggles with all the time... becomes impossible to find. It's like it can't survive in the land of 'I deserve better than this' so it goes completely out like a candle in a deep coal mine. Once it's out, there is no reasoning that can shine through. Once contentment is gone, it's just a matter of time before they jump off into this fictional land of perfection, leaving behind the wake of hurting people.

I suppose shouldn't be shocked. Statistics show that Christian marriages crash and burn just as often as nonchristian ones. I know that. I can totally see why someone who isn't a believer would bail out of marriage. It's hard.

But for those of us who profess to follow Christ this is absolutely heartbreaking. We have all the tools we need to keep us from that dangerous place. In fact, God clearly drew a line between good behaviors and bad behaviors for a reason... not to keep us 'fenced in' but to keep us safe... to keep us out of the land of do-as-we-please so we don't wander off there and get ourselves hurt. Our enemy satan tries to whisper lies of compromise and rebellion into our hearts and we end up in the same old trap- not just with devastated families and friends but with a heart that thinks they no longer can/want to face God.

and then stupid satan wins.

and that's dumb.

My friends... my Christian married friends... back away from the fence. Know what you believe. Stay away from the grey areas. Don't get even a 'little' drunk. Don't flirt even 'harmlessly.' Don't read trashy romances/look at racy magazines. Don't hang out with your friends who trash their spouses. Don't keep relationships up with someone of the opposite sex separate from your spouses, don't linger where you know you don't belong. Instead, spend time with your family. Invest in the people you promised 'til death do us part.' Hang out with friends who encourage you to draw closer to God. Purpose to love your people. Read your Bible. Pray for your husband or wife- even if they're not perfect or behaving perfectly or all that you dreamed- pray every.single.day.

It's not about what we're 'allowed' or 'not allowed' to do as a Christian. It's about what will contribute to taking care of the greenery on the side of the fence where we get to live under the shelter of the wing of the Almighty. Ya'll, we get to live in a land that God sent His only Son to die so we can be a citizen here... why do we keep gravitating toward the edge of darkness?

let it not be so.

*sigh*

//end rant.

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you.
And even though “I am allowed to do anything,”
I must not become a slave to anything.

1 Corinthians 6:12

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 7.

2010-08-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, my yard. In June, we began a project to overhaul and make usable our tiny and weedy back yard. You can see some of the other phases HERE (I'd recommend reading from the bottom up).

One thing that was very important to us is that we would make the yard a) a place we'd enjoy being and b) a garden of eatin'- meaning we'd plant mainly trees and plants that produce edible fruit or leaves. We already had a lemon tree, which gives me great joy each time I can go out and pick one to use in the kitchen.

We also had two other fruit trees... a kumquat (my husband loves them...ewww) and a dwarf apple. The problem is this... we were so shortsighted we only bought one of each. Apparently fruit trees need to be in the company of others of their same kind for cross-polination. So, the first crop from our fruit trees was the very last. That's why, when it was time to go to the nursery to get our foliage, we knew (in addition to our two new dwarf orange trees and and shade tree) we had to get a friend for our poor fruitless kumquat and apple.

(would you judge if I told you we brought in the new trees, put them next to their mates and made the trees 'say' in a very Joey Tribbiani voice, "How YOU doin'?"-- yes? well, good thing we didn't do that)

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading about the fig tree that Jesus cursed in Matthew 21. Here's what Jon Courson had to say about it in his NT Application Commentary:

Verse 19 says it was a lone fig tree. This tree bore no fruit because there was no cross-pollination. It's a matter of biology and a fact of life: A lone fig tree cannot bear fruit.
You see, gang, when we meet together, a spiritual 'cross-pollination' takes place. There's a dynamic unlike any other when people come together corporately to praise, play, and study the Word. This only makes sense for our God is a Father who loves his family.
When my kids were all at home, I wanted them to sit around the table and eat together. We didn't serve Peter-John in his room, Jessie and Christy in their room, and Mary and Ben in their rooms because something special happened when they were all together. So, too, our Father desires that His children come together around his table, the table of Communion. Secondly, our Father calls us to come together to the table of Bible study, where the manna of the Word is opened for us to partake of its spiritual nutrition. if you are a lone fig tree, you might appear to be healthy for a while. You might have all the leaves of right theology. Others might be fooled by your outward appearance. But there will be no real fruit found on you. as 'living stones being fit together for His glory' (see 2 Peter 2:4), we need each other.

While I was sick and on vacation, I managed to miss out on four weeks of church. I can't even remember missing 4 Sundays in a row since... well, I am pretty sure I had infant twins. During those four weeks, I watched online, and we did a Bible study in our family, and I did my daily study, but I could still feel the difference. I was so happy to be finally sitting in an actual pew & praying & fellowshipping with my actual IRL church family - it felt amazing.

If you currently are not going to church every week- for whatever reason, let me encourage you to get there this week.

If you don't have a church (because you moved or because you never had one or because you're unhappy with the one you used to go to or because it's hard for you emotionally or physically or you don't know anybody or whatever)... find one.
If you're too busy... make some time.
If your family won't go... go alone.
If you've gotten out of the habit... determine that this week, you'll get back in the habit.

Don't let satan win- don't listen to his lie that there is anything more important, that you aren't really welcome, that it's not really essential, that reading blogs online or having fb friends is the same (they're excellent in their own way, just not the same), that you can always go next week, or that you're just not a 'church person.'

It's true... going to church doesn't make you a Christian... but satan takes that fact and twists it into thinking we're okay on our own, that we don't need to get up and go to church, and then he gets his way- we get fooled into staying away from the very place that can help us grow and bear real, true fruit. The excuses pile on top of each other to form a wall between us and the people God intends to use to help us to grow. Let that be so no longer.

Go. fellowship. no excuses.

Be blessed, my little fruit tree friends.....

And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

Hebrews 10:25

If we had our way, Widbey still on vacation.

2010-08-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

please ignore my hair malfunction. it's the best shot of all of us on Whidbey that I could find.

It's been a while since our last family vacation. That's not a complaint, I know many people don't have the luxury of taking an annual trip, it's just a fact-we were excited to vacay! We had been waiting for my husband to get all settled into his new job (a year ago in March) and waiting to save up money for our 'all cash vacation' goal and then waiting for VBS to get wrapped up and then it was time to GO!

Because of the generosity of Gretchen's family, we were able to getaway to pretty much the most heavenly place on the west coast, Whidbey Island... in the Puget Sound, a quick ferry's trip away from the fabulous Seattle, WA. The five of us flew in the morning after all the Reunion Merriment. We headed straight to Pike's Market for lunch and a cuppa joe from the Starbucks' flagship store. Then, we hopped the ferry to Gretchen's beautiful beach view vacation home. *Sigh* I'm not sure what made me happiest- the schedule we kept, the climate, the view, the food, or the family togetherness, or the beautiful home, but... this was the perfect vacation!

I love eating all day long, I love sleeping til 11:30, I love having to put on a sweater in July, I love waking up and looking at the ocean, I love taking walks and chillin' with my kids. I could ramble on, but at some point it just feels like bragging. Instead, I'll just leave you with a few photos :

Walking on the plank bridge built by Mr.Jewels in My Crown and friends

My kids just loved exploring

Got to meet up with my Aunt Karin & Uncle Bruce! Had great food, saw fantastic sights!

Found this way-too-cool van in Seattle

Fort Stinky... Built by The Jewels in My Crown Family

When the tide came in, the girls had a great water taxi

There's just something about vacation that brings out the best in my kids


Ridiculously expensive, but totally delicious meal at the top of the Space Needle with incredible view

The best lunch ever. And not only because it made me think of my Island Girls.

It amazes me how perfectly God meets all our needs right when we need them. I know this wasn't a 'need' in the sense of basic human 'need' but it was just what my family needed to recharge and get back in the race. I am so grateful to God and to Gretchen and to my beautiful family.

The only sad part about vacation is that it is over *sigh* The only good thing about it being over is that I am now home with the church and the people I love. Oh yes... and that I can get out and work in my dreaded backyard again.

--more about that next time--

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

Phil 4:19

July Recap: Reunited

2010-08-02T00:39:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that I joined the reunion committee for my 20 year *gasp* high school reunion. Whenever someone asks me 'why on earth would you do that?' I have a hard time coming up with an answer. It's far easier, in fact, to come up with reasons why not. My plate is pretty much in a constant state of full, I wasn't exactly well-liked in high school, and frankly, I get to see almost all my favorite people from those days of yore either IRL or on Facebook any time I want.

But I'm one of the few people that still lives locally, I like to organize and plan things, and I really wanted to make sure a reunion would happen. Why? Well, for me, a reunion is like finding out there's a sequel to a book I really enjoyed. To be able to see how the characters are doing, who they grew up to be, what happened next? I like that stuff. I confess, I'm a sucker for those 'where are they now' internet articles where they show where someone I enjoyed on television as a child all grown up. And if I find learning about the continuation of the stories of fictional book characters, or celebrities who are strangers to me... how much more fun to see the 'what happened next' sequel of the people I spent three years with at Perris High twenty years *gasp* later?

So, anyway, yes, I signed up to help. Together with the other two girls on the committee, we picked a low-cost but elegant site, put down the deposit for the room (out of our own pockets) made a budget, chose a menu, put together the website, went about ~~harassing~~ encouraging people to purchase a ticket, all that good stuff. The initial response was great...people seemed to show a genuine interest. We based the prices on about 100 people including guests coming (of the 450 classmates) and then waited for the payments to roll in.

Except they didn't. At one point, we had only 20 tickets sold. total. It was a little nerve-racking. We bumped up the publicity, tightened our belts, and prayed. We sold a few more. Finally, I think we ended with just under 50 tickets sold. It was disappointing, but at least every expense was covered.The girls on the committee and I took a deep sigh of relief.

And then, suddenly, it was Saturday. Time to get together with people I hadn't seen in 20 years *gasp*... all the work that could possibly be done was finished. We just added the centerpieces and stood back as people trickled in. My husband served as the photographer and got some really nice shots of my classmates. (Curious? You can see how well we all aged HERE)


My husband brought in frames as props... it was a fun touch

With my handsome husband

With my befri, Brandy, being silly and recreating a silly photo we took in 1989

The Reunion Committee... I'm the pale one in the middle ;)

Though it was a small group, it was really nice to peek in on where these people had wound up. Yes, there were some battle wounds, and some rough patches for many. We lost a lot of classmates ... too many. But overall, there was this sense of contentment and brotherhood among us that didn't exist in high school... or even at the 10 year. I felt super relaxed, and it was nice to not be stressed out about what people thought of me. Everyone was really appreciative and it seemed like they were having a good time. Long gone were the catty, jealous, mean-spirited kids from high school. On the whole we were a much kinder, gentler group. I liked that.

I praise God that, though maybe not obvious to anyone there, He has brought me so far in these past 20 *gasp* years- I have such a peace about who I am in Christ, and such a joy in knowing who He created me to be, and such a great perspective about being able to love and be loved... something I didn't even have a clue about before. I loved the perspective that these *gasp* 20 years has brought, and though it still is startling to think it's been such a long time, I wouldn't go back a minute. Gotta love the peace that comes with 'old age' ;)

So, to sum up... It was time for a reunion. I got to work on the committee. It was mostly fun and partly disappointing. I found a pretty cute dress. The reunion came. It was completely fun and not at all disappointing. It was good for perspective. And then it was over.

---and then I went on vacation.... will blog about THAT next.

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

James 3:16-18

July Recap: Recovery.

2010-07-31T00:57:00.000-07:00

Where to start? It's been so long since I blogged, I can barely remember how... I suppose I'll pick up where I last left off. I was sick. As in siiiiiiick. I thought I was feeling better, but I was wrong. I began feeling worse and worse and worse until finally dragged my nasty germ filled carcass into the after hours urgent care. The doctor spent about 15 minutes telling me that the prior doctor had given me the wrong meds and so I needed to take these other meds and I would be better in another SEVEN TO TEN DAYS!!!

This was absolutely unacceptable. This was a Saturday and VBS was set to begin on Monday. At that point I'd been ill for waaay too long. I asked the doctor if there was something bigger we could do? Could he inject something? At first he tried to tell me that wouldn't work, but finally ~~he was scared to death by the desperate, savage look in my eyes~~ he took pity on me and gave me some Prednisone, a new antibiotic, and a shot of Rocephin. In three short hours, my earache was gone, my sore throat felt much better, and I was finally able to sleep for a couple of uninterrupted hours. POW!

So, the next day, I went into the church to put on some finishing touches and then the day after than that, VBS began. I didn't have much of a voice, I didn't feel great, but I was able to stay vertical and to do what needed to be done. I looked awful, but I did all I could do... and you know what?

It was the best Vacation Bible School EVER! We had over 500 kids, and God was BIG and OBVIOUS and AWESOME! The people who were serving, left to their own devices since I was totally forced out of the way, did an AMAZING job! The classes were fantastic, the registration was perfection, the assemblies and worship and crafts and science projects and stories and mission lessons and games were TREMENDOUS! The kids were so happy! You can even watch a short little recap video HERE. (though beware, I look pretty rotten still- mercifully, they just used a short clip of my ramblings) Really, if you don't count the freak thunder & lightning storm that ruined our family picnic, everything went better than I had even hoped.

It was as though God had it all under control.

hmmmmm.

It was as though I am not really as 'in charge' as I always think I am.

what in the what what?

It was as though if I stopped doing all the jobs myself, other people would step up to the plate and do way more than I- or even they- imagined.

whoa.

So, though I hate to admit it, that's the story of how I learned that I am not the boss of everything from being so sick and how God can use everything, everything, everything for His glory.

--Next up, the story of my 20 year high school reunion that took place the day after VBS ended.

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Cor 2:10

pathetic.

2010-07-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a week, ya'll.

A week of illness, helplessness, and general patheticness.

Remember the list of sick I gave you last time? I believe it included sore throat, exhaustion, cough. Day before yesterday, we got to add laryngitis, ear ache, headache. (tmi, by the way, I got an early visit from my aunt flo, so I also have cramps. sorry about the overshare but it helps paint my picure)

I went to the doctor again. Yep. Ear infection. I got antibiotics with a warning that they wouldn't help my cough or sore throat (those are viral), some wicked cough syrup that tastes like death, and some superstrength pain pills to dull the 'ice pick' feeling in my ears. Oh, and also, my doctor (who wore her OWN mask while examining me) would like me to know that the laryngitis is here to stay for a long time and I can absolutely not go back to work til Sunday. the day before vbs.

*cue emotional breakdown*

I've talked before about how my biggest pet project in children's ministry each year is Vacation Bible School. We have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of kids who come to learn about Jesus. That takes a lot of prepwork. The good news is, much of the work is delegated out this year because it's grown so big. The bad news is, I am powerless to do all the other stuff. I work with an amazing team at my church. They've totally got it. They're not making me feel guilty or worried that it won't all get done. I've been texting and emailing them with tasks to do, and it's getting done. without me.

but oh, the anxiety that comes from being a girl who ~~likes to be in control~~ likes to make sure everything is done well, ~~who doesn't like to have to rely on others~~ doesn't like to burden others, who ~~has a tough time not leaning on her own understanding and strength~~ likes to roll up her sleeves and 'get in there,' and who is ~~wallowing in self pity~~ really sick. Plus I look wretched. besides all the regular infirmities, I had to cancel my long overdue appointment with Tia the Wondergirl yesterday, so my hair is... well pathetic.

Did I mention my high school reunion is a week from Saturday? And that we leave for vacation to Whidbey Island after that? um yeah. Did I mention that I have failed to be awake for more than 2 hours at a time since July 3? Details, details.

So yesterday, after the Dr., I was laying in my bed feeling so sorry for myself and my team and my family, (but mostly for myself) when I noticed something.

uh oh.

nausea. noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

yep, a couple of hours later I was poised over my freshly washed toilet regretting every ramen noodle I had eaten that day.

I'd say I hit bottom, but I know better .

____________________________________________________________

Two weeks ago, I made a petition at work to be allowed to work more than the 28 I usually do a week right before VBS. 'There's no possible way I can get it all done in 28 hours' I said.

ha. ha.

I feel like Gideon, who complains to God He doesn't have enough people and then watches his army dwindle to almost nothing. Once properly humbled, Gideon was able to defeat his enemies and give glory not to his abilities, or to his power, but to God, who loved Him enough to save his bacon AND give him a new dependence on his Lord.

My prayer is that I will be able to truly listen to God, hear the lessons, and then stand back and watch in awe when 630 kids arrive on Monday and have a blast learning about Jesus. No glory will be for me... only for the God who loves me enough to save my bacon AND give me a new dependence on Him.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

Okay, enough drug-induced rambling. Love to all,

mask.

2010-07-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for about 5 days now, and it just ain't pretty.

sore throat, hacking cough, fever, sleeping 22 hours a day.

Today I visited the doctor. The receptionist took one look at me and handed me a mask.

"Ma'am, we're going to require that you wear this while you're in the waiting room"

So, I dutifully tied the mask over my bedhead hair and no makeup face.

Can you picture what a lovely sight THAT was?

you can't?

Well I brought it home with me... with you in mind.

I even put it back on and took a picture.

'Cause I knew you would ask.

All three of you who still read here.

Are you ready for the re-creation?

Here it comes....

Don't look directly at it.....

Shield your eyes a little bit....

Beautiful, huh?

Don't be jealous. Not everyone an rock the mask like I can...

hardy, har, har.

Anyhoo- I'm realizing that I'm going to have to really learn about God's provision since I am basically useless to my children's ministry team as we get ready for 600+ kids to come to VBS in 6 days, my reunion team as we get ready for the big event in 11 days, and my family as we get ready for our big vacation. This is NOT the way I planned for this week to go.

Good thing my God's bigger than my task list... *sigh*

I'd love your prayers for some fortitude for me and for the people who are counting on me. As for me, I'm going back to sleep. This being upright and semi-conscious is exhausting.

This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength.

1 Cor 1:25

Racing.

2010-07-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

I've been a little (okay, a lot) absentified lately from my happy little spot over here. I still don't really have 'time' to blog yet, but wanted to give you a little update (kind of like a placeholder) of what's been happening over in my neck of the woods. The photo above is of me swinging into the tops of the trees at camp, but it really does kind of represent what's been going on around here. I've been running like crazy, but having a blast, swinging from one thing to the next. Here are the highlights:

Went to camp with 73 2nd-5th graders and had a really, truly, great time.
Came home and began the super concentrated plans for Vacation Bible School. We have over 600 kids expected to come to our 5 day, three-and-a-half-hour cowboy-themed day camp for kids who just finished grades K-5. That includes recruiting volunteers, training, decorating, organizing, gathering supplies, writing some of the lessons, registration, and all those little things you don't think of until you are looking right at them. It's one of my favorite things we do in children's ministry, but also one of the most detail-intensive. 100% exhausting and 100% rewarding.
Am simultaneously part of the committee planning our 20 year high school reunion. The one that takes place THE DAY AFTER vacation Bible school. (Coincidentally, I'm also in the proceess of praying 20 pounds would fall off my booty from merely wanting it to happen. What? that's possible!) We have a small group coming this year, which is a little disappointing, but many of my favorite people are going to be there, so am choosing to be content with that.
Enjoying summer with my children. I'm trying to remember to do something fun with the kids everyday. The good news is that my ~~nerdy~~ easily-pleased children are quite content with trips to our beach club, library, and our cheapo movie theatre. I'm trying not to let my busy-ness rob them of some great memories. Amazingly, so far, so good. They're saying 'this is the best summer ever!' and even though they've only had two real summer breaks (we were on year round schedules until recently) I will take that compliment.
Finishing up the dreaded yard. I have more photos to post, but we have come to the place where we have to stop working on the yard and concentrate on the ~~pit of eternal stench~~ inside of our home. It seems something terrible happened in our house while we were outside. The laundry built itself a fort in my upstairs hallway and I am pretty sure that it's a barricade that rivals the set of Les Miserables. I fully expect to see some revolutionaries on the other side of it. Apparently, I can't be trusted with a nice yard, AND a well-kept house. sheesh. Also, it's getting a little expensive back there, and it's time to start really saving our pennies for....
OUR FAMILY VACATION! We have skipped taking vacations for over a year as my husband settled into his new job, and now we are prepared for a DOOZY! We are going to go away for SEVEN WHOLE DAYS beginning right after the reunion. I understand that people think this is crazy timing, but I actually did that on purpose. I think it's perfect to collapse in a heap after that little camp-vbs-reunion triathlon. I'm counting down the minutes. I can't wait to just soak in all the Jesus I can as we take a break from the crazy, then come back to function at a more human-like pace.

I hope the three of you who are still reading my blog are doing well, that you are enjoying your summer, and that that you are making an effort to see Jesus in everyday life. I'll check in here as often as I can. Love to all--

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12:1

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 6.

2010-06-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

note: this is a post in a series telling what I'm learning about God while landscaping the back yard. You can catch up by clicking here, and reading from the bottom up. I'm allowing myself 15 minutes a night to write a post about the lessons coming my way....

Once all the sand and gravel were spread, our foundation was ready to accept our bargain Craigslist find:

About 250 pavers, 12x12 beasts that I am pretty sure weighed 987 pounds each. These were also stacked in our front yard and had to be moved along the border of our little project.

As we were doing that, it was time to figure out how on earth to put these things in place. My husband was the pioneer, using a level to smooth the sand to make sure each paver was locked in, on even ground, and set up for the next one.

This is seriously the most tedious process so far. The sand has to be PERFECTLY smooth and level before you can put a paver down. Once you put the paver down, you have to check and recheck with a level to make sure everything is spot on. If it's not, you have to resmooth and retouch and refill and sometimes start over. And then you have to practice not saying bad words. Argh.

Most of them will go in smoothly at least by the second time, but by the third or fourth time, it's tempting to call it 'close enough' and move on. Problem is, even if it's pretty close, the compromise will soon either stand out as a big high or low spot on the patio or throw off all the pavers that you put down after that. And then the ones you did that were 'close' will drive you so crazy that you'll eventually have to go back and pull up all the pavers around it so you can redo it. I'm talking theoretically, of course.

Ah, compromise. The temptation faces each of us in our Christian walk. To label something 'close enough' is certainly easier than having to strive to figure out how to smooth things out and do them the right way. the problem is, when we make tiny little compromises, that don't seem to make a difference NOW, they always seem to make a problem for us later.

I think one thing I'm starting to realize is that I need to begin thinking from the perspective that each little thing I do builds upon the last, and will effect the things I do in the future. Little compromises I make (slightly flirting, barely coveting, almost forgiving, lightly swearing, basically telling the truth) throw off the balance of the 'Level'- the true measure of what's right and true. And that just doesn't make for one wonky brick- that makes for a whole wonkified patio. In real life terms, that means I have to keep in mind that anything does not line up perfectly with the Law of Christ is sin. I need to put off the attitude of seeing how much I can get away with and strive instead for achieving that 'sweet spot' of landing right in the center of God's will.

outta time. Next, we'll talk trees.

Psalm 119:3
They do not compromise with evil,and they walk only in his paths.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 5.

2010-06-12T23:12:00.000-07:00

Minutes on the clock... fifteen.

Once most of the fences were mended, it was time to lay down our new terrain. We had 7 bags like the ones below, 3 of sand and 4 of pea gravel. Our lot is small, and we live on a cul de sac, so it wasn't possible to have the delivery truck drive our materials to the back yard. For us, that meant a borrowed wheelbarrow (Thanks Rob & Judi H.), some shovels, and some buckets. It also meant veeery sore bodies as we worked together as a family to haul the mazillion tons of sand and gravel to the back.

It was sweaty, hard work, but it was pretty awesome to see what we could do when we worked together. We started with the gravel... and kids were downright chipper as we worked. The girls and I sang and filled the wheelbarrows and my son and husband flexed their muscles with the heavy hauling. It took a few hours, but we finally got it all back there.

see the cat helping? it's great to have so many assistants.

After that was all spread, it was time for us to haul the sand back. We woke the kids early one Saturday to help with this, and I have to to admit the scene was not as pleasant as one might hope. My cranky, half asleep children hauled sand back like they were on a chain gang, only grunting answers to me, grumping to each other, and going at a pace that can only be described as a drudge.

Still, we managed to get it all on the right side of the fence, then bucketful and shovelful at a time, we began the task of spreading the sand over the gravel. It was not pretty, but it was pretty rewarding work, as it went much faster than I anticipated. I couldn't even want to make them keep on trucking, and many times I thought it would be easier to just let them take their crabby pants inside, but it was important that they saw that sometimes you have to push through, even when you want to quit. Together, we celebrated achieving our goal. I was glad we pressed on.

Before we started, I campaigned to skip this part, but it took just a quick internet search to find out why that is absolutely a terrible idea. Rumor has it, that if one were to decide to merely lay pavers down on the hard ground, even if they cleared out all the weeds, it would just be a matter of time before the weeds grow back. If they put just the sand down, over time water would eventually erode the sand away and the pavers would be soon uneven and out of place. Each and every step is necessary to make sure that in 20-30-40 years, that area is still useful and strong.

When we were working on this leg of our project, I kept thinking about how making sure there is a solid foundation SO applies to parenting. The nasty, hauling hard parts are just part of the project. Sometimes that's hard to see, when I have to do the parts of my jobs that I just don't like. The conversations I have with my preteens & and teen that I absolutely hate to have (you know, those topics that make me all weird), the time I spend doing those little things I hate to do (like playing ~~bored~~ board games), the moments I give up to listen or to do things I'd rather not? Apparently skipping them is not an option.

Why? Because I'm finding that in reality, there is no substitute for a firm foundation. If I don't want bad behaviors (weeds) to come back, I have to be willing to lay down not just rules of what my children are or are not to do, but instead take the time to try to help them change their hearts on the matter- to understand the value of having standards and boundaries. That way, someday, they'll be able to make the right decisions in life based on a firm foundation of Truth that was carefully, purposefully laid. I need to swallow my pride and answer 'Why?' (when asked respectfully) because I want them to know these answers. I have to make a point of requiring obedience and respect, even when it's easier sometimes to take the path of least resistence.

I have to take time to invest in them- with my time, my emotion, my prayers, because I want to still be enjoying these children in 20,30,40 years... and beyond. When the storms come, I don't want the sandy terrain to slip out from underneath, I want my kids to lean upon the Rock for stability...

wow, waaay out of time again. Next up, pavers.

Proverbs 10:25
When the storms of life come, the wicked are whirled away,but the godly have a lasting foundation.

Luke 6:49
But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 4.

2010-06-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

Minutes on the clock... fifteen.

Once 'we' (meaning the boys & men) cleared the ground of our trashed backyard most of the way, the next step was to fix the rotting, dog-destroyed fence. The posts were in such bad state, we had to dig new ones. (and by 'we' I'm still referring to the people who live in my home who have upper body strength. Who also happen to be men.) What we found is that underneath the weeds and rubble, there was really, really hard ground. The girls and I had to soak the ground like crazy with water just so my son and husband could break through and dig the holes necessary to really cement the poles in.

Once the poles and the cement were poured, we had to wait until the next morning when they would be dry. Even though I was ready to be done with this part, apparently building a fence founded on unsteady boundaries is just plain foolishness. Boo. More waiting.

You see, already at this point I was starting to get restless. I was ready for the end result, the part when my whole family was sitting on beautifully matched patio furniture around a fire pit with marshmallows on skewers, singing praises to God. The reality is there was much, much, much to more to do, and rushing past these first important steps can end in big trouble.

If that fence isn't strong, if it's not up right, if it's not sturdy- well, going further will be pointless. The neighborhood dogs will continue breaking in, making a mess of any work we do. A firm boundary needs to be set so that we can protect the changes we make.

it still needs to be painting but those rotten neighbordogs are now thwarted!

In the book of Isaiah, we read about the hedges God puts around us for protection. In 2 Kings, we're told about Elisha being surrounded by angels doing spiritual battle. In fact all through the Bible, we are reminded that there is more going on around us than we really know.

It's easy to be tempted to skip right to the fun parts when we're trying to make changes in our lives. Whether it's breaking old habits, reconfiguring relationships, or making major heart renovations, there are important steps that must happen before we rush in and tackle the issues. Like we talked about last time, we have to get out the weeds- the obstacles that will hold us back from knowing the truth. We do this by reading the Word of God and by remembering His Truth.

The next thing we have to do is make sure we have a sturdy fence around us for protection. If we don't pray- if we don't ask for God to protect the work that He's doing, we're leaving ourselves vulnerable to the enemy. We can't battle satan by ourselves- he's like my stupid neighbor dogs who just look for a weak board and break into my yard. He'll constantly be looking for an unprotected area to get in and mess up the work we do.

Instead, we need to let God put his protective barriers in place. We can let Him set the boundaries, put up the hedges, set loose His angelic warriors. All we have to do is realize this is necessary, and put in the time to ask. We need to have a regular, healthy prayer life, and we need to never get so excited about making the changes that we forget that fences need constant attention. We can't just pray at meals, or even at our morning/evening devotion time- prayer for us can't just be at the corners of our lives. It has to surround our entire lives...we need to pray throughout our entire day.

Whoops! That's the time... next up... groundwork.

Psalm 46:5
God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.From the very break of day, God will protect it.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 3.

2010-06-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

Minutes on the clock... fifteen.

Okay, so our backyard was in a state of awfulness. From years of neglect (and some AWFUL dogs on every.single.side. of us) it had become overgrown and rundown and ramshackle and otherwise completely unusable. Once we decided that it was time to do something about it, we first had to come up with a plan.

We went outside to measure what we had to work with. Then, we made a rough sketch of what we wanted to do:

That was the fun part. Dreaming and imagining the possibilities is really quite enjoyable. The next part was the rotten part. Before we could do one more thing, we had to move out the weeds:

Ugh! This was nasty, nasty work. Allergens were flying everywhere, 'beagle surprises' were lurking below the mayhem, and every insect that had made its home in the chaos was out and complaining. Yet, it was completely necessary. We couldn't make a single move until every last weed was removed from the area. Luckily, my son loves the power tools:

please pay no attention to the getup my son has on.

Unfortunately, that boy is also highly allergic to grass and about died of puffyfaceandrunnynoseitis, so his role was short lived. My husband finished the whacking of the weeds, and then called for backup.

The girls and I just don't seem to have what it takes to really clear the dirt and even out the surfaces, so we were generously helped by our friend Doug, his son Matthew, and their visiting relative, Kelhi. The men worked and sweat together for hours, shoveling and raking and hauling. It was foul, foul work, but it went so much faster when there were people there that were more capable than we-stereotypical-girls-with-no-upper-body-strength. I cooked for the men who I am pretty sure swallowed the burgers whole after their whole day of clearing. It was rough work, but essential to the next part.

That's how it is, though isn't it? In order to really improve anything in our lives, whether it be our marriages, our parenting, a relationship, our jobs, a spiritual issue, the first thing that has to happen is we need to clear out the weeds. This is a nasty, nasty procedure... but so important that it's done right in order to set a firm foundation. Sometimes, God works on our hearts just one on one... and sometimes He sends friends to help... but always, even when we're sweating and grunting, the heavy lifting is actually done by God when we allow it.

What are the 'weeds' that stand in the way of necessary change? Pride (thinking 'I shouldn't have to be the one to change... why do I always have to be the bigger person?') Laziness (thinking 'It's too much work! I can't even get started!') Familiarity or Fear (thinking 'I'd rather stay the same than risk the unknown') or a Lack of Trust in God (thinking, 'I might not have enough (strength, time, knowhow, patience, money) to succeed) are a few things that have to GO in order to have any change happen. You have to be willing to put in some hard labor, cause many of those have deep, stubborn roots... but, oh! it's worth it! To have a clean start is a beautiful thing... and all we have to do is look at the Truth to have it!

For example: When looking at the weedy thought, 'Why do I have to be the one to change?'- I can replace that thought with a Truth: 'Because that's what God asked of me. That's good enough reason. It's not for that person I'm going to swallow my pride for, it's for Jesus.' and then suddenly, in light of the Cross, making a behavioral change is a simple thing.

When the weed of Lack of Trust pops up, I can combat that with 'God promises to give me everything I need' and then I can reflect on all the times God has actually provided for me. You can't walk around thinking you don't have 'enough' when you are purposing to remember times when God came through for you in the past.

When we take charge and clear out these weedy thoughts as they come in, taking them captive and destroying the roots, we are in a much better position to be able to develop into the people God created us to be.

You get the idea, I'm sure... which is good because I am pretty sure that I've gone over my time limit.

Next time, we'll talk borders and fences.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ

2 Corinthians 3-5

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 2.

2010-06-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

Minutes on the clock... fifteen.

(pictures will take too much time... will post later)

Okay, so we decided we wanted to fix up our wretched backyard. It was nasty and overgrown and useless. This, we decided after looking at it one day, is a cryin' shame. We complain we are overcrowded in our home, and yet we have this little plot of yard out here that we never use. And it's horrid. We recognized we needed to make a change.

... but that wasn't enough. We realized that just saying it's neglected and overgrown is not going to get our yard useable. So, we sat down and determined what it is, exactly, we wanted our yard to be when it was done.

We had to look around a little, and think on it. Here's what we came up with

I have a friend, Julie, who has a great, functional yard. She enjoys it all year 'round, and is able to bless friends and family with it for parties and for events. We like that. I can picture friends outside, eating a meal and laughing. Yes! A yard for entertaining. How fun will it be to have friends over!
We also decided that we'd like to do our family devotion time out there. We could picture us all lounging around a fire pit in the evenings, Bibles in hand, talking about the Word together. Like an extended family room. How much will the kids love that!
We know we're lazy yard workers, plus water is pricy these days. We decided we'd like to have no lawn to water and mow, and have as much of the foliage be edible as possible. A garden of eatin' if you will *rim shot* How nice will it be to go in the backyard to pick 'ingredients!'
We are saving for a huge family vacation this year. We don't want to spend a lot of money. How amazing would it be if we could pay cash for everything!

So, there you have it! An economical, family-friendly yard to entertain- filled with good things to eat. Finally, a clear picture of the end goal. Suddenly, it was exciting to plan and to prepare for the next step. Why had we waited so long?!? Eyes on the prize, we sat down to draw up the plans....

It occurs to me that all change happens in my life when I get to a point in which my passion to get to an end goal surpasses my apathy or excuses to not take action. This is true in my yard, of my physique, and of my walk with God. Just realizing I need to change is never enough. 'Ugh! I'm fat!' or 'Ugh! the yard is so gross' or 'Ugh, I need to do some laundry' never actually accomplishes anything. Then why is it I think that when I hear something that reminds me of an ugly character trait in myself, I think that 'Ugh! My pride is getting out of hand' is going to actually make a difference? It's not. Once I recognize a problem, I have to narrow down what being done with that would look like.

Instead of focusing on the work to be done, first I have to look at the goals. How much more will I enjoy the work I do when I'm not always clamoring for the spotlight? How happy will God be when I am actually pointing glory back to Him where it belongs? How nice will it be when I'm walking closer to God without my big ol' pride in the way?

And when I then turn to the Word to see what God has to say about His plans for me, I am suddenly not feeling down about all the work that needs to be done, but excited about what the work will produce.

*ding* that's the timer. Gonna add a quick verse and then pick this series up tomorrow!

Pressing Toward the Goal
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.
Philippians 3:12

Lessons in the dreaded yard.

2010-06-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

Part of the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I have done a terrible thing.

I have committed to landscaping the dreaded back yard.

dun, dun, dun.

Oh, this was no small undertaking. Even though our yard is small... it's been overrun with weeds for a couple of years now. Uneven, filled with (oh! the shame!) dog 'deposits,' and rocks- my back yard was nothing short of a nightmare.

We decided to do all the work ourselves, an ambitious project by any definition, but add to that the embarrassing fact that I'm really more of an air-conditioner girl and we live in the ridiculously hot inland pit of Southern California with summer coming fast, and you've got the makings of what can only be termed as a horrible idea.

But God.

oh, how He's so faithful to lead me down the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Every stage of this dreadful, never ending project has brought me closer to God... and I am so excited to share it with you.

My goal this week is to take 15 minutes a day on this blog and start unfolding the amazing curriculum our Loving God has been faithful to teach to me as I work in the sun with my family.

*ding* that's the timer! Time for me to head off to bed. Tomorrow, we'll talk about the planning/budgeting phase and I'll add some pictures.

Then the people of Judah began to complain, “The workers are getting tired, and there is so much rubble to be moved. We will never be able to build the wall by ourselves.”

Nehemiah 4:10

Being Amber- part 2

2010-06-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my last post that I've been obsessively watching (and at times fast forwarding through) the Canadian television show Being Erica. The concept of the show is (in a nutshell) about a girl who has moments she'd like to go back in time and fix.

The show has me really thinking. What if I could go back in time and make some changes? What are my major regrets? What would I redo? Would it make a difference? Would it be better? Would I make it worse?

Because I've been working on planning my crazy high school reunion (ugh, 20 years!!!) My thoughts have been straying a lot to those days at Perris High. The Amber in those days was not exactly the girl you see before you now. I was so obsessed with people-pleasing, so into being accepted, so into trying to assert my individuality without sticking out too much, that I often fell flat on my face.

If you have been hanging around a LOOOONG time, you found out in the Paths series that I was pretty insecure in those days. I felt ugly and unpopular, and my attempts to fit in backfired more times than not.

When I moved to the area I live now, back in 1987- the year of huge changes- I ended up starting high school right at the beginning of the year... my first year of high school but the rest of the 10th graders had already a year under their belts. I was in the AP program, so these kids had been together for a loooong time. In fact, because our reunion is coming up, and because of the magic of Facebook, I'm being able to see group pictures of the lot of them way back in elementary school. This group was tight.

And me? I wanted to get in fast. I knew if I could break in, I would have my future with the 'in' crowd' sealed. I did what I could for fashion on a tight budget. I crimped my hair and slouched my socks and wore my teal mascara and desperately tried to make friends. The group didn't know what to make of me at first. One day, they tried some good-natured ribbing. I put my head down and pretended to cry. They felt awful, began to apologize...

And then I did the thing that would wind up to be social suicide...

I lifted my head and giggled... "I'm just kidding. I'm an actress. Had you going, didn't I?"

The group did not find this endearing. There was stone, cold silence..."You're a b*#$@." someone finally said. And that was it. My nickname from the group for the next three years.

*sigh*

When I was thinking of moments I'd love to redo, this is the moment I thought of first. I would go back, I thought, and never do that dorky dramatic tease. I would laugh it off, or ignore it, or come up with something witty to shoot back.

But upon further examination, I realize that, though I guess I would still like to press 'ctrl z' on that moment, the experience was the beginning of something really cool. First, I learned the important lesson that people don't like to be manipulated. That would prove to be very valuable in the years to follow. Next, I was forced to look beyond friendships from which I thought I could gain popularity and status and instead accept the gifts of friendship that God sent me, without worrying about status.

In fact, every single dear friend I made in the weeks that followed, I have and cherish to this day. If I would have become part of that group, I may never have recognized the value of deep, meaningful relationships that go beyond the surface and into love and acceptance and forgiveness.

I have come to understand that going back and fixing the past might make for better memories in the moment, but long term, I am so grateful for that day in 1987, sitting in English class at a new school, in which I sealed my social death. In fact, I wouldn't trade those lessons or friends for all the chocolate in See's.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, have been called according to his purpose. who

Romans 8:28

Being Amber

2010-05-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

This week while I was working on a majillion things, I found a little Canadian television show on Hulu called being Erica. While I can't necessarily recommend the show (lots of foul language and highly questionable moral content... and a couple of episodes I can't even watch all the way through for the subject matter ) I certainly can confess I am hooked and can't even stop thinking about this crazy show!

For those of you not familiar with the show's concept, it's about a girl named Erica who meets a mysterious psychologist. While talking to him, she made a long list of past regrets.... points in her life she wished she could take back or change. Turns out, the mysterious psychologist has the power to grant her a do-over. He goes through this list of regrets, popping up at various times in her current life to send her back in time to those key points to make the choices she wished she'd have made. Besides being supercool for nostalgic music and culture, it's also a great lesson in perceived reality vs actual reality.

Sometimes, Erica going back to change things works- when she makes a different choice, good things happen. Sometimes, Erica discovers that changing things either makes the situation worse or makes no change at all. Every time, however, she learns a lesson that she can apply to her current life. Veeery enjoyable.

Watching all this has got me thinking. If I had a chance to make a lists of moments I regret in life, which points might I choose? I have a few in mind right off of the top of my head, some moments that I can still think on and wish that I could do that exact decision differently.I'm thinking this will be a little series I run while I'm in my blog fog and am hoping writing about these moments will bring back my bloggy flow.

Before I get started, though...tell me: If you could go back to any decision you're ever made in your life and live it again, What would you do over? Why? What would you do differently?

*leaning forward expectantly* Can't wait to see what you have to share!

O my people, listen to my instructions.

Open your ears to what I am saying,
for I will speak to you in a parable.
I will teach you hidden lessons from our past—
stories we have heard and known,

stories our ancestors handed down to us.

Psalm 87:1-3

Fifteen

2010-05-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

My son turned 15 eleven days ago. I'm still in awe. All of a sudden he's so strong and smart and handsome and independent. We seem to have hit a sweet spot recently, he's so respectful and hardworking and helpful that I don't even know what to say. All I can stir up is GLORY TO GOD!

Praise the Lord!

   How joyful are those who fear the Lord
      and delight in obeying his commands.
Their children will be successful everywhere;
      an entire generation of godly people will be blessed.
They themselves will be wealthy,

and their good deeds will last forever.

Psalm 112:1-3

I can't wait to tell you what flipped the switch here. You're going to be amazed. More to come.

His Girl's Blog

Fed.

New Year.

running the race.

Checking In.

Twenty.

Waves

An idea

Dehydration

Ketchup ... On a Roll

Ketchup, Catsup, Catching Up...

Foxhole

fox·hole/ˈfäksˌhōl/Noun

here.

Remembering.

Good Grief.

Congratulations and Welcome.

wrestling

God Knows... Backpacking through Joshua Week 6

Holy, Holy is He - Backpacking Through Joshua Week 5

Unchanging. Backpacking Through Joshua Week 4

MIRL at 7000 Feet (or close, anyway)

Following the Leader Part 3- Backpacking Through Joshua Week 3

Following the Leader- PART 2 Backpacking Through Joshua Week 3

Following the Leader- PART 1 Backpacking Through Joshua Week 3

Worthy, Worthy, Worthy- Backpacking though Joshua Week 2

Great is Thy Faithfulness- BTJ week 1

Leaping Lizards!

Responsibility.

Tipping the Scales

Sneak Peek

Post Number FIVE HUNDRED

Oh yes, the blog... a Thanksgiving Post

Balancing Plates

loose ends.

Kindness.

Starting with Vicki!

unfriended.

Starting with Me

Sunshine and pass the soda crackers.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 9.

AmberLappin dot Com.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 8.

Toothless old hag.

Crossing that Bridge

old wounds.

Fifty Percent.

middle. *updated*

walking the fence.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 7.

If we had our way, Widbey still on vacation.

July Recap: Reunited

July Recap: Recovery.

pathetic.

mask.

Racing.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 6.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 5.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 4.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 3.

Lessons in the dreaded yard. Part 2.

Lessons in the dreaded yard.

Being Amber- part 2

Being Amber

Fifteen

middle. updated